h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In light of increased competition and global challenges, this report
recommends the following economy measures, effective immediately:
1. The partridge should be retained, but the pear tree hasn't turned outto
be the cash crop previously forecasted. It should be replaced by aplasticplant.
2. The two turtle doves are simply not cost-effective, and the positions
would have otherwise been eliminated had they not been eaten by theCelticTiger.
3. The three French hens should remain intact - our recent
time-motion-profitability study proved that using migratory fowl,
particularly of some overseas varieties, can be extremely profitable asit
eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits.
4. The four calling birds should be replaced by an Eircom automated
voicemail system, with Call Waiting option. An analysis would determine
whom the birds have been calling, how often and for how long. Once this
information is determined, the Accounts Department can deduct the costsof
any inappropriate non-business calls from their final pay cheques.
5. Maintaining a portfolio based on just one commodity (five gold rings)
could have negative implications for institutional investors. Recommend
diversification into other precious metals, Esat Telecom shares andNasdaq
Internet-related stocks.
6. Re the six geese-a-laying, the production rate of one egg per gooseper
day represents a major decline in productivity. Three geese should belet
go immediately.
7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in pre-Celtic
Tiger times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
should be ordered from Viking Direct the office suppliers.
8. The eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny bythe
Employment Equality Agency. A male/female balance in the workforceshould
be sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility.
9. Nine ladies dancing: also to be phased out (older members can nolonger
do the steps).
10. Ten Lords-a-Leaping: pure overkill. The high costs of Lords, on topof
the sheer expense of international air travel, prompted ourrecommendation
to abolish the Lords forthwith.
11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a very bad caseof
"too many cooks". A substitution with a string quartet is in order.
12. Furthermore, our latest consultant report indicates that stretching
deliveries over twelve days reflects poorly in terms of "customerchurn".
If we can ship in one day and begin to move towards a full onlineordering
system, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial
reduction in the use of part-time personnel.Yours etc etc_________________
SENIOR CONSULTANT