As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I can't help but be a tad confused as to why we celebrate it in the first place.

Now I'm not referrin' to you Brits, Lord knows you don't celebrate a holiday based around our young country. But honestly. What's it for? So the pilgrims, cranky from having no choice of church, mosey over the pond to the US to do what? Burn witches! Woooeee! You looked funky, they burned you. You acted odd, they burned you. You sacrificed their first born, they burned you. Sheesh. Talk about religious oppression. Then, the friendly pilgrims found the Indians! (Much to the Indian's dismay) and to show how incredibly grateful and thankful we were for their hospitality, friendliness, and assistance through the harsh winter months, we stole all their land! No Hallmark greeting card thank-you for those Indians, we colonists went all out!

I'm personally convinced that the whole first Thanksgiving supper never actually took place. And if it did, thinks were probably more than hostile.

INDIAN: 'Me Squanto. Squanto like...'

WHITE OPPRESSOR: 'Shut up, you. Pass the sweet potatoes.'

INDIAN: 'Me like...'

WHITE OPPRESSOR: 'Ok, that's it. We're having red meat for dinner tomorrow!'

All those who agree, shout 'ole!' Now, the hilarious and horribly coincidental thing about this theory is that my family Thanksgiving dinners are quite similar. You have the savage but well-meaning children, and the cruel demeaning adults!

CHILD: 'Aunt MAY! Look what I can do!'

ADULT: 'Can it. The game is on.'

CHILD: 'But Aunt Maaaaaaaaaay...'

ADULT: 'Ok, that's it. Bill, get the leash. Timmy's eating Thanksgiving dinner in the garage.'

For more on my typical family dinners, feel free to read my Easter article. They're aaaaaaaall the same. How is it one can properly give thanks when they're hoarding all the green bean casserole or hiding the dark meat in the dishwasher so no one else can have any? *sigh* okay... it was ME! And I'd do it again, too! Muahahahha! And just like the pilgrims, my family burns things, too! The corn casserole, the turkey, the stuffing, the water... never again do we let Grandma cook when we haven't first administered her medication.

Aaaah, the holidays. A time to remember our ancestors who shaped this country. Unless of course you're Indian, African American, French, Mexican, or handicapped. In which case, find someone ELSE to reminisce about, you air-hogging hooligans! (JUST JOKING!!!!!!!) *phew* I love Americans.

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphod

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