h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Truth

This is very hard for me as I have never told anyone how I became this way but Sara advised me to write it down so I try to link together the events that have happened to me the past year or so.
I'll start by telling you unknown reader about myself,
I will describe myself then before everything happened. I had shoulder length brown with electric blue streaks (from my mother but more about her later). Emerald green eyes, small thin blood red lips and I was quite tall for my mother’s origins. I will tell you about her; she by trade was a water nymph, supposedly to be small graceful beautiful and highly magical. Well I suppose 2 out of 4 isn't bad, I am graceful and highly magical. To be truthful I am not entirely sure about the beautiful part. I don't know about my mother because she ran off when I was 3, 13 years ago so I don't know anything about her apart from the gilt frame picture my father keeps in his workshop.
I will tell you about my father, unknown one. He is tall, muscular and a certified order of 7 which, in truth, is extremely high but that is probably where I got some of my magical talent from.
Enough descriptions I will now tell you about the day these situations began, it began normally as I grabbed some toasted bread from Mrs Cayle (our cook) AND RACED OUT. Only one thing on my mind Sara would kill me if I were late again. I ran to the stables and grabbed Meiwa my emerald horse (a present from my father for my 13th birthday) jumped on “
I turned into the stable yard of the magic academy of incantations. I was in my final year and under the tuition of the toughest teacher Sara, an order 8 enchantress, the only one in the academy!
Because I have a nymph for a mother and an order 7, nearly order 8, for a father I was one of the most powerful pupils in the school, a reason for Sara to be every other reason to be hard on me.
That morning I went into the study room of Sara where she was sitting looking at the door worriedly. In addition, when I burst in she looked even more worried she rose majestically and hugged me. I was shocked as Sara was normally scathingly nasty to me and what she said next was even more strange then her actions!
“Thank the heavens they haven’t got you.”
I replied as shocked as I felt, “what do you mean? What haven’t you told me?!” Another interesting thing about Sara was that she was as honest as you could get.
She sighed and replied despairingly, “I shouldn’t tell; you your fathers wishes you not know, but now they are after you I suppose there is no way out!”
“What who is after me?” I said, frantic now.
“They are the nymphs! They believe that you belong with them.” Seeing my bewildered face she continued, “a while back the Queen Nymph set a alliance with the king sprite. A powerful alliance which was dependent that sparked it off the love between the Sprite king and the nymph queen.” She paused and then drew breath quickly, ”Then the queen and the King had a child everyone was happy, until they had a fight and deposited the child on the queens lady-in-waiting a water nymph who was living with a wizard.” She paused and comprehension dawned on me but I kept quiet
“But for three years the couple lived happily with each other took the basic steps that were necessary such as changing the appearance of there baby so she looked half human and half nymph instead of half nymph and half Sprite. She should have looked like the Nymph Queen, tall and shapely with pure white hair and emerald eyes. The only thing that the magic couldn’t work on was the emerald eyes and the magical power.
This was fine with the couple but disaster struck after the child’s
3rd birthday the nymph was called to the queen’s side for the queen was ill, tragically ill and the wizard was heartbroken and brought the nymph up by himself…
Sara ended the story and turned to me I was surprised to see tears in her eyes
I shuddered and repressed the tears as my, the world that I knew fell apart around me. “What has happened to my, I mean, the queen?”
She turned away and sobbed, “she is alive as I know. And do you know why I am telling you this?”
I nodded And Sara continued
“Now that their queen is dying and there king old the sprites and nymphs are looking for a monarch and because you are the only child of their present rulers
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Hiya Phoneix (sorry I can't spell your name) I saw your post on ask h2g2 and thought I'd come around. I've corrected all your punctuation errors and a few small spelling mistakes as well. I think the most important thing is that you have a really good story here, if you have that then the punctuation and grammer can always be fixed quite easily.
Just a few pointers to help you in the future: 1) In many cases it's better to use words like and, so, such and as instead of punctuation because often punctuation slows a story down and ruins the flow.
2) There is always somw form of punctuation, usually a comma or a full stop, before quotation marks.
3) Any neccesary punctuation comes after ), not before
4) A general rule for using commas in regular prose, if you read your story out loud to yourself, the places where you take a deep-ish breath are the places that need commas. Also if you're explaining something extra to the plot in the middle of a sentance it's usually surrounded by commas. If you can't decide if something needs a comma, it doesn't fit into what I've just said, then a semi-colon ; is probably what you need.
Great story, give me a shout if I can help anymore.

you are a darling, I'd just like to tell you so I'm not embarresed but I wrote this when I was ten and I needed a fresh look at it . I'm not THAT bad at puntuaction now

Err, yeah. Adding more commas would be good. I've only read the first few lines of the revamped one and have wanted to insert commas. I guess that I'm just Comma Crazy.
Eh. I'd be happy to help with doing the story over a bit (not that it NEEDS it, but still) Phoniex. It's a fabulous start, really and it has such a good plotline already! Whoop! Easily a 50,000+ word novella, if I ever saw one- that is, of course, if you want to get around to writing the rest of it with school and all.

I am planning to do it, I might put Iago's update on whatcha think?

Aye, sure! I like the way the story is looking...
typing, typing, typing away

I've really got to sort myself out. After xmas this story is being re-written