h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It was a large room, full of people, all kinds.
They had all arrived at the same place, at more or less the same time.
And they were all free. And they were all asking themselves the same question: When is this bloody contest going to start?

Among them was Rulf (who didn't like the name either), asking himself that question as well, but also another one. He had entered the building fully equipped for the job. It was something his mother had taught him. "Never leave your home without the things you may want to return for just when something really wild is about to happen."
His mother had forgotten her umbrella in a motel once, and she had always regretted going back for it. Why, she had always been vague. Something to do with shelter, and him being born just about nine months later. but Rulf wasn't a man to question things like that.
Rulf never asked too many questions. He dug.

Rulf was a digger in the smallest sense of the word. Not a mining engineer, or an expose journalist. Rulf really dug, in the ground, be it gravel or clay or fine sand. ever since he learned that the earth is round and that Australia was on the other side, he had vigourously sought to get there without buying a plane ticket. It had to be possible. And this morning the contest had been announced.

So Rulf equipped himself with all his high-tech hard-tech deep-delving hardware and went on his way. That was this morning.
Right now he was inside the contest building, looking like a crossover of a human and a bulldozer, hung with all kinds of shovels, drills, things to pry things apart and things to hold things up, and he was tired. So, he asked himself that other question: where does a guy get to hang his hardware over here?

Fallow surveyed the goings on and didn't like what she saw. These people looked prepared. More prepared than her at any rate. She was just in it for a bit of fun, a laugh and a lot of drinks - hopefully with some of the better looking contestants.

She looked at her digging equipment (a small pick and shovel), her rock climbing equipment (a 10 metre length of rope) and her safety equipment (an old motorcycle helmet with a torch taped to it), and realised then and there that she had about as much hope of winning as pebble has of filling the Pacific Ocean.

So Fallow started to look around. And scheme.

She walked over to the bar, which happened to be way on the other side of the hall, where bars usually are whe you need them. She definitely wasn't the only one trying to get there- but she seemed to be he only one with just her pick, shovel, rope and helmet.

Some of these people really took this thing too seriously, she thought as she was stopped in her tracks by a burly fellow who was actually trying to plough through the throng in a small bobcat bulldozer. It seemed to have just been rode in from a building site,
mud caked wheels and all. None of the assembled folk seemed to be realy surprised at the presence of this small yellow digging machine.
Fallow wasn't too much either. She waved a thumbs up at the bobcat's husky driver, who stopped his machine and gestured her to hop on.
"Probably the fastest way to the bar, my babydozer here," he said.
"If it ain't the fastest, it sure is the most comfy," she said.

Sitting elevated in the small bulldozer, Fallow could really take in her surroundings. The hall was really nothing but a big hangar shed, built there for the occasion. It's roof was iron plating, simple but sturdy enough to hold. It just stood there on the earth, no foundations, no floor, and certainly no woollen rugs or anything.
Most of the crowd, however, didn't seem to mind that in the least.

Everyone in the crowd seemed to have something to do with dark and hollow places underneath the surface. There were geologists among them, and speleologists, archeologists and paleontologists. There were a lot of miners, and a few gold diggers. Fallow even thought she caught a hip and happening glimplse of an underground DeeJay, but that would have probably been wishful thinking.

Then there was Shane. A tall, lean fellow who stood at the bar, sipping his draught. He surveyed the scene with piercing blue-grey eyes, his muscles rippling beneath his sleeveless denim shirt. One quick glance at the woman in the dozer told him she was trouble, but as he eyed her an amused gleam came to his eyes anyway. "Trouble can be fun, though," he thought to himself.

"Pardon?" asked the bartender as he handed Shane another drink.

"Hmm? Oh! Sorry, I must have been thinking aloud." Shane tossed his money on the bar, picked up his duffle of equipment and sauntered towards the front of the crowd.

As Rulf, Fallow and Shane were making their way towards various goals, be it relief, drink, or the front line,
at this front line some exciting things were starting to happen. After all, this was going to be a contest,
and the contestants were starting to get anxious to contest. The organisation behind the whole thing must have noticed this,
because they had decided to close the entrance to the building, meaning that subscription was now full, and open the exit,
the way onward for those who would come out victorious. It was all very clear that this exit was only for the winners of the conmpetition, since it was highlighted in neon and gold, and supple women dressed in neon and gold stood by it to welcome whoever made it there. To make it there, contestants would have to overcome the obstacles of the contest of course. Through the abundantly decorated exit could be seen another entrance, this one a lot more simple, more like the entrance to a mine or so.
It was this entrance that mattered most though, to the digging folk assembled. The contest was just the prelude.

From a window high above the crowd, Jake looked out over the sea of bodies. He still wasn't sure this contest idea was a good one, but it was the only half-sane idea to come out of the meeting. And what a meeting it had been. HIs ire began to rise as he thought about the hours, first patiently explaining, then furiously arguing. It seemed to him that some people could never see beyond the ends of their arms. Although it was ostensibly a board meeting, he finally had to pull rank as the founder and CEO of the company and insist that the company back his plans. It was risks like this that built the company and dammit he wasn't going to stop taking risks now. Resentfully, the board agreed and they proceeded to develop the plans. All, that is, except Jane Perkins, the Chief Financial Officer. As Jake had finally laid down the law, he noticed a malevolent gleam in Jane's eye. Shortly after the vote, Jane pleaded a sudden illness and left the meeting. That was 2 weeks ago and she was still on sick leave.

As Jake watched the crowd he saw Fallow climb up on the bulldozer. "Well, I'll be damned", he thought, "It must be 5 years." He motioned over an assistant and pointed out Fallow.

"See that that woman makes it through the test"

Jake was deep in half thoughts, all fighting with each other to see which one would come to the surface. One eventually did.

"If Fallow has come it could only mean one thing: that--"

His one fighting thought was cut off by a rather idiotic looking official tapping him on the shoulder and coughing expectantly.

"What? WHAT?" demanded Jake.

"The adjudicator would like to see all the contestants. Now." was the terse reply as the official went off to the others. Jake sighed and went down to the main area.

"What was I thinking about? Damn. Hang on - I remember now! If Fallow's here that must mean that--"

He swung around to the person tapping his shoulder, barely hiding his fury. "WHAT IS I-- oh"

It was the adjudicator this time. Impatient piece of chernosem.
"Roughem! I thought I'd made it clear to you during the meeting that Operation Underground can't wait any longer than necessary.
It must start tonight! I don't care wether you start with the winners of this bloody contest, or wether you start on your own,
or with any bunch of the mud-for-brains loonies down here! I never liked you people, you know that but you're sure as hell gonna get me what I'm after and you better know that too. So get those winners over to me... Now!"

Jake hated this man, so much was obvious. If it wasn't for the money, I'd have you do the Operation yourself, you sod, he thought.
But it always was for the money, wasn't it. And this grimy sludgebucket had enough money to never have to get his hands for anything. Jake wasn't even really sure what the adjudicator was after. But it was somewhere deep, and dark, and far down, and those were the places that Jake knew best. Not just presentator of the show, he was also going to be captain of the team. His freshly cut hair and flashing warm smile, all nicely trimmed for the evening wouldn't reveal it, but Jake was also the best digging wunderkind there was. Some said he could gauge the stability of any structure and material just by gently stroking it with his hand, and that even faultlines never blamed him for being wrong. Others said that was complete bollocks, but all agreed on this man's excavation excellence.

But he would never make the mistake of thinking he had even the slightest chance of pulling this Operation Underground off on his own, which was why he had insisted he could select by competition the best other digging experts there were. And they had come, eager to the challenge as he was. It was time to get their attention.

Jake strode over to the microphone and tapped it to make sure it was live.

"Good afternoon." He waited a few moments until the room was quiet. "By now you have all had a chance to read the briefing materials that were given to you as you came in. The winners will be given more information before we begin the ... er ... task, but you should all have enough information now to decide whether you wish to continue. All those that are not prepared to take the risks of the main mission can leave now by the west door."

The west door was swung open and all faces turned to see who would leave. A small handfull of people chose to leave, but the vast majority stayed where they were. The west door swung closed again.

"Very well. We will now proceed with the process for selecting the expedition team: the contest."

Shane listened to the speaker intently. He'd only briefly thumbed through his material, being here only for the excitment of the main dig. The dig itself, that is, not the rewards. He had no doubts he would be among the finalists. He may do his work the simpler, old-fashioned way, but he knew when to dig, when to shore up, and when to change course. He, too, had a reputation in the industry. Some say he could smell the vile gases that could prematurely end an excavation (and its crew) from behind solid slate. Most of the locals neither agreed nor disagreed with this assesment, but wanted him on the team just to be on the safe side.

Jake looked over his shoulder at the gathered crowd, and could feel the tension build. The competition excited him as much as them, but his confidence overrode any nervousness he may have had. He tried to find the woman who had caught his eye earlier, but could not, and returned his attention to the speaker.

With a start, he realised that he was the speaker himself. That meant that while he was looking to see where the woman Fallow had gone to, the entire crowd was waiting for him to continue. Did it matter much? Not really. Jake was held so highly by his colleagues in the field (in the ground would be more accurate) that he could afford some silence. It probably simply added to the mystery that he was.
"Yes, the... contest. There will be several things to do during this contest, and the people who are best at them.... win!"
Improvise, improvise Jakeyboy, he thought to himself. So they win, and then what?
"And... when they win, they will get rewards!"
A series of frantic gestures form the side of the stage attracted his attention. It was the adjudicator beckoning him.
Next to that big sour man was an assistant holding up a sign: >>>NO REWARD YOU F**K JUST O.U.<<<
He adjusted his story and continued: "And the reward is... that the winner can go on to take prt in the most demanding excavation project ever to be projected in the history of earth manipulation techniques: 'Operation Underground!'"

The crowd cheered, and a lot of the doubt and tension that had been with some of them eased up. It was true then! The organisation had been so obscure about the actual reason for the contest, and any rumours that this might be the runup to Operation Underground had been adamantly denied. But the digging folk present in the hall hadn't believed the denials and now that they'd shown up for this seemingly superficial contest it became clear that the stakes were actually as dep as they had guessed. In fact, the contents couldn't go much deeper. This was where the dirt would fly.

Jake continued.
"Indeed, you heard right, my filthloving friends! From this contest will leave four, I repeat: four winners, who will accompany me, Jake 'Jackhammer' MacFinch into the bowels of this earth we know and love. To go for the prize she holds form us so firmly, and for which she will demand that we give her our all!" Jake let the tension build. "And we all know what that prize is... don't we!" This was jake the improvising presentator at his best. In fact, he didn' know that the hell the prize, the goal of O.U. was. The organisation was after it, and it was buried deeper than anything ever had been buried, but what they were after... who knew? So he pretended that it was obvious to everyone. So obvious that he said: "Yes, we all know what the prize is... so I'm not even telling! It's evident!"

Though not a single soul among the crowd knew what was so evident, to the crowd as a whole it was so evident that no one dared ask what it was. They were just eager as hell in getting it. Winning.

Fallow had been using the waiting time sizing up the other contestants. She had immediately noticed Rulf and figured he was likely the best classical digger there. Not too technical, but effective. She had also noted Shane, who had the unmistakable look of a schemer and adventurer. Whatever his actual digging skills were, she would bet that he would figure out a way to get himself selected. So, that left one other spot on the team, assuming she could get herself onto the team. And at the moment, considering that it was Jake at the microphone, that was a pretty good assumption.

Time to liven things up a little, she thought. She walked over to Shane.

"Hundred dollars says I get on the team and you don't"

Shane whirled about on his feet as he was addressed. He quickly looked the girl up and down, and up again, and answered:
"I'll take that bet and raise you fifty dollars and the first diamond I find when I go under."
Around them, people were finding it hard to concentrate on Jake, who was getting to the first part of the contest.
"So, who are the contestants going to be, you're all wondering."
Jake said into the mic. "Well, the first contestant is..."
He was again distracted by the adjudicator standing by the stage.
The assistant was holding up another sign: >>NO CONTESTANT LIST- LOST IT- EVERYONE TAKES PART<<

Jake fumed. Those blundering idiots! Glad he wasn't taking any of THEM along. He quickly changed his approach. "The first contestant... is whoever can dig the deepest hole in five minutes, right there where they are standing now! When I..." he looked around him for a suitable starting sign, "...start this bulldozer, you all start digging! The person who has dug the deepest when I stop the enigine, is the first winner! And then we have another round, with a different task. So get you gear in gear, and let's get dirty!" He climbed off the stage and took a seat in one of the decorational bulldozers that had been placed stageside.

The crowd, glad that they were finally getting somewhere, was in a good mood.

The bulldozer started, and everyone began to dig furiously. All except Shane and Fallow, who just looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"This one's not for us, eh?" said Shane.

"Yeah, might as well save our strength for something we have a chance at."

Meanwhile Rulf was quickly and efficiently digging himself into the earth. Dirt was flying out of his hole at a tremendous rate. A few other contestants stopped and watched him, open-mouthed. He was an amazing digging machine. By the time the ending horn blew, Rulf was a good 15 feet down in a well-shored hole, at least 8 feet deeper than anyone else. He was proclaimed the winner and given a chair on the stage.

Jake walked to the microphone. "Our second competition will test climbing skills." He waved a hand at his assistants who rolled away the screening that had blocked the east end of the building from view. A large hill of loose dirt was revealed, about 200 feet tall, with a flag flying at the top. "The contestant that hands me that flag wins, but be warned, the hill has been undermined in many places, so choose your path carefully.

Shane looked at Fallow: "I think this one suits me." He had several schemes for obtaining the flag, some of which even involved climbing the hill.