h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The entire shop has finally been cleaned meticulously by Kalia from the last uproar, and is in a state of calmness for lack of costumers or intruders... at least for the time being. Just in time for coffee/oil/recharge break for Kalia, first a rumble and then a CRASH as the nose of a Russian-style Vostok spacecraft rises through the floor, creating a huge din, knocking aside displays and continuing through the ceiling. Slowing down, a hatch eventually makes its way up to the level of the shop floor, and out flow two teams of heavily-armed henchmen with black and red jumpsuits, followed by one particularly smartly-uniformed character by the name of Lieutenant Narg*

[Narg] Alright, all of you! You've crossed Mayhem, Inc. for the last time! Prepare for the smackdown of your life, you... you...

*fluxed*

[Narg] ...Where is everybody?

*Kalia, who was at the coffee machine and facing away from the mayhem, hears the commotion and stops. She is very, very reluctant to turn around, since she has the feeling that everything that was just fixed is ruined again.

She turns around. She was right. Some obnoxious, official-looking people with weaponry are looking at her with confusion. Behind them is a--no. No. This is not happening.

Kalia turns back around and gets herself a really, *really* big cup of coffee. She *is* caffeine fueled, after all.*

[random henchman] There, sir!

[Narg] Alright, you! You there! Stop trying to kill yourself with the overdose of espresso and tell me where this... *Corrupt* character is! Team B, restrain the lackey.

*Team B moves towards Kalia*

*turns around, just ignoring the spacecraft. Her eyes narrow at the approaching thugs, and glow faintly when she sees the demanding person.*

I don't know where Corrupt is, but she's not here.

*Gulping down the cup o' java in one astounding swallow, she leaps at the oncomers, feet-first. Despite her light-looking figure, she's extremely heavy and the inertia plus the caffeine barrel at the thugs at an alarming rate...*

*the members of Team B all drive for cover from the surprisingly agile character, except for Johnson, who was taken surprise. Poor Johnson. Narg is quick to react*

[Narg] Shoot her! Shoot her!

*c-CHAK*


...


*WHAM*
*BLAM*

*Kalia takes Johnson down, no problem. His gun fires off in a random direction as it falls.*

*Johnson's single random shot manages to unsettle a beam upon which a lot of heavy suits of armor were hanging from. Team B opens a hail of fire upon Kalia, and one member cracks open a can of whoopass. The rumble from the can further unsettles the beam, which comes crashing down on Kerring and Walters. Narg puts rests his head in his hands*

[Narg] Why am I always surrounded by such incompetence?

*Kalia glares at Narg*

If you had better guards, you likely wouldn't need better soldiers. And--HEY! Look what you've done to the shop! First NYC takes out the wall, then YOU goons take out the floor and the ceiling--what next? Huh?

*She throws on her samurai armor and grabs the Desert Wind sword. Her eyes are glowing an unmistakable piercing red.*

You're starting to make me ANGRY... and that's never a good thing...

*Narg stares wide-eyed for a second, and then reverts back to his poise*

[Narg] Err, right. Team A, show her what the lovely weapons of the Supervillains Weapons Shop can do to anthropomorphic androids of annoyance!

*k'CHAK*

*Team A presents a row of submachine guns, each of which outfitted with large calibre Armor Piercing rounds. Team B ducks for cover*

*RATATATATATATATATATAT...*

*Kalia dives into the Crate of Improbability for cover...*

(muffled) Hey, lookit what I found!

*a cannon pokes its way out of the Crate*

(still muffled) And it's self-loading, too!

*BOOOOOOOOM*

*The cannon blows a rather sizable hole in the ceiling, down from which dust and plaster falls. Narg wonders whether or not it's best to keep fighting*

*A door appears in the wall. A few moments later, Corrupt storms in, fuming.*

All right, who's responsible for this!?!? My shop is NOT a spaceship parking lot, NOR a military training facility! Kalia! What is going on here?!?

*Kalia pokes her head out of the Crate of Improbability*

[Kalia] Ummm... well, you see... these people were looking for you, and when they saw you weren't here, errrr...

[Corrupt] Get out of that crate! You're supposed to get rid of attackers, not encourage them! Now clean up this mess!

[Kalia] But Corrupt--!

[Corrupt] (turning to Narg) Now, who do you work for and what do you want?!?

*Kalia's eyes narrow at Narg quite evilly.*

[Narg] Well, we are of Mayhem, Incorporated; supervillain organization extraordinaire founded and run by one NYC student, and we are here for the investigation, retribution, and wholesale smack down in reference to a whole load of stolen artifacts from our wares... *evil eye* but YOU already know that.

*A beam collapses in the background, and kicks up a plume of dust. For effect. Just then, NYC-Lizard marches in to the scene in the small bit of shop that is still untouched, and surveys his surroundings. Kudos peeks in*

[Narg] W-W-What in blue blazes is THAT green meanie?

*Corrupt looks back*

[Corrupt] Which one?

[NYC] Hiss Hiss.

[And a fine hello to you too.]

*sees the door shut, leaving only one green meanie*

So I assume you mean your boss...?

*NYC stares at his underlings, then at Corrupt*

Hiss HISS hiss hiss!

*gestuculating wildly at her* HISS Hiss?

gesticulating*

Hey, I didn't do anything! Sure, some of your stockpile may have wandered over here, but I swear I don't know how! And Kalia sells anything that I bring in... or...

or...

...what Kudos brings in...

*she slaps herself and looks at the door to the hallway, only to see it has disappeared*

...and it seems that he's gone somewhere else.

*NYC blinks.*

hiss HISS hiss!

*NYC points at Narg and shakes his head* Hiss hiss hiss hiss...

*NYC points at himself, and presents a little plush NYC doll* ...hiss hiss hiss hiss...

*NYC gestures at the entire store* ...hiss HISS hiss!

*NYC pulls out little figurine of Kudos and a package of thumbtacks* Hiss HISS!

QUIT HISSING!

*A blast of light slams into NYC-lizard from Corrupt's staff. It appears to do nothing at all.*

There! Now, WHAT are you trying to say?!?

*NYC just remembers that Affy5's magic put out the pilot light in his flamethrower. He pulls out a miniature of Corrupt, flicks the back so that the figurine waves the wand in an elaborate mechanical routine, and a flame pops up on the end of the wand. NYC puts both the flamethrower and the miniature away*

Ass I wass ssaying *shakes head vigorously*, I'm quite green and scaly. The goons go away and you can keep the merchandise and maybe even set up some import-export business if you find SOMETHING in this store to restore me to my human-ness. Please! before I get hungry!