h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The aliens all stepped off of their spacecraft onto earth, all in silver metallic jumpsuits, boots, green makeup and their best antennae

A wave of embarassment hit the aliens as they stepped off the craft, realizing that they had accidentally coordinated their outfits with each other...

Zphlaph, the leader signalled that this was a completely unsatisfactory state of affairs.

Plop (who was unaware how unfortunate his name actually was), decided that he wouldn't tolerate this sort of nonsense, and decided now was the time to bring up how smelly the leader was.

The leader shocked and offended by this remark, did the only thing that their law would permit in these circumstances : He handed over leadership to Plop, and went back in to the ship and floated.

Strangely, Plop was the first to actually make use of this strange custom. The significance was completely lost on Plop however, who then proceeded to scout out the planet...

Plop, ever curious about human culture, happened upon a large American City called New York, just about half a mile from where they landed.

Plop saw a man walking his dog. Unbeknowest to him, humans in this city were compelled to pick up and dispose of any excrement a canine 'plops' out. Of course, this led to confusion in his report to his alien friends, that the canines were the apparent dominant species.

It was decreed that, as per standard xeno-sociological procedure, the expedition should adopt the standards and rituals of the dominant culture of the world that they were visiting. After scant minutes study of the dogs of New York, the junior members of the crew found themselves obliged to queue up and sniff Commander Plop's backside.

Plop enjoyed this more than his underlings, who (while they were musing on this subject) realised they were now probably obliged to pick up Plop's plops too.

Mutiny was almost unheard of aboard one of the ships of the Cliche Space Armada. But, the crew decided, there was a first time for everything.

Panic, the security officer for the mission, decided to try and convince Zphlaph to take over the mission again.

Zphlaph would not do anything however until there was special dispensation from the Cliche high council. So Panic wrote a letter...

Elbot Propellownose writing a letter, typing with his beak

|Dear members of the council,
|
|We have discovered intelligent life on this planet.
|Unfortunate they are canines, holding bipeds as servants.
|There are two main races on this planet their personel
|call them cat and dog. They seem to have managed to create
|a pretty stable society.
|
|Our mission is a success so far as we have not lost any
|of our crew. I temporarely handed my leadership to Plop,
|whilst I neglected my resposibility to make sure the crew
|should not be recognised a tourists. We were all dressed
|up the same.
|
|Same old story
| Zphlaph (captain in a hutute)

Nephew Who rushing in muttering about Elbot
"You can not even write a normal letter! It should be Panic to write the letter. I will rewite the last part for you."

|Our mission is a success so far as we have not lost any
|of our crew. Zphlaph temporarely handed jis leadership to Plop,
|whilst he neglected his resposibility to make sure the crew
|should not be recognised a tourists. We were all dressed
|up the same.
|
|Same old story
| Panic (Stand in captain in a hutute)

|Dear Elbot,
|
|In your before mentioned letter to the council, you must have
|presumed that the council cared about finding life on other planets.
|As you fail to presume, we don't actually care. Please send your |letters of biological discovery on any planets to the department of
|plantery discovery. The department will inform us of anything
|interesting. I would kindly like you not to bother us ever again
|
|Leave the council alone
|Kamidake (council foreign secretary)

Elbot Propellownose studying the Cliche law books
"I do definetly need an update, these are ancient."

|Dear law department,
|
|We are here on expedition for extra cliche life forms,
|jet our law books are a bit old. They date from before
|the great ecliptic.
|Please send an update as we drive into an administrative
|deadlock.
|
|Same old story,
| Panic

Elbot Propellownose reading the letter he just received from Kamidake
"I should have sworn I did not send the letter to the council. That was Zphlaph, no it was Panic, or Who was it?"

|Dear department of plenty discoveries,
|
|In case you did not receive a copy of our letter to the
|Cliche high council. Our findings on this expedition so far:
|
|We have discovered intelligent life on this planet.
|Unfortunate they are canines, holding bipeds as servants.
|There are two main races on this planet their personel
|call them cat and dog. They seem to have managed to create
|a pretty stable society
|
|Same old story
| Panic

Panic sits behind the desk, studying the forms he just received to obtain an update for the law books.
*No wonder we are using these old books. I have to fill in Form 56.b/12 second edition. Then I can request the form 338IV, wich has to be used to request permission to export the books to another planet. I also have to order for some guards as the classified books are not allowed to travel by thereself, with form 857-234.g wich has to be delivered in person to the guard Guild. It will take ages to get the updates.*
He presses teh big red button in front of him a djinny swirls up from behind the knob.

|Dear Elbot
|
|Your cultural findings on the before mentioned planet interests us, the social heirarchy that has developed |there is extremly facinating. We would like for you to study the before mentioned planet measuring the now |widely respected radio communications from the lesser beings and investigate your findings further. We |will be willing to send you the most advanced research equipment this side of the galaxy has to offer and |wods of cash to spend on how you see fit.

|Same old tat
| Jet ten jin (department of plantery discoveries)