h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are a couple from the 'Another True Story' section of my website. Many of the stories on my site are in fact true, but these two have been confirmed as urban myths...
(For more stories check out The Virtual Reinhard http://www.bigfoot.com/~reinhard.reading and navigate to the 'Another True Story' page)


1) Jato Rocket (Source: Darwin Awards 1998)

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. At first they
thought that the wreckage was the site of an aeroplane crash, but after further
investigation it turned out to be that of a car.
Exactly what type of car it was they were unable to ascertain at the scene,
but forensics finally figured out what type of car it was and what had actually
happened.
It seems that the driver of the car had somehow got his hands on a JATO (Jet
Assisted Takeoff) unit - a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military planes
an extra 'push' when taking off from short airfields. He had attached the JATO
unit to his 1967 Chevy Impala, driven it out into the desert, found a long straight
stretch of road, got up some speed and fired it up...
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the driver of the Impala
hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3 miles from the crash site;
this was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350mph and it would
have continued at full power for an additional 20 - 25 seconds.
While this was happening, the driver most likely would have experienced G forces
usually reserved for dog-fighting http://www.bigfoot.com/~reinhard.reading and navigate to the 'Another True Story' page)


1) Jato Rocket (Source: Darwin Awards 1998)

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. At first they
thought that the wreckage was the site of an aeroplane crash, but after further
investigation it turned out to be that of a car.
Exactly what type of car it was they were unable to ascertain at the scene,
but forensics finally figured out what type of car it was and what had actually
happened.
It seems that the driver of the car had somehow got his hands on a JATO (Jet
Assisted Takeoff) unit - a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military planes
an extra 'push' when taking off from short airfields. He had attached the JATO
unit to his 1967 Chevy Impala, driven it out into the desert, found a long straight
stretch of road, got up some speed and fired it up...
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the driver of the Impala
hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3 miles from the crash site;
this was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350mph and it would
have continued at full power for an additional 20 - 25 seconds.
While this was happening, the driver most likely would have experienced G forces
usually reserved for dog-fighting F14?thread=Here are a couple from the 'Another True Story' section of my website. Many of the stories on my site are in fact true, but these two have been confirmed as urban myths...
(For more stories check out The Virtual Reinhard http://www.bigfoot.com/~reinhard.reading and navigate to the 'Another True Story' page)


1) Jato Rocket (Source: Darwin Awards 1998)

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded into
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. At first they
thought that the wreckage was the site of an aeroplane crash, but after further
investigation it turned out to be that of a car.
Exactly what type of car it was they were unable to ascertain at the scene,
but forensics finally figured out what type of car it was and what had actually
happened.
It seems that the driver of the car had somehow got his hands on a JATO (Jet
Assisted Takeoff) unit - a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military planes
an extra 'push' when taking off from short airfields. He had attached the JATO
unit to his 1967 Chevy Impala, driven it out into the desert, found a long straight
stretch of road, got up some speed and fired it up...
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the driver of the Impala
hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3 miles from the crash site;
this was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350mph and it would
have continued at full power for an additional 20 - 25 seconds.
While this was happening, the driver most likely would have experienced G forces
usually reserved for dog-fighting F14 pilots under full afterburners. However, the car remained on the road for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them and blowing the tyres, leaving thick rubber on the road surface. The car then became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and slammed into the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. According to the Arizona Highway Patrol, "Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable." Small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater however, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Note from The Virtual Researcher: The Arizona State Patrol have confirmed that this is an Urban Myth. For this reason, the story was later disqualified as the 1998 Darwin Awards winner. 2) Elephant Enema (Source: Private Eye 1998) On April 23 in Paderborn, Germany, conscientious zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt, 45, noticed that his prize 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual copious quantities of dung. "Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under control." The zookeeper then gave his ailing animal 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes. This didn't seem to have any effect, so he attempted to give the beast an olive oil enema, but it was then that disaster struck. Two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of 200lb of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Herr Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity -- and not something that should be attempted alone." Shrugging, he continued, "Well, at least the elephant feels better." Note from The Virtual Researcher: This story was checked by Ralph Lewin while he was writing his excellent book 'Merde'. Not only did Paderborn officials deny the story, but in addition Paderborn has no zoo. Pity really.

Thanks for the stories. The JATO story has already been submitted, but the elephant story will be a welcome addition. You'll have to look for this one on the bottom of the page, however. It wouldn't be wise to completely gross out the readers before they've read too far.

The elephant enema and JATO story, have also been submissions for the Darwin Awards (Also a very good verification of their truth / mythological status) Some stories, believed to be urban myths, are actually completely true. Eg, the boy who blew himself up with a garage forecourt air hose (but that's a story for another time.)