h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am almost 30 but I'm always told I look much younger, my 15 year old cousin even says I look like I'm 10 years younger. I have a masters degree in Architecture, in my job I plan projects for millions of Euros and seem to be quite good at it, and still - mainly in my life outside of my job - often people tend to treat me like I'm either stupid or 'worthless'.

I came to the conclusion that the main cause for this is that I look young. One example happened 2 weeks ago when I went to a shop to complain about a desk chair which turned out to be of very bad quality. As soon as I was there the 'lady' at the information counter (who had nothing to do with the whole thing) attacked me and tried to tell me silly things about how it was all my fault because I didn't treat the chair right. She also tried to use what she thought were 'technical terms', obviously to make sure I know how superior she is. And after I was gone to come again the next day she obviously told her boss that I pushed her (no joke) and that I was very 'offensive'.
I am sure that would not have happened if I would look like 50.

Next thing happened today: I came home from a walk with the dog at 7am this morning. The neighbor vacuum cleaned her doormat, I greted her and she replied with telling me that the staircase is full of dog hair and it never looked so untidy before we moved in and so on and so forth. In a voice like a teacher preaching to a child. I tried to tell her it's not dog hair but in fact the hair of the cat who lives in the staircase and who obviously has problems with her nutrition and therefore looses hair like mad, but I'm now treating her with mitamines and regularly brush her fur. She didn't want to hear any of it and just told me I should not pet the cat if she (the cat) looses hair, although of course it can't be cat hair because there have never been cat hair in all the years the cat lives in the staircase.
In this instance I am also sure that she would not have talked to a 40 or 50 year old in this way. She only did it because I look young.

There are many more examples like that.

I talked to some of colleagues about it, who are a few years younger than I am. Sensible guys, both of them. They agreeed that things like that happen to them too.


Does this happen to others too? Or is it just me?
How can I make people stop acting like that towards me, other than completely changing my look?

You have to accept that many people of your age are not as polite and considerate as you are. People you meet have been conditioned to dealing with the other behaviour.

I'm not as young as you are but I still get talked down to by some older people. I've learned to be polite and act entirely naturally. Don't go on the defensive. Be yourself and proud of who you are, and they will (eventually) respect you for it.

Yes, that's one of the problems, I tend to get defensive.

>>How can I make people stop acting like that towards me, other than completely changing my look?

Perhaps you should change your look, by dressing appropriately for the occasion. If you're making a complaint, dress 'older'.

Other than that, just be thankful you look youthful, because as you get older, you'll see that people are even more disdainful to the elderly; so your looks should prove useful, long term.

There's only one solution. Go into their homes, finger-paint all over the walls, mash food into the carpet, and put chocolate fingerprints all over their bookshelves.

You're only a kid, what else do they expect?

I also thought about the 'dress older' thing. But not sure.

good idea KB

Grow a beard.

Same thing happens to me all the time - I just hit 40 and got asked for proof of age in a supermarket to buy a bottle of wine recently. I know I look younger than my age but jeez, I don't look 22 years younger!

In work situations, keep cool, confident and let your knowledge speak for itself. In personal issues, just laugh it off inside and be thankful you don't look 10 years older than you are.

A more serious suggestion than my first one: maybe you should work on appearing more self-confident (even if you don't feel it). It's amazing the things people get away with saying, unchallenged, purely by saying it very self-assuredly.

Well, young man ...

Actually I'm really reluctant to comment now, in case I've turned into a patronising and critical old woman and haven't realised it. Nobody's asked me to prove *my* age for *decades*

But I'd say the odds are that both of them have offended plenty of people of all ages. Especially the one in the shop.

Mol

>> ... she obviously told her boss that I pushed her (no joke) and that I was very 'offensive' <<

Were you offensive ... physically intimidating? This should have been a straight-forward dialogue but maybe something went wrong ... is the shop known for selling tat or good quality material?

>> Same thing happens to me all the time - I just hit 40 and got asked for proof of age in a supermarket to buy a bottle of wine recently. I know I look younger than my age but jeez, I don't look 22 years younger! <<

Maybe they thought you were an alcoholic and were playing for time after pressing the alarm button

Yes, KB, you are certainly right about the self-confidence thing. I try to work on that for over 10 years...

And yes, I'm very intimidating, as everyone who knows me can tell you.
Growing a beard wouldn't suit me, I'm afraid.

I visited a friend of my age yesterday and told her about that woman in the shop. She said she once was at that shop and accidentally ran into someone who seems to fit the same description. That woman shouted at her. Very good way to treat customers...

It's tricky. Since I haven't had any assignments outside the house for a good while, I don't dress very professionally, and it actually changes my behaviour too. I guess nice trousers/skirt, heels, tidy jumper/blouse instead of drawstring trousers and oversize shirt would make a difference to how I behave, and also how I get treated. I do have the advantage of the Family Glare though, and can outstare people... It doesn't make them like me anymore, but at least people don't patronize me. Hair makes a difference too.
But I suppose most of all, attitude. Perhaps deciding that their need to lecture/condescend to you is *their* need, and let them talk, but not take it to heart. Perhaps if you think that they are victims of their own insecurity (or whatever problem they have), rather than you are a victim of their behaviour, you can stand straighter and feel compassion rather than annoyance or oppression.

Lots of hippie talk, I guess.

I have my own project to start, to look more professional... Haha.

What you wear changes how you stand.

I was in a relationship years ago and she took me out clothes shopping - the first g/f ever to do so - and had me actually THINK about the clothes I was buying for a change. And it made an enormous difference to how happy and confident I felt. I suddenly realised why all those Bodawful clothes shows on the telly were so popular. I can't say it's entirely changed my life, but dressing in something like a coordinated way, rather than pulling on the first t-shirt and trousers combination that comes out of the drawer (or off the floor...) does make a difference to how I present myself physically.

And that confidence bleeds into how I am with people, and they pick up on it and treat me accordingly.

And if they don't, the best thing to do is wait. And wait. And when they stop talking, wait just a few seconds longer. Let the silence get slightly uncomfortable. If they fill it, let them talk some more. Just wait. And when they've stopped, let the silence stretch, and then when you're sure they've stopped, say "Are you done?". If they're not done, let them go on for however long it takes. When they eventually indicate that they are done, tell them, in short words, either
(a) what you want, and that they are going to do it
(b) get their manager, because you're not dealing with them any longer or
(c) push off, there's a good chap/dear.

It's incredibly polite and incredibly infuriating. I love it. Works especially well for people who are trying to condescend but lack the status. And if they don't know who you are, confidence can make them believe they lack the status... but only AFTER they've had a go at condescending to you.

You won't change them. They will remain condescending prats. But you will get a little entertainment out of them, and that's the best you can do. Treat these people as your personal comedy troupe, poke them with a metaphorical stick and laugh at them. They work in a shop, you don't. Always remember that.

One other quick story. I once had occasion to shop for an engagement ring (I got better...). The charming jeweller who handmade the ring for me told me that one of his most satisfying recent jobs was for a local builder who had wandered into his shop one day after having visited three or four other shops. In those shops he'd either been ignored, or in one case explicitly asked to leave, due presumably to his scruffy clothing, unkempt hair and slightly distressed Tesco plastic bag.

My jeweller had greeted him warmly, as he did everyone, and asked if he could help. Young fella said he wanted to look at diamonds, so jeweller had got some out and shown him some "affordable" (i.e. smallish) ones. He'd asked "how much?", jeweller told him, and young geezer said "Got any bigger ones?", and plunked down the Tesco bag which, it transpired, contained several thousand pounds in cash. He was getting engaged too, but he had substantially more money than me and was looking for something special. But the mainstream jewellers had judged him on his looks and youth and rejected him... to their direct cost.

Know, any time you walk into any shop, whatever you're wearing, that you can, with a wave of some plastic, plunk down more than he spent on that ring. Let that knowledge inform your attitude. Don't be a git about it, but don't take any shit, either. They need you more than you need them.

I can quite imagine what you're going through, Tav. Like me, you're not awfully tall, either, don't speak very loudly and you do look very young (that last bit doesn't apply to me, though).

You'll probably not change the attitude of people who already know you, but the advice of others, as mentioned in the previous posts, if taken, might have an effect on new people you encounter.

Once you have got your foot on the first rung of the ladder and had one successful situation, your confidence will grow to help you become more assertive.

Mind you, I'm twice your age, and still haven't managed. I still get totally ignored at the butcher's or baker's, as if I were invisible, and whenever I want to lodge a complaint, someone else always barges in and tries to take over my case for me, as if I was incapable. Usually I try to rely on keeping quiet, but relentless, and justice prevailing when they see that I do have a justifiable complaint.



As for people's attitudes in general, and despite what I said in the last paragraph - I am at the other end of the scale. People treat me with respect, even though I often feel they know more about the subject being discussed, or they have more of a right to be there. Just because I look older. Despite my relatively unassertive attitude.

So - wait another 30 years. People will respect you.

Or - you could take up karate.

Oh, the silent thing really works! I've tried it a few times (when I remember) and it does make people realise (a little) how silly they are being. Practice that!

Come the day you will have to give evidence to prove your case for the oldies benefits.
Looking and behaving young does not go away with age. As for attitudes it's people no matter young or old.

As I've met Tav, I can confirm that she does indeed look more like 20 than 30. But that is no reason to talk down to you, these people you speak of are being rude. I am nearer 60 than I care to think about but I treat everyone with the same respect.

GB