So you want to be an injun?
Created | Updated Sep 29, 2003
And you want to know how right?
I don't get asked this question very often. I don't know why really. It seems like a career most whiteboys and whitegirls ought to be considering even ahead of becoming stockbrokers. But occasionally some do ask, despite the usual inexplicable apathy encountered.
Okay, well, first it's not quite as easy as it probably looks. Like you probably think that you go the fraternal order of injuns and aspiring high school football mascots (FOIAAHSFM but don't bother to take notes on this for reasons you'll soon appreciate) or something like that and leave your resume right? And three references please attesting to your good character, and a copy of the lie detector exam that proves you ain't smoked cannabis since Michael Jackson got bleached and obsessively attracted to adolescent chimpanzees. NOT!!
No, you usually need to be born an injun. Now I know that's hard to believe. I mean in this day and age people shouldn't be putting no racist obstacles in your way you know? But injuns are picky about who they have for relatives, same as you're picky about who you like living in your neighborhood, especially next door where you can see what they're doing in the master bathroom with the picture window in front of the hot tub, and being born one usually gets by all that pickiness first thing.
But then is there no hope for an aspiring injun wannabee? Well, you could marry an injun, which might or might not make you one.
There's sort of this suspicion, like what OWG (Old White Guys) should have about young, sexy, enhanced bottle blondes but usually don't. You know what I mean?
Those blondes are usually termed golddiggers and that's not because they're fashion conscious miners. They want the OWGs to marry them so they get the OWGs' money or fortunes or stock options or something like that. Which is sort of the reason the OWGs have started getting prenuptial agreements limiting their legacy liability and the potential for unintended cardiac arrests while cavorting in the hay, so to speak. Not to mention the liabilities imposed by their first wives who keep going back to court to recover what it cost to put the OWGs through Harvard business school and then get dropped for some double D silicone bimbo who can't keep her eyelashes on straight.
So injuns just naturally assume that whites would never show an interest in them unless the whites had ulterior motives like finding a suitable site for a golf course with associated condo development and water rights for a song and dance maybe or at most a very slick computer-aided presentation.
Now while this prejudice might strike you as pretty prejudicial right from the start, unfortunately it's supported by about 500 years of empirical data, which is hard to ignore, even when you're drunk. No matter which way you rotate the chart on the computer screen the tribal asset line's still going down.
So while you might win the heart of the not exactly fair Pocahontas, her relatives might not see you as the perfect son-in-law and it's not because you didn't graduate from Princeton. It's because they don't really believe somebody raised in a 3000 or 4000 square foot custom executive estate at Pheasant Run is going to like living in an adobe shack with a corrogated steel roof and no bathroom, let alone home entertainment center. So right off, they're suspecting your motives and trying to figure out how you're going to convert your common stock in the tribe into a hostile takeover.
Now, a lot of people have looked at the third option which is adoption as if it would get around all the other options' problems. But that's a little premature.
First, because you do have to find an injun to adopt you, and with 32 mouths to feed already in a lot of households it might not seem like a good thing to take on another one, especially one that hasn't missed a meal in his entire life, unless it was because he passed on a school lunch one time because he didn't like synthetic cheese sticks and artificial chef's salad with club crackers and koolaid.
Even so, some people claim to have been adopted, usually because some holy man took a shine to them.
Okay, now, I ain't saying these claims are necessarily bogus but really, think about it. Why would some holy man choose you to inherit all his trade secrets?
"Well," you say, "everybody knows the younger generation is drifting away from the old ways so naturally he'd turn to me because I respect those ways."
Even though, coincidentally, you don't have a clue as to what those ways really are. But you're innocently and in goodfaith buying into the scheme for the good of the tribe?
Uh huh, right!!
He'd turn to you, one of the reasons those old ways don't get respected in the first place, because he naturally trusts you to make things right. Is that the gist of the thing?
So he's going to make you an honorary injun just for the occasion and everybody else, because they hold him in such vast esteem and high regard that he can't find no native apprentices, is going to be okay with it?
Well, I hate to discourage you, but guess again, Dr. Einstein, because about the only way you'll ever get that old man to agree to such a preposterous arrangement is to get him drunk on his ass. And his grandchildren already know how much he usually drinks and what happens when he can't locate his boots because they're already on his feet, so how much credibility do you think you're going to have then?
Maybe the same you got now because you even wanted to be an injun?
I think that's pretty close, don't you?
I don't get asked this question very often. I don't know why really. It seems like a career most whiteboys and whitegirls ought to be considering even ahead of becoming stockbrokers. But occasionally some do ask, despite the usual inexplicable apathy encountered.
Okay, well, first it's not quite as easy as it probably looks. Like you probably think that you go the fraternal order of injuns and aspiring high school football mascots (FOIAAHSFM but don't bother to take notes on this for reasons you'll soon appreciate) or something like that and leave your resume right? And three references please attesting to your good character, and a copy of the lie detector exam that proves you ain't smoked cannabis since Michael Jackson got bleached and obsessively attracted to adolescent chimpanzees. NOT!!
No, you usually need to be born an injun. Now I know that's hard to believe. I mean in this day and age people shouldn't be putting no racist obstacles in your way you know? But injuns are picky about who they have for relatives, same as you're picky about who you like living in your neighborhood, especially next door where you can see what they're doing in the master bathroom with the picture window in front of the hot tub, and being born one usually gets by all that pickiness first thing.
But then is there no hope for an aspiring injun wannabee? Well, you could marry an injun, which might or might not make you one.
There's sort of this suspicion, like what OWG (Old White Guys) should have about young, sexy, enhanced bottle blondes but usually don't. You know what I mean?
Those blondes are usually termed golddiggers and that's not because they're fashion conscious miners. They want the OWGs to marry them so they get the OWGs' money or fortunes or stock options or something like that. Which is sort of the reason the OWGs have started getting prenuptial agreements limiting their legacy liability and the potential for unintended cardiac arrests while cavorting in the hay, so to speak. Not to mention the liabilities imposed by their first wives who keep going back to court to recover what it cost to put the OWGs through Harvard business school and then get dropped for some double D silicone bimbo who can't keep her eyelashes on straight.
So injuns just naturally assume that whites would never show an interest in them unless the whites had ulterior motives like finding a suitable site for a golf course with associated condo development and water rights for a song and dance maybe or at most a very slick computer-aided presentation.
Now while this prejudice might strike you as pretty prejudicial right from the start, unfortunately it's supported by about 500 years of empirical data, which is hard to ignore, even when you're drunk. No matter which way you rotate the chart on the computer screen the tribal asset line's still going down.
So while you might win the heart of the not exactly fair Pocahontas, her relatives might not see you as the perfect son-in-law and it's not because you didn't graduate from Princeton. It's because they don't really believe somebody raised in a 3000 or 4000 square foot custom executive estate at Pheasant Run is going to like living in an adobe shack with a corrogated steel roof and no bathroom, let alone home entertainment center. So right off, they're suspecting your motives and trying to figure out how you're going to convert your common stock in the tribe into a hostile takeover.
Now, a lot of people have looked at the third option which is adoption as if it would get around all the other options' problems. But that's a little premature.
First, because you do have to find an injun to adopt you, and with 32 mouths to feed already in a lot of households it might not seem like a good thing to take on another one, especially one that hasn't missed a meal in his entire life, unless it was because he passed on a school lunch one time because he didn't like synthetic cheese sticks and artificial chef's salad with club crackers and koolaid.
Even so, some people claim to have been adopted, usually because some holy man took a shine to them.
Okay, now, I ain't saying these claims are necessarily bogus but really, think about it. Why would some holy man choose you to inherit all his trade secrets?
"Well," you say, "everybody knows the younger generation is drifting away from the old ways so naturally he'd turn to me because I respect those ways."
Even though, coincidentally, you don't have a clue as to what those ways really are. But you're innocently and in goodfaith buying into the scheme for the good of the tribe?
Uh huh, right!!
He'd turn to you, one of the reasons those old ways don't get respected in the first place, because he naturally trusts you to make things right. Is that the gist of the thing?
So he's going to make you an honorary injun just for the occasion and everybody else, because they hold him in such vast esteem and high regard that he can't find no native apprentices, is going to be okay with it?
Well, I hate to discourage you, but guess again, Dr. Einstein, because about the only way you'll ever get that old man to agree to such a preposterous arrangement is to get him drunk on his ass. And his grandchildren already know how much he usually drinks and what happens when he can't locate his boots because they're already on his feet, so how much credibility do you think you're going to have then?
Maybe the same you got now because you even wanted to be an injun?
I think that's pretty close, don't you?
