Evening, all. As has seemingly become traditional, I sit here with a cheeky Monferranto in hand and the company of Askh2g2's perennial Eurovision thread with the likes of Croz, Rupert, SWL, GRJ and Lucky Star on the other end. I shall be attempting to give you a live rendition of Eurovision proceedings, although an increasingly popular underground sport is calculating the ratio of spelling mistakes towards the end of my Post article as I drink progressive bottles of red wine.

Build-up has been unusually ripe this year. I gather we've got a lot of naked flesh to look forward to, as well as a Finnish version of Marilyn Manson. In honour of this, then, I will be adding bonus marks on for wobbly cleavage and heavy-metal guitars (or - alternatively - a charitable attempt at being vaguely musicworthy) this year, in an effort to get it completely and utterly wrong as usual.

7:59 The theme fanfare plays and I start getting needlessly excited. Is it wrong that I still have the Moldova song from last year on my MP3 Playlist, by the way?

8:01 Greece's idea of an opening ceremony appears to be a giant flying coconut. Odd, that. The unexplained and unintroduced singer doesn't half look like Alexa, the cute one from the recent series of The Apprentice.

8:03 Alexa now appears to be doing an Ian Gillan impression. Get on with it, love.

8:05 The hosts (a shrieking over-made-up banshee and Chico's idiot younger brother, by my estimation) make an entrance on flying trapezes. Chico Jr stands like his hands are disconnected at the wrist.

8:07 Ah. We're now being treated to a rendition of last year's song, a sort of Greek Britney-Spears Riverdance. Sadly, the long-legged woman doesn't have a flamethrower this year. That was the highlight of Ukraine 2005, for me.

8:10 Terry tries to explain the voting system, and does not make a very coherent job of it. Croz suspects it's because of the Ouzo-Guinness cocktail.

8:11 Switzerland. A very, very scary politically-correct mixed vocal group, wearing a most ridiculous assortment of shirts and hats sing a little S-Club 7 ballad. It's got a 'we all give a little' refrain and is a pleasing Eurovision opener hopefully without a chance of winning. I note that the supertonic modulation is making an appearance early this year, though. Song 5/10; Raunchiness 4/10; Heavy Metal Appeal 1/10.

8:14 Moldova. Moldova's answer to Charlie from Busted and Britney Spears do a faintly reggae-esque number, allegedly in English but making no sense whatsoever. If you're going to choose one word to do lots of rhymes for, 'Loca' perhaps isn't the best choice. She's got a swimming costume on and does a lot of gyrating, and there's a surprisingly cool-looking rapper halfway through. I like Moldova. Song 9/10; Raunchiness 9/10; HM Appeal 4/10

8:18 Israel. Sung by Eddie Butler. Presumably not the one who used to play for Leeds. There's something culturally a bit wrong about Israel doing a gospel ballad, but I'll let it pass. The singer is of the Barry White 'mumbling' school ("He's got a phlegm problem, I think" - SWL) and the song is decidedly mediocre, even by R Kelly standards. Not good. Song 3/10; Raunchiness 4/10; HM Appeal 1/10.

8:22 Latvia. Acapella at Eurovision, eh? I doubt the Housemartins would approve. Several group members seem to have problems deciding whether to sing very high or very low and they have very poor haircuts for a barbershop group. Full credit for trying, but I think acapella's had its day. Song 5/10; Raunchiness 0/10; HM Appeal 3/10

8:26 Norway. Ah. The Norwiegan Corrs. Several seriously sexy young ladies in unbelievable sacrificial virgin attire sing something vaguely haunting and mime sawing at their violins. It's not bad, and I'm increasingly starting to believe that the Scandinavians are taking Eurovision seriously. "Hard to beat a fiddle" says Terry. I can't agree more. Song 8/10; Raunchiness 8/10; HM Appeal 4/10

8:30 Spain. Now, I think Las Ketchup are famous, no? Gosh, these girls are angry about something. They snarl this song at us while, rather bizarrely, a couple of skinheads perform excerpts from Swan Lake. There's some exciting lesbian moments to take our minds off the song, too. Song 4/10; Raunchiness 8/10; HM Appeal 5/10

8:34 Malta. Apart from having pinched the piano intro from Marc Cohn's classic 'Walking In Memphis', this is utterly lacking in musical redemption. Poor Euro-dance, at least 10 years old, fronted by easily the most punchable man I've ever seen. And that includes John Prescott. The backing dancers are lacking in decent attractiveness, too. I think I'd rather have seen Tony Drago: this must surely finish last. Song 1/10; Raunchiness 3/10; HM Appeal 0/10

8:37 Germany. "A country song, so typical of Germany" says Terry. Why, quite. Yee-hah! Welcome to Helmut's Country Bunker! It's not bad, in a very silly sort of way. Possibly the sort of tune as, being someone with secret country-music partiality, I might listen to again. Not particularly politically-correct, though. Song 8/10; Raunchiness 5/10; HM Appeal 6/10.

8:41 Denmark. A bit of modern of Rock'n'Roll, sung by five very tasty young girls. A decent hit that might have become a disco classic were it released in 1985. The best bit is when some mentalist comes on to play a guitar solo and gets his axe forcibly removed. It's unashamedly good, and I like it. Song 9/10; Raunchiness 7/10; HM Appeal 7/10

8:45 Russia. So. That's what Ralph Macchio from the Karate Kid is doing these days. Dressed exceedingly unfashionably in white vest and ripped jeans, he belts out a passable number while two meringues twirl behind him. Halfway through an albino pops out of the piano. Very Eurovision. Song 5/10; Raunchiness 1/10; HM Appeal 4/10

8:49 Macedonia (Goes to get more wine). Song introduced by Terry as "Neen-ya-neeny-neen-ye-ne-ya". A woman who has been viciously attacked by her make-up box and is wearing a low-cut top and very small shorts sings something vaguely teenage-angsty. But the old Eastern beat is back, and I can't see that cutting much ice again this year. Song 4/10; Raunchiness 6/10; HM Appeal 4/10.

8:53 Romania. A full-on wave-your-arms-about club anthem, complete with energetic dance routine and a chap shouting out all the vocals at full volume. It lacks subtlety, but it's a slow-burner and not as bad as people make out. Song 5/10; Raunchiness 3/10; HM Appeal 3/10.

8:57 A word from the sponsor? Good, I'm dying for a slash.

8:59 I don't like the way the hosts enthusiastically proclaim: "Two hours left!"

9:00 Right, back to the grind...

Bosnia & Herzegovina. A good selection of Eurovision instruments, with a mandolin, an accordion and a set of toms. It sounds like something that was disqualified from the Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves soundtrack and is sung by yet another racially-mixed group dressed all in white. Not great. Song 4/10; Raunchiness 3/10 (lovely accordion player); HM Appeal 4/10.

9:04 Lithuania. I'm not altogether sure that Lithuania is in Europe, but they're going for a creepy football chant with the most laughably unsubtle lyrics yet encountered "We are the winners of Eurovision". It's completely bonkers stuff and has a good electric violin solo. Certainly this is a group who are refusing to take themselves too seriously. Utterly weird, and not a little arrogant. It gets a few boos in the auditorium, which surely isn't in the spirit. Song 6/10; Raunchiness 0/10; HM Appeal 7/10.

9:07 UK. Now, I have to confess I hadn't seen this hitherto. It's good old 80s rap with a dodgy (dodgy if you're in my profession, certainly) set of Cockney schoolgirls doing backing vocals. Not particularly musical, and unlikely to win anything. Are we not capable of singing in tune anymore in this country? Song 4/10; Raunchiness 6/10; HM Appeal 7/10.

9:11 Greece. This'll be Greece's answer to Mariah Carey, and her song is about as memorable. She's swaddled up in silk (although her shoulder straps do make a creditable attempt at falling off), and I don't fancy her at all. Song 3/10; Raunchiness 2/10; HM Appeal 1/10.

9:15 Finland. I gather this is one I should not miss. It's Spinal Tap with bits bolted on, basically, with a proper good Metallica song called 'Arockalypse' or something similar. The effect is only spoiled by the Gothic lead singer wearing a Finnish-flag top hat. It should win, of course. But I have doubts that it will. Song 10/10; Raunchiness 0/10; HM Appeal 10/10 (of course).

9:19 Ukraine A decently uptempo Ruslana-esque number, sung by a little charmer with some Cossack dancers who are desperately in need of some Ritalin. Turning it into a skipping dance halfway through is about as naff as you can get, really, isn't it? Not bad, but as I said, I fear that the Eastern beats are on the way out. Song 7/10; Raunchiness 5/10; HM Appeal 4/10.

9:23 France. (God. Is it only half-past nine?) Nice to hear someone finally singing in their native language: there's been an awful lot of English this year, which has left us all suffering at the hands of the worst lyrics since Tim Rice hung up his pencil. An engagingly down-to-Earth young lady works up a nice sweat singing an utterly pointless folk song with a cello that sounds disturbingly like a guitar. Song 2/10; Raunchiness 6/10; HM Appeal 1/10.

9:26 Croatia. An utterly ridiculous bit of silliness sung by a woman who surely can't quite believe what an idiot she's making of herself, with some more cheerful Cossacks. The whole thing improves greatly when she tears her skirt off. Nice work, dear. Song 5/10; Raunchiness 7/10; HM Appeal 5/10.

9:30 Ireland. Ireland have learned their lesson now and are entering an inoffensive young man singing a competent ballad which surely won't quite win. The backing singers are doing a good impression of my Dad dancing to Status Quo. The problem is, with such a diverse set of talent this year, I've a sneaking suspicion this might finish embarrassingly high. Song 6/10; Raunchiness 2/10; HM Appeal 1/10.

9:34 Sweden. Widely regarded as the favourite to win, and apparently sung by a former Eurovision winner, this is a healthy young woman in Space-Shuttle lining trousers and a massive cape. And, fairly unsurprisingly from a Swedish entry, it sounds like Abba. If fact, it sounds so remarkably like The Winner Takes All as to lack coincidence. At least she breaks into a Bonnie Tyler impression to keep us all amused. Song 7/10; Raunchiness 5/10; HM Appeal 2/10.

9:38 Turkey. Yet another female vocalist (very few men this year, I've noticed), wearing one of those annoying dresses that looks like wisps of silk but irritatingly covers up any erogenous bits, does little to stop five young chaps gyrating and doing a very symbolic dance at her. The song's very little to shout about: standard-fare Euro-pop with pretensions at being a little bit heavy. Song 1/10; Raunchiness 4/10; HM Appeal 5/10.

9:42 Armenia. Armenia have gone very Egyptian, apart from the women with bondage straps and whips, of course. It's surprisingly mesmeric stuff, if only because you don't know where the dance routine is going next, but the crowd are looking lacklustre and I'll be surprised if it wins anything. Song 6/10; Raunchiness 7/10; HM Appeal 4/10

9:46 Right, the songs are over, and to be honest I've remained fairly unmoved by most of them. My Top Ten tips, then?

1. Finland
2. Germany
3. Denmark
4. Moldova
5. UK
6. Norway
7. Spain
8. Russia
9. Lithuania
10. Croatia

10:00 Terry is chuckling incoherently at nothing. The booze is definitely showing. Some pagans go on for the half-time show, and I'll go off and find some more wine.

10:10 OK. Now back with a fairly rough Australian Shiraz. The new, shorter voting system starts, which gives me less time to play look-a-likes. Damn.

10:11 Terry calls the Slovenian an 'eejit'. That'll be another country in which he's not welcome, then.

10:13 The Romanian judge is having great difficulties with the new voting system.

10:14 Half a dozen votes down, and the crazy Finns are winning. I like. Unbelievable that the Danes still have nothing, though.

10:19 I'm rapidly losing the will to live. The voting is less geographical than it has been before, but the new system is seriously lacking in tension. Bosnia seems to be rapidly catching up on Finland as the tasty Norwegian spokeswoman comes on.

10:24 Finally, we might have a first Eurovision winner that I wouldn't be ashamed of... Finland is well in the lead right now. Lithuania are doing surprisingly well - clearly deep irony has heaved its way into the Contest.

10:26 In an unlikely twist, Switzerland - hitherto on one point - receive 12 from the Maltese. This leaves the Germans shockingly out of contention.

10:29 The Cypriot spokesman celebrates the most predictable result of the night by singing "Twelve points to Greece".

10:30The Dutch spokesman is off his head and you can see the white smoke coming out of his nostrils.

10:33 The inevitable 'green room' reality TV bit. The Irish contingent try to make a big show of being excited about being in 10th place. Israel, Malta and France still have nothing.

10:38 Polish guy slips in a quick joke and no-one notices for at least five seconds.

10:40 My faith in Britain is restored as we award 12 points to Finland and a deeply ironic 10 to Lithunia.

10:42 The young lady from Belarus looks worth knowing.

10:43 German spokesman over-eggs it a bit by appearing on the back of a rodeo horse. Still, give the man some credit. Malta still have nothing. God help us if my predictions for both top and bottom aren't going to come true.

10:47 Terry, as usual, has become deeply sarcastic about the Baltic and former-Yugoslav voting.

10:48 Delightfully, the nutty Goths from Finland are now looking certainties to win.

10:49 Who the Hell voted in Monaco? Surely they should all be out at the casino?

10:50 The Jewish spokeslady would be the most attractive yet if she didn't talk like Elliot Gould. Russia, the Karate Kid look-a-like, is coming up for a good second, and the Swedish favourites are back in fourth. The Germans and Danes are shockingly low.

10:53 The Lithuanians are overtaken for deep-seated, heavy-handed irony as the Greek spokesman awards 12 points to the "beautiful creatures from Finland."

10:56 It's all over! Fantastically, the best band have actually won Eurovision for once! Russia's fashion idol is second and Bosnia's folk band were third. The UK finished lower than either the Danes or the Germans, but the latter two should have done much better.

10:58 The Greek trophy has been lost and is late arriving. What a bloody surprise.

Well, finally, I have fulfilled my promise as Eurovision spectator. My promised winners came first, and my promised losers gained a single, solitary point. I would like to think all readers of my regular post column would buy me a celebratory drink. On the flipside, I realise all those readers number but two, so I will have to buy my own.

Certainly, Eurovision has been more diverse than usual this year. We've seen goth rock, reggae, rap, country, and plain all-out stupidness (Lithuania). I can only hope for more of the same next year. See you then! Arockalypse Now!

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