h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A truck driver calls his boss to tell he wrecked his semi truck.
His boss asks: "What happened?
"Well, there was a rabbit on the road in front of me"
"Why didn't you just run over it!?" his boss exclaims.

"I tried, but it ran into the woods"

Who was the greatest tsar of all time?

Ivan no idea.

Caiman that's funny!

That reminds me. I saw a post on Facebook yesterday where someone was trying to make a philosophical point that failed. It was about a deer on the road and they were trying to make out the road had no point being there. I said that the deer was just passing through but the road was a sitting tenant, so had more legal right to be there.

Did anyone ask to see the deer's licence?

I would like to sincerely apologise to the cleaning staff.

There was a sign above the urinals, stating: "Maintain at least 1.5 m distance!"

OK, I mean, I tried, I tried really hard...

But there is no way I could maintain that kind of pressure on for the whole charge.


So, Sorry about that.

Maybe we could blame Corona, or 2legs if you must.

Promise me you won't provide a video of that.

I will take that into consideration. (after cleaning my phone)

I was vacationing in a small town in Spain. I was surprised when a friend showed me a bullfighting arena there. "Do the other small towns have these?" I asked.

"It's not unCarmen," the friend said. "it's actually a very Bizet place."

I bought a dalek egg timer recently, after a few minutes it shouts eggs-terminate.

I have a very old one that doesn't work very well any more. It's an old timer.

The mysterious disappearance of Zirco the magician has finally been explained. He was painting the garden fence, when he suddenly varnished into thin air.

I'll bet his disappearance was whitewashed.

George Foreman was arrested and taken to the police station, where for a change he was grilled

I can tell I’m having a bad day when even my Rice Krispies don’t talk to me.

Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant bell peppers?
A: Garden hose!

Q: What happens when
you eat too many bell peppers?
A: You get a belly-ache.

Q: What do you call a rabbit eating a pepper in the hotel lobby?
A: The bell-hop.

Q: Did you hear about the Bell Pepper flavoured vodka?
A: It makes you bell-igerent.

Q: Where did the bell pepper go to have a few drinks?
A: The Salad Bar!

Q: What do you get when you throw a bell pepper into a rose bush and "Shake It Up"
A: Bella Thorne

Q: What water yields the most beautiful bell pepper garden?
A: Perspiration!

Q: Did you hear about the pepper that changed peoples bad eating habits?
A: It was a bellweather pepper.

What did the pepper farmer drink?

Doctor Pepper.

I tried a dating service. It was managed by a palm tree. My firts date was Coco-nuts.

So I dumped the service and hired a scientist. He offered carbon dating. My dates were much too old for me.Some of them were Paleozoic.

George Foreman was attested by the and taken to the nearest police station. Now he knows what it is like to be grilled.

My wife said give me half of what is left in the wine bottle, so I asked her which half

Does it matter?