h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My head hurts after reading this article; but in a good way. If that's even possible.

http://images.despair.com/products/demotivators/achievement.jpg


I've had a conversation once, with someone who believed in all seriousness that the name pyramid came from the Aztec use of their pyramids as sacrificial 'pyres', for burning offerings.

I'm much more inclined, though, to believe engineers are at fault. Both for the name, and the resulting shape.

Neat entry

Sorry I missed earlier opportunities to respond to this, NC!

I really like the site! I've already memorized two of what I'll find the most useful phrases!!

Well, due to the fact that much of your article was talking about engineering efficiency, I'd expect nothing less than to have to wait quite a while, before hearing from you, if at all.

But, yeah, I love despair.
All of those are useful. Just be glad you haven't had reason to use them...

They make good blog posts. When you can't think of anything to say in response to someone's blog, just post the one of the pics.

Worth a thousand words, right?

Sorry, can't talk. I'm busy making a database of DeMotivators. I'm going to put it in my PDA under the title 'Facts of Life'.

Actually, by my count, the site has 1,386 words, not counting the intro! (83 definitions)

I'll be memorising Ambition, Change (winds), Cluelessness, Consulting, Hazards, Irresponsibility, Meetings, and Overconfidence.

The saddest and most true one, I'm afraid, is "Demotivation: Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people." When change is necessary, you often have early adoptors and people who will follow once it is clear which way the wind is blowing. The one thing you cannot afford is to hang on to managers who constantly work against or belittle the program.

I've seen many worthwhile efforts fail when this was not recognised.

Maybe I can include both a lookup and a randomizer to my database??

Oh, and isn't the word 'pyre' from the Greeks?

A lookup would be good, for always knowing what to say in any given situation, but that random idea sounds fun. You'd be like an evil fortune cookie of doom, spreading despair wherever you go, in neat little bite sized morsels.

Beautiful.

I mostly fall back on Fear, Incompetance, and Ineptitude, with the occasional Potential thrown in. But in the blogosphere, you never know when you'll need one.



And yeah, change will only ever screw things up, it seems. The people who jump at it right away will fight to the death to make it work, if it turns out to be a bad idea, because they don't want to be wrong.

And the people who wait to see if it works out, they get shunned and pushed to the fringes, generally distrusted.

(I'm former Navy, so I as well have seen the machine in action. ...I mean, inaction...)


And yeah, pyre is greek. Hence the 'seriously believes that' part. The theory went that Atlantis was a landbridge between South/Central America and the Mediterranean, so the Atlanteans saw the pyres of the Aztecs, and brought the idea with them to Egypt.

He's always been a little weird. Got electrocuted, once. Hasn't really ever been the same, poor kid...

I haven't done it for awhile, but I used to enjoy programming little apps in my PDAs spreadsheet program. Things like MineSweeper were a bit challenging, but I also created some random phrase generating bits like 'Magic 8-Ball', 'Miss Cleo' another fortune telling program, 'Wise Man Says...', and such. This would fit in perfectly.

Maybe I should consider calling it 'Evil Fortune Cookie'!! Of course, I'd have to add the 'Of DOOM' part in the actual app, eh?

You have chosen your set wisely. That should cover about 95% of your needs, perhaps more.

On 'accepting' change, it never hurts to jump in, if you're sure you will be percieved as a 'teammate'. You can still judge how well the program is going; just keep the resume dusted off. But yes, those who simply drag their heels and won't assist the effort, will often find themselves on the fringes, but that may be largely where they have pushed themselves.

It's the actually antagonistic doubters that should find themselves in relatively immediate trouble. It's nearly impossible to fight upper management and survive, unless you are both right and still willing to give the program a chance. Then you've proved that you'll play along and try, even if doubtful, but still maintain your integrity and attempt to course correct.

To quote the Evil Fortune Cookie: Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

On your Naval experience: None of us is as dumb as all of us.

Atlantians in the deserts of Egypt?! Giza?! What a shocker! Will wonders never cease.

Your friend sounds like management material: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

Gee! This is FUN!

Well, the Navy was more along the lines of the death march one, but with a touch of 'we have no idea where we're even marching'.

Any good idea anyone ever had would just get the credit stolen by the higher ups, so the low guys would keep all the secrets to themselves, and then get blamed for conspiracies.

Sometimes, I was convinced they would pick a wrong way to have us do things, just to watch us develope a better way, so they could steal it.

It was so bass-akwards, sometimes.



I used to have a graphing calculator I would program with formula from physics and chemistry. Input this, out comes that.

I wonder where it is? It only had letters for variables, so any menu you had could only ever have 26 entries. Still, I could get a good selection of despair into it.

Fortune cookie appetizer?

Sounds like the Navy might be the source for Scott Adams "Dilbert Principles of Management" book!

I can appreciate your interest in programming the calculator. They were lots of fun. I think it's the very limitation of the things that made them such a challenge.

I once worked in the newspaper industry, using sophisticated (at the time) laser text writing equipment operated by a text manipulation program. I used its meager scripting capabilities and few programmable veriables to write a Chess Team Stats routine for calculating the departments wins, losses, draws, percentages, sorting the whole mish-mash, ranking us, and printing out the whole thing.

It did quite a nice job.

We generally though of Dilbert as somewhere between a role model, and our patron saint.

We were also big fans of Catch-22, with some of the work ethics and philosophies therein, and I became a huge fan of Max Barry.

He's an Australian humor/satire writer, and his books are very darkly comedic and prophetic.

I recommend you read them all, especially his newest book, Company.

It'll make you laugh, while scaring the bejeesus out of you.




...your newpaper had a chess team? Not to mention, you kept stats on it? Wow.


That's okay. I've recently tried to get back into playing Go. It's easier than chess, logistically, because you can use candies like M&Ms for the pieces, and you eat the ones you capture!
Good incentive.

Hi there, NC:

Role Model sort of surprises me, so why does patron saint not surprise me?!?!

By Catch-22 are you referring to the Joseph Heller novel or the movie made from it? Both were great, of course. The movie caught the insanity of the novel fairly well, but offered some visual fun that wasn't as well represented in the novel as well.

I will have to find some Max Barry. Are you familiar with Dave Barry? Nothing dark, scary or prophetic in Dave's stuff, though it is comedic.

The chess team was definitely a set of wood-pushers status players. Only two of us took it seriously enough to enter some local competitions. Trouble was, events were always on days when I had to break in the middle to get to work. I won more than half the games I played, but the competition was, I think, something a lot lower than Master level, including me.

I thought that Go pieces were two-coloured? Where would you find M&Ms like that?

Heya Ford. Waiting for someone, so not much time.
Umm, role model in the sense of his stick-to-it attitude, in dealing with everyone else.

We cherished his attempts to blend in and appear normal, while being totally disgusted with that same behavior.

Love-hate thing.

Umm, the book, Catch 22. Never saw the movie, and only understood the book once I had joined the military.

Much like Dilbert, in fact.

Well, I understood it, before, but it took on a whole new meaning when I became part of a command structure similar to a corporation.

Umm, and go pieces are two colored, but not at the same time. They are either black, or white, so any two groups of candies will work.

Or sometimes, we wouldn't have enough, so I'd be the greens, blues, and yellows. Until the arguements over who was what color emerge.

Usually right around the time someone starts fearing they are about to lose.

Way it goes.

I fully understand how confusing multi-coloured pieces might be, but this is one of the rare occasions where, being all candy, one can truthfully say "it's all good".

You heard about Scott Adams getting married?
Wonder how that will change his outlook on LTUaE...


Probably give him lots of new material, at any rate.

I'm not sure I want to read 'Dilbert on Marriage', especially his description of the wedding night!!

However, his description of the wedding planning might be a great analogy for business.

Hey there, NC! Happy New Year to you and yours!

I just had to let you know that for Christmas I found something special in my oversized footcover. I know have my first official De-Motivators coffee mug!

It is:
Consulting
If you're not a part of the solution,there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

Absolutely perfect for my current position!

Regards,

FordsTowel.
A very happy new year to you, Sir.
And the ones you care about, albeit loathe the existence of, from time to time.

Taking in with the consulting crowd, eh?

Always wondered, and maybe you can help, do they have consultants for consultants? Like, if the consultants need consulting?

What started this was seeing how there are conventions for everything, so I started wondering if maybe even the people who plan and organize conventions have conventions. A convention convention.

And that just opens a whole can of worms.

To a lesser degree, where do doctors go when they get sick, but to a greater, who consults the consultants?

With a touch of Alan Moore in there, if you're familiar at all with The Watchmen.

Very good questions!

This is beginning to sound like an UnderGuide entry?!

Hello there, NC!

I've been meaning to tell you about one of my Christmas presents:

I have, sitting on my desk, a clear, glass mug of the Demotivator: "Consulting"

It's perfect, and no one in the company has noticed it since the beginning of January!

Maybe they should make one on "Oblivious"??