h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The computer what would we do without it? Hitting the wrong key, good thing it won't happen in real life. Can you imagine in a car it can be quite nasty hitting the gas rather than the brake but if you were really angry with someone and there was a go away key and a destruction key woops if you hit the wrong one.

I can hear the interrogation now

Chief Inspector Police Officer: So you say that one minute your husband was there and the next he was gone. You think you might have pressed the destruction key. It was all a mistake was it?

Me: Yes officer I've never done anything like it before. He was getting on my nerves and I just wanted him to go away.

Chief Inspector Police Officer: A likely story madam I'm afraid I will have to put you away for a while. OOOps I seem to have pressed the wrong key and she is no more.

You are completely right of course when mother said that the bad guys would eventually get their just desserts it wasn't necessarily true. I do try to live by my own standards and I do accept whatever consequences befall us. Oh and baby do I bitch about it.

Yes these are the good only days of the future. I just hope that my memories of these days will at least make an old lady smile.

Hmmmmmm! The case of the vanishing husband. Is there something you're not telling?
We have had a couple of beautiful days here. As usual every bright thing has a dark shadow. We are not getting enough rain. There are now permanent water restrictions and it might last for more than a few years. Even up in Queensland where they have a monsoon season there is water restrictions. As someone said, the times are out of joint.
I can smell the sausage I am heating up in the toaster oven, so I'd better go. Ooroo!

I have been laughing at the antics and comments from England about the extreme heat wave they have been getting. Poor old Poms can't take the hot weather and hose pipe bans are a challenge which happens every year. We yell foul, that it is all the Governments fault they should retain more of the wet stuff.

People are living on salad as it is just too hot to cook even a sausage in a toaster oven. Hope you enjoyed yours.

The followig joke gives you some idea of just how we English deal with heat waves.

As temperatures reached a highest ever recorded 29 degC. in Aberdeen yesterday 17th July 2006......

Panic gripped the streets of Aberdeen yesterday when patches of sky took on an unusual blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above the city.

The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun', and commonly found in Mediterranean countries such as Greece and England, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the city, causing many ordinary Aberdonians to tear off their hats and scarves in mid July.

While most of the motorists were able to turn their headlights and wipers fully off, some feared that they would be scalded or blinded by 'The Sun's' intense radiation of heat and light.

Jack McConnell, speaking from a Sun-proof bunker lying deep under Aberdeen's King St. urged people to be calm and return to work as normal,stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before,it happened once in 1945 and we put it down to the war".

Fearing it could lead to a break out of cheerful, happy smiling he said "Don't worry it will never last, it can't. Our natural Siberian climate with its force 9's, ferocious chill factor and horizontal rain will soon put paid to these shenanigans. Aberdeen will soon be freed from this terrifying situation and we can all return to our natural drab, downbeat selves complaining all the time and being suspicious about everything."

No sooner had the apparition occurred, than a large, dark ominous cloud moved in from Ellon, covering the city and efficiently blocking out the horrible, dangerous sun. The familiar horizontal driving rain made a welcome return and once again the cafe's along the sea front reinstated their usual metal shutters to protect themselves from the pounding they take as the sea crashes down to top of them in summer.

Aberdeen sounds familiar. Ah yes. That is the way Sydney people speak of Melbourne. They are a nasty lot up there. I think it is the natural superiority of us Victorians that gets up their nose. They like to pretend that it is always raining in Melbourne whereas, statistically, we have more hours of sunshine than they do. Mind you, I think that is changing. I feel sure there are more cloudy days now than there were 30 years ago. And when I was a child there would be more than a couple of days each summer which were over 100 deg. The tar on the roads would grow bubbles which we would burst with our toes. Always wondered where the water that was inside them came from. The forecast for today is sunny with a top of 16 degrees C. (Why haven't they got a degree button on these things?) Not bad for midwinter.
I suppose I had better mow the lawn. Been putting it off for several weeks now. Pity to waste such a nice day by working though. Bye.

Aberdeen is rather a lovely city in Scotland. The Scots are often cast as miserly and miserable. In fact people from the south of England would have you believe that the further up north you get the more uncivilised people become.

However, this is not true as some of our great Universities are in the North of England and some of our great discoveries were made by Scots. As in all countries in Europe and obviously in Australia too one side thinks there's is the best.

I have to say it does get colder up in the North of England and the beautiful Scottish mountains are usually covered in snow. This year the summer over there has been very hot.

The children will be breaking up for their summer vacations soon that is when the good weather will break and and the kids will be housebound. Then people who vacation in England because it is cheaper than going abroad with kids spend two weeks of mind blowing horror in a bed and breakfast hotel.

Yesterday I was not allowed to post my reply. Frustration. Today I have spent a couple of hours trying to get my internet browser to connect to my server. I did not succumb to puter rage. I just went from one thing to another, trying this and trying that and probably doing more harm than good. But, as you can see, I am back. I had Faces Photo software which I never used but which used to come up every time I turned on. So the first thing I did this morning was remove it. Quite a few bites it was. Thought it might speed up my startup. Whether that had anything to do with my subsequent bother or not I don't know. There was no noticeable change in the speed of my start up either. Since I installed the Spyware Doctor everything has slowed down. The magazine, P.C.User reckoned it is the best Spyware program there is and since I paid $40 for it I guess I have to live with it. As I have to live with all the other mistakes I have made. [sob]

You have so many problems with that puter of yours. Congratulations on your restraint. You haven't thrown it out of the window yet.

I see you noticed my message about the Ninja Kittens they were very funn and I passed them onto my son who loves cats and I believe he would like them.

The chunky monkey ice cream was wonderful, banana ice cream, chocolate chunks and walnut chunks, made an absolut pig of myself and enjoyed every bit.

Much more restrained today, eating mango and pineapple mango from the garden and local pineapple.

What kind of time difference have you got in Australia? Over here we are five hours behind UK but around the same as New York. I do hope you are having a little more luck with your puter and it's spyware doctor.

I would imagine as you say that everything has to be checked by this doctor and therefore slow everything down.

From memory I think we are about nine hours ahead of the UK, but it varies with daylight saving time. Your chunky monkey sounds great, all the sort of stuff I like in it. Of course we have some great ice cream mixtures here also, but I am trying to keep my weight within reason. I am just a touch over six feet and am over 100 kgs which at my age is a bit dangerous. I have had a nasty chest for quite a while now and there are alot of people around me having heart problems. I have reached an age when I realise I have passed my use by date, so every internal twitch makes you think, "Is this the beginning of the end? I wrote a grim poem once, bear with me and I reproduce it here........

One day dismal death will bring me to my knees,
That is a fact that is sure.
A bus, a disease, An ill tempered breeze,
A germ that as yet has no cure.

No need to regret of this ultimate end,
Things wear out and must be replaced.
Sometimes Dr. Death is an old man's good friend,
And whatever's to come must be faced.

So maybe I should throw my clothes to the wind,
Who cares if I should draw a crowd.
Let them cast the first stone who has not yet sinned,
The last robe I'll wear is a shroud.

But I am not always that gloomy.

You sound like quite a cheerful soul, even in your gloom you sound as if your tongue is firmly in your cheek.

I love ice cream, I love anything that is likely to cause instant death by calorific overload.

I am in the middle of writing a book at the moment it is a light romance with the lovely blonde heroin being in her early seventies. The story started out as a short but during my lazy moments I have gradually turned it into 55,000 words already, quite funny and endearing. Consequetnly I am coming around to the idea that you are never too old for anything and I am bloody sure I am going to give death a bit of a run for his money.

I know what you mean about seeing people around you becoming sick. Heart problems seem high on the list of monsters. I don't particularly like your poem except the last verse which makes me chuckle, I too would like to throw my clothes to the wind but the crowd would not be drawn people would run from the sight screaming "My eyes oh my eyes".

I was censored!! In my poem, instead of 'germ' I wrote, first letter W,
second letter O, last letter G. In oz this is used both as a derogatory word for a person of foreign extraction, or for a nasty infection. I suppose to a real ocker it would mean the same thing. Anyhow, I changed it to germ and became kosher once again. I am becoming very apprehensive about my posts as I have, for one reason or another, lost about four of my literary masterpieces.
I admire your ability to write a novel. I have sometimes toyed with the idea but I do not have the discipline or imagination, or, let's face it,
the energy to apply myself to what would probably be a disaster.
It is one of my failings that when I think of doing something, I go through all the steps in my mind and come to the conclusion that it is not worth the effort. Is that a description of laziness? I have pared down the process of preparing a meal to the shortest possible times. It seems an inefficiency when it takes longer to cook a meal than it does to eat it. If I want a roast or some exotic consumables I have to go out to some eaterie or other. I don't do that often. I have survived a long time now and am not losing any weight (damn it) and in reasonable health so far, so quick and easy does me. I heard once, and it made sense to me, that frozen vegetables are actually fresher than those you buy in supermarkets. The time from picking to freezing is much shorter than the time it takes to pick, pack, transport to the markets, then to the stores, where they may be on the shelves for a day or two before you buy them. Also, when you live alone it is much more economical to be able to cook just what you need at the time and nothing sits in the fridge deteriorating further. And there is no waste! Win win win.Bewdy.

Oh sir did you make me laugh. How politically incorrect can you get?
In UK there is a Marmalade and jam company, they used to have a Gollywog as there Trade Mark. If you saved up so many of their labels you could own your very own Gollywog badge. There were hundreds of these little guys dressed as policemen, doctors, guards all kinds of Gollywogs. A few years ago these little harmless loveable blokes were banned making the ones already in existence of course worth a few bob.

The letters you use are known as Western Oriental Gentlemen in UK and is also a derogatory term for a dark skinned foreign geezer. However, over the years I have heard dark skinned geezers call themselves and each other much worse.

My husband is the same, he thinks everything through and then decides its not a good idea. He goes through this process for making a cup of tea to going to bed. He will however, suddenly make up his mind to do something which everyone else would say was really stupid. However, he has thought it out and has decided that we could either become really rich or really really really rich therefore we must do this thing. So far he obviously didn't think it through enough because we haven't even become a little bit rich.

As for your cooking process, I usually cook up a storm when I feel like it and make huge chillie's, curry, and pasta dishes I then freeze them for the times I am either too busy or too lazy to cook.

Don't imagine for one moment that writing is disciplined yes there is fair bit of imagination going on but most of the time it is people I have already met who put the words into my characters mouths.

You talk about having so many failings. I don't think of your reluctance to save energy as laziness, it is just thinking about a task and finding the easiest way of doing it. Again, my husband will watch me do something the hard way and ask if I would like to know the easy way of doing it. I turn give him a withering look and tell straight I am doing it my way and if he can see another way of doing it I suggest he does it himselfHe always shuts up and lets me go ahead. He is a very clever man.

Just back from Saturday golf. The comp. was foursomes today. Not a good game and we did not do it very well. I keep blaming Arthur but that's just an excuse for bad shots.
I know nearly all elderly people say this, but I'm sure time contracts as we age. There does not seem to be time to do anything. It could be the effect of something my Uncle used to say. "Sometimes he sits and thinks, sometimes he just sits." The seconds swiftly pass when we're sitting on our...I'd better not rhyme that or I might be blotted again.
This age of political correctness is possibly the most stupid since the Victorians were said to cover table legs so that the men would not become aroused. Just as bad are work safety rules. I heard of a case where the rubbish collection truck had a wheelie bin caught on top of the vehicle. When the driver was asked why he did not climb up and get it down (there was a ladder on the side of the truck) he said he was not allowed, he had to call the depot and get a cherry picker to do a job that would have taken five minutes. It is the age of bureaucratic insanity. We are all trapped in a spider web of government rules and regulations. Pretty soon we shall have to wear leather gloves when we write a letter in case we should get a paper cut.
Well, do you think I qualify as a grumpy old man?

Absolutely one of the grumpiest and you should be proud. On this island you will see men digging roads without shoes on their feet but hard hats on. Today I saw a girl taking money at a car park wearing rubber gloves I would imagine to stop her getting germs off of the money. She was however drinking from a can, which we have been told is very unhealthy because all kinds of varmits walk over your cans and other nasty things can happen to unopened tin.

My mother you to say that sometimes she sat and thought and other times she just sat. My mother originated from the Buckinghamshire area but a lot of what she said was of Yorkshire origin. Now I am reliably informed that Yorkshire people or dour and glum. May you have originated from Yorkshire stock. If so congratulations they take their gumpiness to the limit.

When things don't go well it is always good to have someone to blame or if you fail at a particular task something to blame, I have been making bread for the last week, so that in the morning we have a fresh loaf for toast. The bloody bread maker is doing it all wrong, I am putting in the ingredients all right, I know that but that bread maker is stupid.

Don't get me started on bereaucratic insanity I had a very good friend who was Qualified Social Worker. He was very good at his job. One day he saw a shorter colleague trying to read the rota for the following months shifts. He walked up behind her and for a joke lifted her up so that she could see with out stretching. Three years later they found him guilty of sexual harassment and he was sacked. His short colleague still works as a Qualified Social Worker, but if I ever needed one I would hate to see her coming through the door.

You could be right about the Yorkshire connection. My mother used to talk of a relative who, when he wanted the door closed would say, "Put wood t'door lass." I don't know if he was a blood relative or not. Most of our blood lines are Scottish or Irish; but there is probably a whole lot of other stuff in there. I have a couple of cousins who married and they are smallish and dark which could be a throwback to the Picts. It's a small world after all and if we are to believe the evolutionists we are all descended from the amoeba anyway. I don't know what the amoeba is descended from, but I don't think it really matters. Mankind spends more time accentuating their differences than their commonality.
Not to mention religion. But I will. Once I used to view religious doctrine with tolerant incredulity, but now I find the religious fanatics to be repulsive. But what can you do? Their minds are set in concrete, and they each believe that they are the only ones who are right? The silly asses (language modified) can't realise that *I* am the only one who is right.
It is a difficult thing to be the only sane man in bedlam.

What an interesting bloke you are.
I too am Scot/Irish from Arisaig in Invernesshire. My grandfather was Donald McDonald he was a fisherman. Unfortunately when my mother became pregnant with me she ran away to England and gave birth then she ran back to the highlands. I was brought up by English foster parents and I never knew my mother until I was 28.

I loved all things from Scotland even before I knew I had Scots blood my foster father used to get angry because I liked the bag pipes.

I am not of the tribe of Pict for I am not small or dark. My mother may well have been and my daughter who I have spoken about before sounds extremely Pict especailly if they were a warsome tribe.

My husband comes from Lancashire whose people of course had the war of the roses with the people of Yorkshire. Such a small island and yet the Engish cannot even be friends with their near neighbours.

The saying "Put wood in thole" was usually followed by the question "do ye think that money grows on trees?" Although we say that the Yorkshireman is dour we also have to say that he has a great sense of humour and many of our great comedians are from the North of England and of course Billy Connelly if you have heard of him is one of our great Scottish names.

Hope you have a good week, and may I say I just hope bedlam appreciates your sanity. Don't forget most Christians don't want to go to hell, the secret is that most of us sane ones have already been there. Usually more than once.

My word you get around. I've been looking around at various conversations and seem to see Cookiecate every other place. My mother's name was Catherine. All her contemporaries called her Kitty, or Kit. She was a shorty and round of figure in her later years. A kind and loving person, I wish I could have been less of a nuisance to her.
Hey! I got a poem posted on The Post. First try too. But then I guess they post most, if not all, entries. Poetry is a difficult thing to judge. I think the old, I don't know much about art but I know what I like applies even more to poetry than it does to painting. Words can be interpreted in so many ways. Jaberwock runs a Poetry Conversation that I like to follow. I have a few anthologies that I have not looked at in years and they have come in handy now. Occasionally when I can't find one that fits the condition of following on in the vein of the previous poem I invent one for the occasion.
Sometimes I am too lazy to do that so I just wait till the mood changes.
Since you are thinking of relocating have you ever considered Australia?
You have a choice of climates from the Caribbean like Queensland to the English model in Tasmania. I believe Tasmania is a beautiful island. I never got around to seeing it. Never fancied going anywhere that was colder than Melbourne. Nor have I seen South oz or West Oz or the Northern Territory. Mostly because of the paruresis thing. Talk about a wasted life! Now I am using an extra excuse of a little cat. Cats do tie you down when you are a bit soft.

I do get about a bit and that's true. I would seriously love to have a look at Oz that sounds beautiful and strange historical and modern. When I get back in to civilisation I will have to work for a living and find somewhere to live that we will be able to afford on our now depleted savings. We meant to stay here for our retirement but we have had loads of dissappointment and disaster so it will be back to work and getting ourselves together again.

Life is a funny old game. I have a good friend who sends me poety quite often this morning she sent one about a neighbours cat getting into her bedroom through an open window. The cat then used her bed in a most unsanitary manner. My friend is now looking to put her foot into the part of the cat's anatomy where things usually come out of.

I agree some poetry I love but I am astounded when I hear people becoming positively orgasmic about a poem or a piece of art that I think is absolute rubbish. Like you I know what I like.

It's a bit of a shame that you have not travelled around your beautiful country more. We have paid out thousands to bring our dog along with us he is a lovely animal and I cannot tell you how much I value his friendship. Another reason to go back to England is that he will not have to go into quarantine as he has had all his shots less than 12 months ago.

I saw your posts about the beach photos.The cruelty of the candid camera. Could I make a suggestion? There are in Melbourne, and probably in your area, Photographers who specialise in making people appear glamourous. Get yourself one of those and hang it where you can see it everyday. Can't hurt.
I don't know if it is that my mind is getting more twisted lately, but I keep seeing people doing the things people do, like policemen, army blokes, politicians, priests, all the usual people of the world, and I think to myself, how much notice would anybody take of them if they were naked. We judge people not by what they are, but by what their clothes make them appear to be. I suppose the average man when addressed by another naked man would immediately make comparisons. If the other man were less endowed, the observer would feel smug, or superior. If the speaker was more largely blessed, the observer would be resentful. In either case what the speaker had to say would be tempered by the size of his toyshop. However we like to think of ourselves, a man's manhood tends to be more obvious than the nose on his face. It is a ridiculous distraction. But maybe that's just me.

By the way, are we, or more likely, am I, transgressing some rule or other in this conversation? Should I confine myself to shorter posts, with witty remarks and badinage as are in the other conversations. Is there a book of rules somewhere to tell a newcomer such as myself how not to tread on toes? I do tend to run on a bit.

My dear, as far as I am concerned you can run on as long as you like, I never stick to the rules and feel that rules are there to be broken, or bent if you can.

I have been told to imagine people naked during an interview or some other scary interlude where other people took charge.

I have also taken on board the idea that men like large cars because they are an extention of their manhood. Clothes do makethe man and I am glad for sometimes I know I would not be able to face my public with out my cover.

My son told me that I could actually cover myself with a likeness of the pink panther or some such, although I am sure your idea would appeal to my husband more as he could appear to be sitting on the beach with someone gorgeous.

I think you may be right about the uniforms the police and the army wouldn't get far if they were naked and I can imagine the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister in the House of Lords.

"May I advise you Mr Prime Minister that it takes a big man to admit his mistakes".

The Prime Minister looks down at himself and blushes.

"I would like to totally dismiss rumours that I have made any mistakes".

Of course for some people clothes are a downright necessity like butchers and farmers and brain surgeons. You couldn't have a nude brain surgeon. Teachers would have to wear clothes as it would be inappropriate to have children seeing their elders and betters in the altogether as nature intended.

We have some amazing conversations. Absolutely bloody amazing.

A little more about nudity and then I'll leave it alone....for now.
I think young children would adapt to it faster than adults. Naturism is quite often a family affair. It might be a good research idea for someone. See what effect it had on the children in later life. Another thing I noticed is that cats do not treat you any different if you are dressed or not. The only time my cat looked at me strangely was when I was wearing a hat. Scares the life out of her. But then, that's cats for you. Mysterious, annoying, entertaining little people.
By the way, my love for cats does not preclude my love for dogs. I do not, as some men think, reckon that real men love dogs and wierdos own cats. I'd have a dog like a shot but I live on the corner of two busy streets and my fences, where they exist, are in a state if disrepair. A dog would not last long. They have a short enough life as it is, which is sad.

Ummm. I think you were making an assumption about your P.M. Would it not be good to find out. Our P.M. is not a big bloke and you know what they say about little men.....they have big ideas.

I have a fairly big car. I can only say that my only measurement that is not above average is the one a man most wants. The reason I have a big car is that when I go to buy a car, the salesman says, "How about this one?", and I say "Yeah, all right." It is a 92 model Ford Falcon
automatic, drives like a dream and is Hot Chille Red. I left my mid life crisis a bit late. The next time I choose a nom-de-puter I'll call myself The Procrastinator. Or Ron..lateron.