h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Taming Ouroubourous, Applications of Higher Temporal Dynamics for Beings Embedded in Fewer than Seven Dimensions, Guide to the TTC (Time Travellers Convention)

[Yar walks in, his katana at his hip, carrying a slip of paper with "IIEM" written prominently across the top of one side, reading it with the air of someone following directions. He pauses at the sight of HappyDude, and rolls his eyes, pocketing the slip of paper, waiting to see what happens next.]

*coughs loudly and rings bell on the counter*

[walks over towards HappyDude] Huh. Looks like no one's been here in ages.

it is a bit dusty... perhaps we should get the Black Vested Henchmen to have a scout around?

*A gaggle of Black Vested Henchmen enter and begin scouting around. Fortunately, the library is alphabetized. Unfortunately, BVH's aren't known for their linguistic prowess*

[idly watches the BVH's] Uh. So, what was it you were looking for?

*A man drifts in. Well, half of a man. Well, a very translucent half of a man. Not a man at all, really.*

*Um.*

*Anyway.*

*He swoops around through the bookshelves, his long emo hair covering half of his face, a strange and very insane smile on his face.*

*A Black Vested Henchman is about to respond, but quickly notices that this is actually YK and not Y2K, and decides to let Happy respond while he continues searching*

[Yar senses the "not half a man", and does his best to keep track of him whilst still paying attention to HappyDude.]

*The apparition swooshes over to Yar and smiles gleefully.*

I'm looking... for someone.

*He shows Yar a plain golden ring, the use of which is not at all obvious.*

This brought me here. So there must be something here to tell me where she's gone.

*One henchman, aided somewhat by the fact that there was a typo in the book's name, finds the copy of Taming Ouroubourous*

[peers at the ring] Hmm. Wouldn't know. Do Elven letters appear when you throw it in a fire?

*The apparition blinks.*

No... ooh, but if I spin it, it does this!

*He spins it a half turn clockwise and a half turn counterclockwise. A large flame soars out of the ring and spells out words on a nearby wall:*

"Welcome to Spishack's Emergency Interdimensional Transport System (commonly known as the I.S.H., In case Something Happens, system)! This handy ring can assist you out of any situation you may currently find yourself in, yes, you, our dear customer. Our service has two highly useful functions. The first is activated by rotating your ring one complete rotation to the left. This will send you to our Interdimensional Nexus, which can then direct you to any other golden ring existing in the Multiverse! (This feature only usable once per ring, due to the transportation process, which destroys both user's ring and target location ring.) The second function, usable an unlimited number of times, is activated by rotating your ring one complete rotation to the right. This will exchange your present location (and whatever situation you happen to be in) with that of a currently active Red Shirted Employee, courtesy of our licence with Red Shirted Employment, Inc. (Currently active Red Shirted Employees will have a silver ring which cannot be activated by its owner, and is permanently avaliable.)

"For those of you who choose to use our Interdimensional Nexus, please bear in mind the following: Spishack, Inc. is not responsible for the results of using this feature, as they very widely between users. Results may not necessarily improve your situation nor place you anywhere you necessarily want to be. To assist you on your journey, the Nexus contains six options, five of which will be avaliable to you on your arrival. The six are: red, blue, green, white, black, and shiny. (Yes, 'shiny' IS a color.) White and black strings will take you to other individuals currently owning rings. (One of these will be unavaliable to the user due to the nature of this transportation system.) Blue and green strings will take you to creatures who are somehow in possession of a ring (blue for aquatic creatures, green for land-based creatures). Shiny takes you to the home of the I.S.H. system's creator (note: creator may not be present at time of arrival). The red string will take you to da...er...us.....oc...ions...... CAUTIONCAUTIONCAUTION choosingtheredstringiscompletelycrazy andnotreccommendedifyoustillenjoybreathingonaregularbasis.... choosingtheredstringmayresultin loss of limbs, loss of sanity, loss of brain function; may cause itching, burning, watery eyes, unpleasant rashes, respiratory disorders; sudden loss of gravity, dry land, or dry clothing (or all clothing) or any possessions or abilities Spishackisnotresponsibleforanylossesordehabilitations resultingfromuseoftheredstring...

"Have a wonderful day, and thank you for choosing the I.S.H. for all your unforseen travel needs! And please, ask your local interdimensional retailer for more fine Spishack, Inc. Multiverse Solutions. Spishack -- We're Always There... For You!"

*The Henchmen are engrossed with a strange mural that might show a 3-D image or something. They keep trying to see it...*

[Yar peers at the writing]

Spishack, Inc. wouldn't be a subsidiary of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, would it? Or Aperture Science?

Aperture Science, perhaps...

*The apparition shrugs.*

I have no idea....

*He looks very confused, then drifts off through the bookshelves again, still searching.*

[Yar nods, and looks around for HappyDude] So ... uh ...

*starts flicking through the card index apparently blissfully ignorant of any apparition type thingies*