h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've had people decide that I was trying to rob them. Also people thinking I'm planning to sell them stuff and preach to them. One poor gal ran off screaming, especially when I chased after her only to explain she had left a bag on the bench she had been sitting on. I don't know what she was thinking but I suppose I can see how a 6footsomething unshaven youth dressed all in black running towards her at speed in the dark in the middle of a park with nobody around could be upsetting.

Hola Az,

So it appears the largest threats to Gentility are:
fear of repercussion; and,
a coarsening of Civil culture.

Well, what can we, as individuals do? My thought is to carry on regardless, keep the gentility, uphold the common decency. Which is increasingly hard in the suspicious world we live in.

I read that fear of crime is greater than actual crime, people feel that they are likelier to be a victim of crime than they actually are.

So any person is likelier to be thought of suspiciously, which logically means the threat of being thought suspicious is annulled. If I am likely to be thought suspicious anyway, whatever I do will be thought suspicious, so it isn't reason not to do it, as not doing it will achieve the same end (i.e. me being thought suspicious).

So the fear of repercussion is dealt with by itself ("we have nothing to fear except fear itself")

If we apply this and carry on being 'Gentle', maybe we can affect the culture at large?

hola His Nibbs,

I don't actually have a fear of repercussion and I know that my appearance is quite benign, so I don't ever frighten people when I approach them to offer help. As for a coarsening of civil culture. Hmmm.

Once I was walking through a square at night that had tables set out in front of a bar/restaurant and I saw a woman (obviously foreign) sitting on her own at a table with her bag on the floor, kind of sticking out into where people were walking by. So I went over and suggested that she might like to move her bag closer under the table and she snapped at me - 'I've been living here for THREE MONTHS and NOTHING bad has ever happened to me!' Yikes! I wanted to say to her that I'd been living here for ten years and almost everyone I knew had been robbed in the street at some time or other (except for me - touching wood as I type). But I didn't say anything more, just walked away muttering 'ungrateful cow!' under my breath.

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Well, I'll certainly keep doing my part!

az

I think this says more about her than yourself.

Yes, but that's half the challenge of gentlemanly conduct, extending it to all, especially stranger and those who may not deserve it.

The trouble is simply, who can we trust? A year of walking the streets of Birmingham has made me carry stock phrases and face expressions the instant someone asks me for money. Only the other day I was asked by someone at the station for money because apparetly has car had broken down. I brushed her off without even thinking about it, only a few stepes later I started to feel guilty-what if she really had been in trouble? As it was, by the route she went, it was almost certain that she wasn't broken down and was simply trying to use that excuse to get money. I'm more responsive to people who don't try to use that sort of tactic. But it just illustrates the fact that people try this thing so often that you can't trust them.

Other things are not so abused, and someone running after you is more likely to be giving you something than about to rape you. But then, in a dark park I wouldn't be so happy either. But then, I would also apologise profusely and be very thankful if someone was returning a posession of mine!

Hi all,

Your story of guilt in Birmingham reminded me of a case which happened "round here" (rural south west Lancashire) earlier this year. A woman whose car had broken down at the roadside, reported seeing many people slow down, then drive past, presumably assessing whether she was a threat or trap. Eventually, someone did stop and organise her rescue, but only after an hour of seeing other people fail to do so.

I understand the fear if crime is larger than the incidence of it. We are in fear of fear. Quite what this says about society I'm unsure.

I like to think that I'd try and help in that situation, but I don't often feel vunerable in these situations. I do feel bad about not being able to give money to all the homeless people who ask because I do believe that I should do. But then being a starving student does make it acceptable for me. I buy the Big Issue almost every week.

I've been touched by people going out of their way to help in areas where I didn't expect them too -

When my mother had her bag snatched her whilst walking through an area with a very bad reputation, a local woman helped pick her up, gave her tea and called the police - (who were incidently very sympathetic - they came around several times until she got her confidence back).

Another time I was cycling home from a supermarket with a lot of shopping in my rucksack, when I fell off my bike and the bag was ripped. A very friendly lady gave me a bag, and helped me home.

Both incidents were on council estates. I couldn't imagine either happening in a more middle class area.

I've found all of your comments on this very interesting.

To me, gentlmanly conduct should most importantly display an element of common courtesy. I think a particular friend of mine does this well. When I'm walking with him, he always opens doors and holds them for me to go through. Frequently, there's a second set of doors after that, so I hold the next one for him. (We've joked that it's playing leapfrog) Or, if I get to the door first, I open it. He also offers to carry things when I've got my hands full, plus my backpack (of course, this is always when he's carrying nothing ). Additionally, he keeps his word. If he says he will do something he remembers, and then does it.
These are all things that I think are important when I'm considering gentlmanly conduct. I don't think that it's necessary to apply traditional gender roles to the concept anymore (just to echo many other people here). Rather, it's the idea of courtesy that's more important.

hi Z,

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I'm not a starving student, but I am a constantly skint English teacher so I am also not able to hand out money to all the street people here who ask me. What I have done instead is befriend one street beggar. His name is Miguel and he lost his leg when he was 19 in a motorcycle accident (he drunkenly ran into an oncoming train!). He is also a heroin addict, now 48 years old. Anyhow, a few years ago I saw him outside on Christmas eve morning and for some reason (Christmas!) I felt moved to give him a 1,000 peseta note. Since then he has regarded me as his 'special friend'.

Well, he often stops in at my usual breakfast bar and when I see him I always invite him to have breakfast with me and I pay for his. And this is how I found out about his life. I prefer to buy him breakfast than give him money in the street as this way at least I know he has had one good meal. He knows this and so never asks me for money when he sees me in the street, though we often have a little chat. But I do give him a Christmas card every year with some cash in it - maybe 10 euros - and also a gift of some sort.

Anyhow, doing this, which I *can* afford to do, helps me feel less guilty about not being able to hand out money to everyone. And I think I am giving Miguel more than just a hand-out as I also have offered him my friendship. Sometimes I see him in the street looking very unwell and he always gets a hug and a kiss from me and I spend some time with him hearing about his problems. I know I cannot 'save' him or even help him any more than I do. But I like to think that it makes a difference in his day when we see each other and talk.

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I'm afraid you might be right about that. My upbringing was lower-middle class. We were never 'poor' and we never went hungry but there was never an abundance of money. I guess as a result I don't feel so far away from Miguel, if you know what I mean. I knew people like him when I was growing up, though they were mostly alcoholics and not heroin addicts. The point being that Miguel doesn't frighten me or seem all that weird. He's just someone who fell between the cracks and has never been able to get himself back together.

It could have something to do with Seville being a not very large city, but I often see quite well-to-do people handing out money to the usual street people here. Some of them I know get regular money from others who have decided to take care of them as best they can. I once saw a very well-dressed man standing in the middle of the main shopping street here looking around as if he were lost. And then he suddenly spotted this guy who is always in the street. He waved to him and went over and handed him some money. And then I watched this well-dressed man continue his 'search' up and down the street looking for the others. Isn't that lovely?

Sorry for the very long posting. I just thought that it might be a good idea if all of us could somehow 'adopt' one particular street person that we see every day in our neighbourhood. Not just to give them some much needed cash but also to spend a bit of time talking to them. In your case, Z, since you are a starving student, you could probably still afford to make a sandwich for someone and then spot them the cost of a cup of take-away coffee. And then spend a bit of time for a chat.

What do you think?

az

Thats a great idea Az. You could also volunteer to help out at a local feeding station or hostel, trust me they'll always need help.

It will also mean that you'll get to know, and be known by, a lot of the local 'street' community. You'll find that they know who's real and who's fake, they'll also not ask you for money - unless they're desperate. The problem comes that desperate for them (need a drink/fix) is not perhaps desperate for you, so its a fine line.

Now this may seem like a lot of hard work to maintain a relationship that is only really providing a sop to your conscience, but it affects how you feel about yourself as a person. If you like yourself you will project a positive aura, you will feel confident about dealing with situations, and you will have the courage to decide what is 'right' when faced with moral dilemmas.

Someone who does what is 'right' are the people we describe as 'gentlemen' or 'gentleladies'

We usually instinctively know what is right, but personal feelings, or social ineptitude, or suspiscion, or society, or cowardice, make us do something different.



One last point you NEVER delegate to another what you cannot face doing yourself. A gentleman shoots his own dog.

hi McKay,

I don't have enough free time to dedicate myself to charity work at the local 'feeding stations'. Instead, I do what I can.

<<Now this may seem like a lot of hard work to maintain a relationship that is only really providing a sop to your conscience,<<

I'm not sure how you mean that. I'm actually quite well-known to the street community here. They see me every day as I see them. And I always greet everyone, though I cannot give them all money.

Being Miguel's friend is not, in fact, a sop to my conscience. I know that this is the most I can afford to do financially. And so I focus on one person because I hope I can make a bit of a difference in his life. And I think I have. At least, a little bit. Also, I happen to like Miguel very much and I do care about him, but I can see that short of taking him into my own home I cannot do much more for him than I am already doing.

It sounds a bit like you are criticizing me for what I am not doing. I know the homeless are a massive social issue. Meanwhile, I am barely able to pay my rent each month. I don't have money to spare. And the extra time I have is usually spent trying to make my own life work better. Which is actually quite a constant struggle.

Sorry, but I refuse to accept criticism for at least trying to do something.

And I was not 'delegating'. Only suggesting that other people might also want to try taking care of a known street person in their neighbourhood. As much as they are able. I don't think this is a bad idea.

az

Az - I do have a regular Big Issue sellar, who I chat to every time I buy one. I know his situation, and try and give what I can to him, there are times when I've brought him a sandwich and a coffee.

I find middle class people have far less sympathy for homeless people they're very scared of them almost.

When I think I can't afford it, I remember my Dad (who is worse of than I am financially) feeling incredably guilty for not being able to offer a homesless person a cigarette who asked for one - and going to buy a packet for him.

His approach was giving up smoking is hardly going to be a priority if you're living on the streets and they deserved some comfort.

Sorry Az - you seem to have mis-understood me. Treating a street person as a human being is the BEST thing you can do for them.

My remarks about volunteer work were an attempt to encourage more people to do it - not a criticism of what you do.

The sop to conscience referred to me - I did it initially because I felt guilty that I did nothing. Helping out out for 2 hours on a Sunday led me to feeling better about myself - feeling I was doing something positive about a situation I didn't really have an answer to. It also meant I could look the beggar in the eye and say no, but if you go to .... you can get a meal.

It also gave me a perspective on problems in my life.

Oh and the bit about delegating was referring to the manager calling in a consultant to sack people.

McKay,



It's sometimes easy to misunderstand postings. Not enough smileys for all the nuances. . .

az

A few months ago I was convinced to give some money to someone who claimed to be stranded and unable to get home. Its an old story and even at the time I thought it was probably a con. Since then I've seen the same person hanging around the station so I'm now pretty certain I was conned. I don't mind. I'd've hated to be cautious and later read about a young women stranded in a strange city wandering the streets and being murdered.

I buy a Big Issue every week from a woman with loads of gold teeth.

Perhaps she had gold teeth before she feel on hard times and became homeless? do you think that she should sell her teeth?

Or perhaps she had them as a child, before running away from an abusive home?

You can't judge other people unless you've walked a mile in their shoes etc.

I didn't say I judged her for it, or that she should sell her teeth. I was just making a comment.

Chill out!