The Lord Mike Saga Quote Directory
Created | Updated Jul 7, 2003
No saga is complete without it's own quote directory. In my course of exploring the internet, I have come across alt.fan.pratchett/quotes, alt.fan.adams/quotes and even alt.tv.red-dwarf/quotes.
Well, this is my very own answer to them:
alt.fan.mike-mills/quotes.
This is, by no means, a definitive list of quotes. Indeed, it only goes up to "101 Fumigations". If I wanted to write every line that had a vestage of humour in it, then I might as well have just copied out every story. This page specialises in the single lines, or short exchanges. Here they are, packaged and ready to be used in speeches, or public addresses. Think how much better a speech would be that went: "I don't feel that I'm loosing a son, but gaining a daughter... Actually, has anyone noticed that this hall looks like the inside of a tube of toothpaste?"
I've collected together here lines that are particularly, clever, important, famous or just made me giggle like a little girl. If you're favourite quote is missing, drop a line at the bottom, and I'll add it in.
As you may have noticed, this page is on the large side of average, so I have devided the quotes into sections by who they are said.
THE LORD MIKE SAGA QUOTES DIRECTORY
LORD MIKE (Interview)'Or even the time you ordered a pizza to my place? I answered the door to find myself having to pay for a triple mustard with extra gravy.'
- Sir Mike on the Stainless Steel Rat's Evil Schemes (The Adventures of Michael Mills)
"The result of an experiment to mix vermin with aluminium. One of the scientists got in the way and well..."
- Mike describing the Stainless Steel Rat(Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
"Anyway the operation needs three men because..." (Sir Mike goes on to explain at great length why they need three men)
- Mike (Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
"Don't worry, I'm not in this story."
- Mike (Law'd and Order)
"I'm sorry old chap, but I'm not that way inclined"
- Mike (various)
"Enough of this gay banter. Quick, to the low budget, dingy cave factory, there we will find our adversary for this adventure, I'm certain."
- Mike (Lord Mike and the Guide Entry)
STEVEN FORD (Interview)"Wait a minute, didn't we just pass this road a minute or so, ago?"
- Steven Ford (Albino Royale)
"Hmm," Said Steven, mainly for effect.
- Steven Ford (Albino Royale)
'Has anybody noticed that this Taxi cab looks strangely like the inside of a tube of toothpaste?'
- Steven Ford (Albino Royale)
"I know nothing, in fact I'm not even anything to do with this, I just wondered in from the Audio board, oh is that the time, I've got a train to catch, see you around,"
- Steven Ford (Albino Royale)
"What," he said, "am I doing in my bedroom," he paused, at the thought of a more pressing concern. "Come to that, what are you doing in my bedroom?"
- Steven Ford (Albino Royale)
"And of course it would mean I wouldn't have to brave regular employment. Ouch! Did you see that? Did you see that? That lamppost just jumped out right in front of me!"
- Steven (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
"There's something fishy going on here, and it's not my lunch."
- Steven (Attack of the Spoilers)
"If I was more intelligent I'd think of a witty remark to make"
- Steven (Lord Mike and the Guide Entry)
NARRATIONThroughout his long and varied career as a Security Officer and Tour guide for the statue, this was the sixty-third time that the Stainless Steel Rat had taken control of it. Using the same method. And the same toy handgun.
- Narration (The Adventures of Michael Mills)
Her voice was soft and Russian, like most people in Central London.
- Narration (Albino Royale)
He placed some coins in (he never could remember how much he needed to put in to use it, so he generally just put in several until it worked) and dialled a number.
- Narration (Albino Royale)
Meanwhile, Sir Mike opened the envelope, with complete disregard that the contents actually belonged to somebody else.
- Narration (Albino Royale)
The private detective emerged from the shadows and tried to get a cab. Twenty minutes later he decided it was useless and took the tube instead.
- Narration (Albino Royale)
Sir Mike, Steven and Lindsay made their way to tube station Sir, on the Butlerloo Line.
- Narration (Albino Royale)
As we join, the Hurricane, rather rubbish superhero, is trying his best to entertain the
Queen
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
Suddenly the entire court - with the exception of Lord Mike, Commander Painter, Sir Lance and Queen Pamela - burst out in a song and dance
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
Lord Mike pauses in the middle of doing something enigmatic.
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
Meanwhile, while each separate author of this tale manages to get his or her fictional counterpart into the centre of this story, Steven walks down a corridor.
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
The ambulance men laughed so hard, they dropped the stretcher into Castle Raeskull's shark infested moat. Which then exploded for no adequately explored reason.
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
Lance is being rushed to the infirmary when Steven narrowly manages to avoid walking into him, mistaking him for a lamppost.
- Narration (New Years Honours List)
It was not long before he found a Dalek mutant working as a taxi driver, a cyber mat pretending to be a traffic warden and an Ogron not doing very much.
- Narration (Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
They sprinted across London, the scenery looking suspiciously like a painted cloth hanging down from a BBC studio, and raced down many strangely similar streets.
- Narration (Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
Matt went for the interview next, for no good reason other than he was impatient
- Narration (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
This story will be available on DVD from 2067, with a commentary by Mike, Steven and Matt filled with long pauses. There will also be a disused title sequence because it was rubbish, model sequences of Steven standing still. Deleted scenes of Mike sneezing, and out takes of Matt asking whether it was time for his line, Mike complaining about the size of his shoes, and Steven walking into a lamppost. As well a two Easter eggs, one of which is a jelly baby.
- Narration (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
General Ford, although succeeding during the interview blew any chances of bringing in any cash for the heroes by accidentally catching his nose in the door and was then dismissed.
- Narration (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
Sir Lance walks in with a tea tray laden with biscuits, purple iguanas and, oddly enough, tea
- Narration (Attack of the Spoilers)
Sir Lance nods, doing a fairly good impression of someone who understands what's going on
- Narration (Attack of the Spoilers)
After a fair amount of talking, arsing around and generally not doing anything, Lord Mike finds the door handle
- Narration (Attack of the Spoilers)
Lord Ike fumes silently, having run out of things to say in his limited Scotch dialect.
- Narration (Attack of the Spoilers)
That was until the giant duck landed in the garden.
- Narration (Intro of Maddness)
A giant Weetabix dinosaur rears up before him, roaring loudly, but not very convincingly
- Narration (Lord Mike and the Guide Entry)
Our four intrepid heroes - well, three if you don't count Lance - enter St David's Hall and walk - actually Steven is really all that intrepid either is he? - Our two intrepid heroes and two other pillocks enter St David's Hall and walk - except for Steven who waddles - through the entrance hall.
- Narration (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
Above their heads hangs a large banner proclaiming "CARDIFF - EUROPE'S YOUNGEST CAPITAL" next to which is another one saying, "HELLO, I AM A BANNER" and a third which reads, "CARDIFF MERIDIAN PIE 2003".
- Narration (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
Um... quick, cliffhanger... um... then a curtain rail fell on Steven
- Narration (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
VILLAINS'I have you now, Mills, and it's the ultimate end of... ultimate... endings!'
- Stainless Steel Rat (The Adventures of Michael Mills)
'I am hereby taking control of this statue. If you wish to stop me, old man, you may make a complaint to the "Evil Geniuses Guild" in Los Angeles, whereupon they will discuss my behaviour at their next meeting and I will receive a official warning letter a few weeks later. But until then you will do as I say!'
- Stainless Steel Rat (The Adventures of Michael Mills)
"Soon they will fall into my deadly trap of deadliness, laddy"
- Lord Ike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"But first, we must outline our plans for no apparent reason,"
- Lord Ike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"But not to me, I'm no leaning that way, you know what I mean?"
- Lord Ike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"No I'm going to assume it went okay, after all you're only manacled to a work surface in a television studio with your trusty cane close to hand, why should you escape?"
- A voice (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
OTHERS'I suggest you make like a tree, and get out of here.'
- Pub Owner (The Adventures of Michael Mills)
"Tube station sir,"
- Cab Driver (Albino Royale)
"Guards, take him away and do something nasty to him. Make sure it involves a pineapple!"
- Queen Pamela (New Years Honours List)
"And due to my rather hefty pay increase, we will all have enough to spare for Jelly Babies and Beer and stuff. If you are allowed to have beer that is?"
- Matt (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
"And so it began. Lord Mike sat by my side looking, as you do when driving an automobile, at the road in front of him. Unfortunately, he should have been looking at the car in front of him, so he crashed into its rear spoiler."
- Lance (The Diary of Dr. L Oswald Baylis )
"They were giving chase, and I looked back nervously hoping that they weren't. Unfortunately, they were, so I had to say that they were."
- Lance (The Diary of Dr. L Oswald Baylis )
VARIOUS"First we have this message: 'y0u R Bi/n/g watchD, Leev befoR They catch up WIth U'. Noting the writing style, I deduce that this is written in what is known as 1337 5P33k."
"Elite speak?!"
- Sir Mike and Lindsay (Albino Royale)
"Your Majesty, I have a plan!"
"It doesn't involve a giant shark, a sofa called Tim, a bunch of purple iguanas and a small exploding desk diary by any chance would it?"
"No"
"Oh... Mine did"
- Lindsay and Mike (New Years Honours List)
"Tube station, sir,"
"Oh shut up,"
- Steven and the taxi driver (Albino Royale)
"What's all this time disturbance about? You can't just flick a switch on your cane and sort that out."
"Can't I?"
"No,"
"Oh."
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
'What's going on here?'
'I don't know. All I do know is that after 13 posts, we still haven't gotten past the scene with the Taxi driver. 14, if you count this one.'
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"Don't you know your anagrams, Thompson is an anagram of Stainless Steel Rat,"
"No it isn't."
"Oh no, but it would be nice if it was."
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"As you may have noticed there are some extreme time distortions going on at the moment."
"I thought I'd noticed, but it could have been the cheese I had last night,"
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"Anyway, it is all down to the interference of a certain Mr Thompson,"
"And there was me thinking it was going to be Stainless Steel Rat,"
"No, no, that wouldn't make any sense at all."
"What if Mr Thompson worked for Mr Rat?"
"Oh do shut up and listen Steven,"
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"You see, I have become part of this time loop. This may seem to you like the first time we've had this conversation, but for me it is the 43775th time."
"Oh,"
"That's what you said for the last 5667 times. The time before that you just coughed, which was quite a nice surprise."
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"I'd watch out, you trip over in a minute."
"I've never tripped over in my life," said Steven, stumbling on an uneven slab and falling on his face.
- Sir Mike and Steven (Albino Royale)
"Well I'm a possible outcome of these time disturbances, if you don't stop them they will alter your physical appearance-"
"-to look like Paul McGann"
- Steven and a Mike (Albino Royale)
"You're awake at last"
"I'd noticed"
- A man (Mike) and Steven (Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
"International super spies don't kidnap people to get their opinions on curtains do they?"
"Well there was one time with Carol Smiley..."
- Steven and Mike (Steven Versus Assorted Who Villains)
"Good grief there's Lance."
"That would be good, but it doesn't really have any plot basis at all, does it?"
"No, really, he's over there."
- Steven and Mike (101 Fumigations)
"Right, where to?"
"Ken Tucky's Fried Chicken, I love that independent chicken frying establishment."
- Mike and Steven (Lord Mike and the Guide Entry)
"I see...would you excuse me for a moment your majesty?"
"Yes of course."
Councillor Penny walks out of the room...
"I don't think he's coming back..."
- Martin, Queen Pamela and Lord Mike (New Years Honours List)
"What's a cookship?"
"It's what happens when you take a nuclear submersible, fill it with French people in big white hats and moustaches, and make them create a giant soufflé with only ingredients from the ships reactor to use."
- Mike and Matt (New Years Honours List)
"Carry on Commander"
"Never saw that one"
- Matt and Marian (New Years Honours List)
"I'll be back!"
"Of course you will, you work here."
- Martin and Mike (New Years Honours List)
"Something terrible has happened"
"Sorry that was me"
- Lance and Matt (New Years Honours List)
"There's spelling mistakes all over the place"
"Doo U thinc it could hiv suffthign to do twith the Stainlesss Steel Ratatooy?"
"Yek!"
- Lance and Mike (New Years Honours List)
"This General Ford/Steven muddle really is peculiar. I smell..."
"Pie?"
"Curry?"
"Bad?"
"No. A Rat!"
"Any particular rat, or can you not tell by his aroma?"
"I would say it was a stainless steel one."
- Mike, Matt and Steven (Steven Vs Regular Employment)
"Something strange is going on, I can feel it ... Why has the car suddenly stopped?"
"Because the driver's got out. Twit."
- Lance and Steven (Attack of the Spoilers)
"I think his catchphrase is better"
"D'you want a punch y' Norwegian Pansey?!"
"But yours is so much more poetic"
- Stefan Fjord and Lord Ike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"So we go now to Britain?"
"Noo, noo we don't."
"Why is that we do not?"
"'Cause is we wait til the next sequel, we can say the whole kitankaboodle is a story arc."
- Stefan Fjord and Lord Ike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"It's odd isn't it?"
"What, blue cheese?"
"No, though admittedly that is odd, but megalomaniacs always leave secret passages into their hideouts"
"Sir Lance: Must be a power thing..."
- Steven and Lance (Attack of the Spoilers)
"No, no, let the boy speak. What is it, hmm?"
"My evil Welsh counterpart, Llance Boyohlis!"
"You what?"
"Yes. He's a professional Billy Hartnell impersonator, you see."
- 'William Hartnell', Lance and Mike (Attack of the Spoilers)
"I've got it!"
"Got what?"
"The rhythm!"
"And anything useful?"
- Mike and Marian (Attack of the Spoilers)
"Are you trying to be clever?"
"Not just trying, succeeding!"
- Mike and the 'teacher' (Attack of the Spoilers)
"Really?"
"Really, you kept me awake with your incessant mutterings"
"Sorry"
"Why iz zee piddling liddle man talking to himzelf?"
- Lance, Lance and Marion (Attack of the Spoilers)
"Do something!"
"Quack!"
(They all stare at Sir Lance)
"Sorry"
"Idiot"
- Lance's brain and Lance (Attack of the Spoilers)
"Cease this foolish prattling you prattling fools"
"I apologise, but as prattling fools, it is in our nature to prattle foolishly, it's a kind of gimmick"
- Stefan Fjord and Mike (Lord Mike and the Guide Entry)
"all it was doing was holding that fence up."
Boom-tish
"Hey, give me back my percussion set!"
"Sorry, I didn't think you'd mind."
- Lance, Mike and Mike's drum set (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
"You left me to guard the Mills-Mobile, remember?"
"Then why were you asleep?"
"Um... I thought the baddies might try and attack me through my dreams"
- Steven and Lance (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
"Oh, this is Professor Emills from Wales. He was just about to tell us a secret!"
"What are you talking about, we're IN Wales! Who writes these scripts? I'm an established Shakespearean actor, I am! And I'm degraded into appearing in rubbishy little guest spots like this..."
- Marian and an old man (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
"Good grief, there they are, on top of that giant scaffolding!"
(Steven looks)
"No they're not."
"Sorry. I just wanted to make this post more interesting."
- Lance and Steven (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
"It'll take more than that."
-Boom-Tish-
"Don't ask me why the guy with the drum kit did that."
"Why did the guy with the drum kit do that?"
(pause)
"I think he was just a bit early. You know, we're really paying him too much for what he does."
- Steven, Lance and a guy with a drum kit (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
"I have counted everything, Mills. Even the number of times Lady Marian has said the word "it"."
"It? What about it?"
"Darn, now I'll have to recount."
- Martin and Marian (For Stake and Kidney Pies Only)
He's dramatic, and romantic,
Whenever there is danger he'll be there,
Conquers evil,
Quite fantastic,
And he does it all with lightly coiffered hair,
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike...
It's Lord Mike!
- Theme Music (to the tune of Danger Mouse)
