INTERVIEWED: Mike Mills

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"Has anyone noticed how this interview looks like the inside of a tube of toothpaste?"

Eric Coleslaw, reporter, mountain climber, and liar about his achievements, goes "behind the cravat" (not literally of course) as he interviews Lord Michael Mills. "Astound me, Holmes!" he demands...Mike Mills, winner of "Best dressed super hero" 1997, 1998 and 2001, hero of the Lord Mike Saga, man voted "most likely to save the world on 80 non-related occasions", humanity's last chance in the fight against darkness, stainless steel and rats, comes across as quite a quiet man, when I finally got to meet him. Lord Mike is one of the youngest characters in the Lord Mike Saga, in fact, he is younger than Steven and Lance put together. Yet, Lord Mike has been a life long saviour of the boards, or at least he will have been a life long saviour of them when he dies, and if he carries on saving them. I mean, if he goes and raises sheep or something, then it'll only be some of his life that he's spend saving the boards, and the rest raising sheep. Not that I'm saying that sheep raising isn't a noble thing to do. Where would we be without shepherds? We wouldn't have any lamb or mouton come to that, and there would be sheep wondering all over the place.Putting these concerns of mine aside, I decide to ask Lord Mike what memories he has of the beginning of the saga, all those months ago."What memories do you have of the beginning of the saga, all those months ago?" I ask."Well," he says, enigmatically stretching one of his arms, "the whole thing began, when the Stainless Steel Rat announced his aim to conquer the whole boards. As a laugh, I put myself forwards as a champion to stop him and, well, the rest is, as they say, history."I honestly didn't believe it would go very far at first. That isn't to say I didn't think it would continue at all, I certainly thought there was potential for that (especially after The Adventures of Michael Mills by Lance Baylis) but did I think we'd be looking forward to our eightieth story less than a year later? Never."I always feel that the Saga works best when it's spoofing itself i.e. when the characters have arguments with the narrator or when entire plot threads splinter out from mistakes in spelling. The Saga has worked best when it's random and made up on the spot. When people try to introduce elements of planning the entire format falls apart."I think everyone enjoys a little silliness every now and again and if the Saga is a way to do this then that's great. I'm not going to sit here blowing my own trumpet (in both senses)."Well, I'd imagine you'd have to be double joined to do that. "Quite, quite. Anyway, I enjoy the Lord Mike Adventures and I know many others do to. "I ask Lord Mike if he's always wanted to be a superhero, or was it a spur of the moment decision."Oh I always wanted to be a superhero ever since I was but a young 'un with my first tin-toy cane, shooting round on the Mills-Tricycle with wee Stevie Ford, young Master Baylis and young lassy Marian."Oh course, he no longer has a tine cane anymore. Now he has the real McCane... yes, well, he has a proper one."My cane was handcrafted by the very best cane makers of "Kane, Caine and Sons", Coventry. The very first gadget to appear was a laser beam, handy for cutting through chains. Some more useful ones have been a homing device (to return it to my hand if we ever get separated), a gun mode (it really is a shooting stick)" I laugh politely, "a rocket booster, helicopter rotor, umbrella, extendable boxing glove, furry dice, confetti and countless more besides."I notice Lord Mike is wearing a novelty "I'm being interviewed" cravat today, and I mention it to him, even though he must already know about it, since he's wearing it. You tend to notice things like that."Oh, I always wear these," he says, enigmatically reclining on his sofa, "I thought they'd suit my character." And, what about the Stainless Steel Rat? Will be ever be rid of him?Lord Mike looks to the heavens and breaths deeply. I look up too, to see if there's anything up there, but all I can see is the sky, and a cloud which looks slightly like a canon."I fear not. For as long as their is a corner which is dark, a stone which is not turned, a dodgy plot line not explored, he shall live on and I hope and pray that I will be there to stop him..." he says impressively.I try out an equally impressive but meaningless question: Some philosophers have said that the cane is a symbol of humanity against a darker deeper absence of truth in the soul and id - that the cane is a metaphor for man's external struggle for discovery and understanding."Well obviously all of these thoughts were at the forefront of my mind when we introduced the cane concept (if "concept" is a deep-enough word) because I needed to defeat the Stainless Steel Rat from as many angles as possible and philosophy was an obvious one."I nod and pretend I understand my question, which the strange looking researcher gave to me, and the answer, which Lord Mike gave to me."Hollywood is in plans at the moment to create a "Big Screen Debut" for the "Man with the Cravat" what do you think to this idea of an American actor playing you?" I ask him."I would be horrified. The Americans would change the jokes, add in tacky lines (well, more tacky lines) and put a moral message in at the end. However, if the price were right..."I sincerely hope we shall be seeing some more of his Lordship in the future, though, but as ever I have no precise plans for adventures. Although, having said that, my answer to one of the questions above has given me a yearning to write a "Junior Mike Mills Adventure" story...I smile politely, and hope to God that there's a well somewhere where I can hide when this story is released.Compiled by Eric Coleslaw fromThe Dailynesswww.dailyness.o-f.com

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