INTERVIEWED: Steven Ford

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“Interview? Good grief, that’s an anagram of Steven!”

The Dailyness tracks down the infamous lamppost worrier for his first ever online interview. “I want some Questions and Answers!” demands Eric Coleslaw…Steven leans back in his chair, and scratches at his head. “A table,” he points out philosophically, “has four legs.” I agree with him, more of out laziness than anything. I decide not to mention those tables with a single central leg, or any of the new “avant garde” furniture I’ve seen around. I wait for Steven to continue, I imagine there’s a point, but then, with someone who bumps into several lampposts a story, I can’t be sure. “A dog, has four legs too,” Steven continued, “therefore, a dog must be a table.” Saying thus, he put down his drink on the back of a passing terrier. Obviously, logic is something that has only just entered his awareness. I decide to quickly press on with the interview. I press on my cassette recorder, and do the same to the interview. For someone who regularly collides with lampposts, Steven has a remarkably bulbous nose. “I guess I do,” he says after a pause, during which he wipes up the drink and pieces of broken glass from his cup. “I hadn’t thought about it like that, you know. Ironic, eh?” .Um… yes. Anyway, what’s his first memory of the Lord Mike Saga?“The what? Oh, that. It must have been eight or nine months ago now. There was a shortish story called “Steven Ford Against the Robots” or something.” Steven Ford Vs The Cybermen, I tell him. “What? Oh yes, that’s it. Took place in my kitchen, I think. Ridiculous. We had no end of trouble with that. First they claimed the walls were the wrong shade of magnolia for the camera, so we had to paint them blue, and then I couldn’t get into my kitchen for weeks while they set up the camera equipment. It was a nightmare to get a cup of tea, I can tell you.” He pauses. “Sometimes I just went without actually – couldn’t be doing with the hassle.” What came next? “Tuesday, I think.” He pauses again, his attempt at wit sinking like a two story Huntington flat in the Pacific Ocean. “Well, there was another story a bit later on, called Steven Ford Vs Various Who thingies, I think.” I don’t bother to correct him. “And in that, someone called Bike came along, “ Mike, I say, “Of yes, him too, and Matt. And anyway, to cut a short story shorter, next thing I knew these adventures were a regular feature. There was another Steven Ford Vs story later on. There were three of them, I think.” A trilogy. “Oh, I wouldn’t go that far.” He mumbles. Just what is the problem with lampposts? “Oh, that…” Steven looks around suspiciously, and leans closer, despite my protests. “To tell you the truth,” he whispers, “I have no idea.” I frown. “the thing is,” he says, reaching for his drink, and remembering that it fell off the dog and smashed a while back, “it’s all down to statistics. I’ve been reading a book…” he catches sight of the expression on my face, “I’ve been looking at the pictures in a book,” he continues, “about statistics, and apparently, you’re more likely to walk into a lamppost than be hit by a meteorite.” I pause. So does Steven. “Well?” I say at length. “Well what?” Has he been hit by a meteorite? “No, but I’ve walked into a heck of a lot of lampposts, I can tell you. You know, there were a couple of times when there was a good reason for it. In that story, Albino Rhino.” Albino Royale, I correct him… again, “yes, that too, I think it made some sense there. Something about a taxi and a time loop.” He coughs, “to tell you the truth, I didn’t really understand much of it myself. I just pretend to look as if I know what’s going on,” not very well. Can he tell us about any stories coming up in the future? ”Well, there was one rumour I heard,” Steven says, “something about zombies I think… or was it ninjas, I forget now. Anyway, they were in it. The title was rather good actually, I remember thinking at the time, ‘ho ho, that’s rather good’.” Yes, quite. “And there was a rumour that the next Lord Mike was going to be a woman.” A female Lord Mike? How would that work? ”Um… they said something about political correctness… or maybe they didn’t, I can’t remember.” Steven pauses. “Is that your dog?” No. ”It’s just occurred to me that I don’t actually have a dog. Hmm… strange that.” Quite. ”I used to have a cat,” he remarks, “until I accidentally flooded the kitchen once. I don’t remember seeing him after that.”What’s a typical day in the life of Steven like? ”Well,” he pauses, “it usually starts quite early.” At midnight, I’d imagine, “no, not that early. Maybe it starts a bit after seven o’clock.” How much after seven? “About an hour.” I see… “Then after that, there’s the usual struggle to get dressed and have breakfast. The thing I like about being an adventurer is that no two days are the same.” Is today a typical day then? ”Um… well it’s different from yesterday, if that’s what you mean.” Hurriedly, I change the subject: If he was trapped on a desert island, what three things would he like with him? ”Oh, tricky,” he says, “maybe, a small but fully stocked branch of Tescos. A helicopter, and a five star hotel. I can rough it when I want.”Compiled by Eric Coleslaw fromThe Dailynesswww.dailyness.o-f.com

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Infinite Improbability Drive

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