h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi, I'm Dave,
A newer review person who really likes your entry. You seem to be the type that is fairly used to h2g2 already, and sound as if you have written a bit already.
However, there are a few things I'd like to point out before thinking about recommending. Actually, they are both the same thing, but in different parts of the paper.
The problem with writing a bit of this magnitude, is that, well, sometimes you have so much you want to say at one time, it comes out just a tad bit garbled.

>However, despite taking supplementary mathematics courses at >Bluefield College, when he went to Carnegie Technical College in >Pittsburgh he initially planned to major in chemical engineering, >with the intention of becoming, like his father, an electrical >engineer. After one term though he changed his major subject to >chemistry, since he disliked the dullness of courses such as >technical drawing. He then changed subjects again to mathematics, as >the chemistry didn't rate students on their ability to think or ?>learn facts, but on their co-ordination -

Well, perhaps garbled isn't the word. It's just that once you start using a certain amount of commas, it becomes time to split ideas into seperate sentances. If you drop a thing or two, and split up, that paragraph may read a bit more like this:

"Though John took supplementary mathematics courses while attending Bluefield College, he planned to major in chemical engineering upon matriculating to Carnegie Technical College in Pittsburgh. It was his intention to follow in his father's footsteps and become an electrical engineer. However, after one term he changed his major to chemistry, due to his dislike toward the dullness of courses such as technical drawing. He further changed subjects back to mathematics, as chemistry never rated students on their ability to think or learn facts, but on their co-ordination - "

I did take a few liberties in this, but it is a bit cleaner and easier to read. Commas are a wonderful part of English grammar but too many make things difficult to read, and require the reader to go over the paragrapha few times, for proper interpretation.

The other part I wanted to point out is along the same lines, there are two paragraphs. The first one can be cleared up just as easily as the first, the second one is slightly similar with an even better solution.

<It has been suggested that Nash's work on game theory was, while
< ingenious, merely expanding on the principles discovered by von >Neumann and others, while Nash's own innovative mathematical
> achievements are of greater importance. After his initial work on >game theory Nash tackled the most difficult problems he could find >in geometry and analysis.

>Thus pure mathematicians might propose as significant his later >works that proved "every smooth compact manifold can be realized as >a sheet of a real algebraic variety" in 1952, or "the highly anti->intuitive C1 isometric embedding theorem" in 1954, as well as his >work on the "fundamental existence, uniqueness, and continuity >theorems for partial differential equations." [all quotes from John >Milnor, John Nash and "A Beautiful Mind"] (note this is a pdf file)

Once again, excellent information is provided here, but the commas are killer, but not to the same degree as shown before. This first paragraph might look better like this

While Nash's work on game theory was ingenious, it has been suggested that this merely expanded on the principles discovered by von Neumann and others. Thus said, Nash's own innovative mathematical achievements are considered of greater importance. After his initial work on game theory Nash tackled the most difficult problems he could find in geometry and analysis.

As said, a simple matter of moving some seemingly unimportant words around results in a clean paragraph. This last one is a bit more tricky. The problem here is that a lot of quotes from Milnor relating to different dates, all in one sentence, said sentence being the only one in the paragraph. For one thing, you never want a paragraph with less than 3 sentances, except in rare cases. Secondly, it makes it a bit frustrated for anyone except the dedicated reader to pick apart all of the quotes and dates. Instead of commas and conjunctions, try bullets. No, don't shoot the computer, or me for that matter, please, I'm only trying to help. Use Guide ML bullets. I'm not exactly certain if GuideML provides bullets, but if not, dashes will do. See below.

<Thus pure mathematicians might propose as significant his later <works
Please do not take offense, but due to the writings of the previous paragraph, the beginning of this sentence is redundant. You already stated that his own works were done after his expansion on the game theory.

See further
Included in these works were

-"...a sheet of a real algebraic variety" in 1952,

-"The highly anti-intuitive C1 isometric embedding theorem" in 1954,

-"Fundamental existence, uniqueness, and continuity theorems for
partial differential equations."(Add date here)

This last part can be added as a footnote at any point here you deem neccesary.

I know it's a lot, but it may help speed up the process through the Sub-Editor area, and take your peice to stardom more quickly. I know these changes can help your entry greatly and hope to see it recommended sometime soon.
Dave

Sorry, in the end I mentioned the last part being put into a footnote, I was referring to your credit for the author of those quotes. Said credit and the pdf alert can be footnoted.
Dave

Thanks TM for the time you spent not just spotting the dull spots, but also suggesting how to polish them up.

I'll try and use all your suggestions, or at least tackle the poorly phrased bits.

For your information every entry in PR has a special conversation thread for PR comments - you can get to it by clicking on the PR bit of the phrase 'Currently in Peer Review' at the top of the entry.

Pimms

Done Not all quite as you suggested, but I hope you like it better now.

This is a link to the PR thread: F48874?thread=298926&post=3836011#p3836011

Pimms