Transmission from Mubua, received at GCHQ on Tuesday 1st April 2003.

It has come to our attention that a Mubuan has infiltrated your society, posing as an accountant called Graham. It cannot be stressed enough how unhinged and dangerous this man is. Over 5000 years ago he ran for President on our planet, against the person you know as Jehovah. The vote was tight and he lost... or won... well, we’re not really sure. The result was an exact 50-50 split between the two and Jehovah only got the Presidency because he had the better lawyers.

As revenge, the being now known as Graham tried to kill the President by putting a bomb in a cheese sandwich. Thankfully, Jehovah liked ham, but unfortunately his dog Bonnie preferred cheese. At Bonnie’s funeral, Graham made another attempt on the President’s life by placing high-powered explosives on the two mourners in the last row¹. The bomb wasn’t timed correctly and fortunately exploded during another funeral.

When the President’s time in office came to an end, it was considered too dangerous for him to stay on the planet. Earth was presented to Jehovah as a retirement present and he was protected by the Official Secrets Act to stop Graham from finding out.

Jehovah has been quite happily running your planet for the past 5000 years. However, under the 5000-year rule, the Official Secret was revealed to the Mubuans around 40 years ago and Jehovah’s whereabouts were disclosed. Some people bear grudges, and Graham has borne the longest. He travelled to Earth, started a business as an accountant and has been plotting Jehovah’s death ever since.

You must capture this Mubuan and return him.

End Transmission.

Additional. If you could send us the latest episode of Eastenders, it would be much appreciated.