Well, somebody's got to write about it

OK, I confess - I enjoy watching Eurovision. Partly because I'm a huge

Terry Wogan fan, partly because there's nothing else on TV on Saturday

nights but mostly because I pride myself of being able to see something

good in virtually all musical performances¹. I

do have a background in music journalism, and I have been generally

praised for being able to give an impartial review to even the lamest of

bands².

But don't get me wrong - I genuinely believe that some good music has

(admittedly, sporadically) come out of Eurovision. By no means am I an

Abba fan, but you'd have to be stone cold not to enjoy 'Waterloo'. 'Making

Your Mind Up' had an even better buzz to it, not to mention Cheryl Baker's

legs. More recently, Russia (who do, admittedly, take the whole thing a

bit too seriously) had a damn fine entry a couple of years back with a

band who were using Space as role models (and who, as is the fate of all

good artists, failed to accrue many points). My heart goes out, though

(and I'm hoping someone can fill in the details for me), to the German

band I saw on my first ever Eurovision back in the late 1980s, who played

a brilliant cheese-metal song about the Brandenburg Gate. Anyone who

remembers them, please get in touch.

A few general observations, before I relate to you my happy evening in

front of the box. I know these aren't startling original revelations, but

it seems to me - on the basis of this year's competition - that there are

four key aspects to becoming a successful Eurovision candidate:

• The ability to be completely upstaged by one's backing singers.
• A wanton desire to take clothes off.
• The 'cheesy' modulation - an inspired shift to the supertonic for the
  
  last chorus. Or for those less musically inclined - the bit where it goes
  
  'up' at the end.
• A willingness to translate the second half of your song into English
  
  so that Brits can understand it.

So - here goes nothing - this is what I thought of all 26 entries. I am

refraining from mentioning most of the artists and song titles - largely

because no-one remembers them, and partly because I'm too idle to look

them up:

Iceland

An inspiring start, I thought. Iceland's Mel C lookalike suffered badly

from nerves at the beginning, but got well into her MOR rock - complete

with lunatic guitarist and invisible cello quartet - and by the end I had

high hopes for the competition.

Austria

Well, words fail me. What can only be described as a in a beret, doing an old Bernard Cribbins number which

occasionally ceded to a Metallica-esque heavy guitar riff. All this

surrounded by assorted models of wild animals and accompanied by

random-limb-threshing dancing. Frankly, Eurovision doesn't come much

better than this.

Ireland

Well, if this wasn't written by an ex-member of Boyzone, I'll eat my

hat. A pretty boy with a horrible green guitar that even Buddy Holly would

think was disappointingly retro was backed up by three leggy lovelies who

looked as if they hadn't quite put their dresses on straight. Our first

example of the night of the cheesy modulation cropped up near the end.

Pretty dire, really.

Turkey

Oh aye? This is a bit kinky. Plenty of navel on display as a woman

wearing a huge pink cape, making her look like a very small tent, gets

groped for three minutes by a bunch of belly-dancing lovelies to a trancy

Middle-Eastern ghetto beat. Ambitious and with plenty of lesbian bondage

symbolism. I had to get up and fetch a beer to cool off...

Malta

...and I was quite glad that I did. Malta's entry appeared to be the

woman with the world's largest mouth. A face like Julia Roberts - singing

some terrible country-tinged ballad. This was never going to get many

votes.

Bosnia

Very cool indeed. Obviously Bosnia's answer to S Club - six assorted

men and women singing a song that Mousse T and the 'Sexbomb' producers

might be wishing to conduct a legal investigation into. Never mind that,

there was some wonderful squidgy Yamaha synth-bass, a very tasty guitar

solo, and some male backing singers who did nothing but stand on the edges

with their arms folded, looking like bouncers who had been shoved onto the

stage by accident. AND the cheesy modulation turned up not once, but twice

- full marks for wringing out a cliché.

Portugal

A fairly dire Olympic-Games-Opening-Ceremony ballad. It inspired the

singer to wave her arms about, but obviously no-one else felt similarly

inclined. I'm sure she believes that children are our future, though.

Croatia

Croatia's version of Britney - long legs, big lungs (well I think

that's what they were). Drowned out consistently by her backing band

singing something that sounds familiarly like a Destiny's Child song.

Looks like one of their dance routines, too.

Cyprus

Hmmm...Mediterranean greaseball, white suit, funky Latino number,

dearth of Spanish guitar. Ricky Martin will be on the phone tomorrow, I'm

sure. The best bit, in fact, was the male backing singer who succeeded in

looking utterly lost throughout the entire song.

Germany

The German's had evidently selected their scariest woman for this

year³ In fact, she may even have been the token transsexual -

I hadn't spotted one yet. Anyway, she sang this truly terrible number

which sounded like a disco song that had been turned down by Olivia

Newton-John and had the most abysmal lyrics ever set to music⁴. "Let's get

happy and let's be friends/For tomorrow never never ends/Let's be happy

and let's be gay..." Looks like you started years ago, love.

Russia

A-ha! The moment we had all been waiting for. Having had our

lesbian-curiosity urges aroused by Turkey's entry, here were the already

controversial t.A.T.u (I think that's the correct spelling), and some more

woman-on-woman action seemed likely. Sadly, if there was any, I missed it

because I spent my entire time wetting myself laughing at the backing band

who obviously thought they were at an AC/DC concert. The song itself was

disappointingly weak, certainly not up to the standard of the duo's recent

single releases.

Spain

A lovely young lady, bearing more than a passing resemblance to Kylie,

did yet another Latino-disco number. Again, the entertainment was mostly

afforded by the backing singers, who featured more teeth between them than

Jaws I, II and part III in 3D combined.

Israel

Yet again, I failed to pay much attention to the singer or the song; my

attention was understandably diverted by the school-uniform clad ladies

who took the opportunity of every chorus bridge to strip down to their

skimpies. I'm sure Moses would have something to say about it.

Holland

Blonde piece with enormous cleavage - I wouldn't expect anything less

from the Netherlands. She sung an inoffensive Euro-pop number with an

insistently catchy hook, and I couldn't help but enjoy it. Featuring a

great mixed-bag of apparently 'themed' backing singers, including

'unemployed DJ', 'over-cool Mum', 'jolly fat gospel woman', and 'tasty

aerobic instructor'.

United Kingdom

When some dork trotted onto the stage with half of Fort Knox dangling

from his belt, I thought we'd probably be in a bit of trouble. Sure

enough, Scotland's white answer to Shaft turned in a woeful performance,

and despite the amount of leg on display, the short n'scary backing singer

who was trying to swallow the microphone, and the slightly-more-original

subdominant modulation, this was irredeemably poor.

Ukraine

Now this is more like it! Ukraine's first bash at Eurovision, and

they've obviously got just the right idea. A fellow who looked like

nothing more than Mike Flower's idiot younger brother sang an absolutely

asinine song about flying into space while a woman in a turquoise leotard

did handstands. I kid you not. Trouble was, it was absolutely brilliant.

The phrase 'Hasta la Vista' has not been more brilliantly used since Arnie

did it. And they put in the cheesy modulation for good measure.

Greece

The kinky Europeans were out in force tonight. Greece's entry, wearing

a cross at her throat and a lace-up-front PVC bodice obviously subscribed

to the Maxim of 'Cher and Cher alike'. Unfortunately, she couldn't sing

even half as well as Mrs. Bono, and appeared to have stolen Bryan Adams'

lyric book. Shame, because the backing band were extremely professional

and turned in the best guitar solo of the night.

Norway

An engaging young chap with the worst haircut since Kevin Keegan cut of

his perm, sat at his piano and belted out a cracking little Robbie-esque

ballad. The vocals were ambitious, but he carried them off well. An

impressive attempt at a grown-up Eurovision song.

France

Somewhat bizarrely, France managed to produce someone who sounded just

like Bonnie Tyler, who is of course Welsh. An extremely unremarkable

waffly ballad was a whole lot less interesting than the drummer, who

looked like an escaped pro-wrestler.

Poland

A chap with ludicrous red hair, dressed in his best Keanu Reeves Matrix

coat walk down the step to fondle the world's most miserable looking

woman. She was dressed entirely in white which was allegedly supposed to

represent virginity. Frankly, I'm not surprised - I wouldn't sleep with

her if she didn't cheer up a bit. The song itself wasn't too bad - a big

stadium singalong peace anthem, which wasn't made all that convincing by

the fella's pretensions towards a husky soul voice. Or maybe he had a

cold, I don't know.

Latvia

Obviously, three rejects from the Latvian equivalent of Blue Peter. Two

men, one woman. One of the blokes sings like Michael Crawford. Not Michael

Crawford in 'Phantom of the Opera', mind you. No, this guy sounds like

Frank Spencer. Seriously. The other one reminds me strongly of Ant

McPartlin on dope. God knows how the woman kept a straight face through

the whole thing. The number, again, wasn't at all bad - uptempo, dancy,

sounded like an Elton John duet.

Belgium

This was clearly inspired by the Corrs, only they made the fatal

mistake of - instead of letting two lithe, dusky young Irish women sing it

- letting the band be fronted by two middle-aged, chubby Belgian women. A

brilliant dance routine involved keeping the body stock-still and shadow

boxing in slow motion. Still, it was nice to see those traditional

Eurovision instrument - the bagpipes and the accordion - finally make an

appearance.

Estonia

The title was promising - 80s Coming Back - and was borne out by the

stage dress: hideous shirt-and-tie combinations through the ages. No doubt

Trini and whats-her-name thought this band looked very smart. Having said

that, the music was brilliant. Proto britpop - a bit of Boomtown Rate

meeting a bit of Housemartins, given full gusto by the lead singer, and

featuring a corking piano solo. This was very fine indeed.

Romania

She looked like Carol Smilie - and sounded like her, too, as those that

have ever seen that karaoke outtake will be aware. The backing group took

the award for 'Most Ridiculous of the night' featuring, as far as I can

make out: a ballerina who kept taking clothes off, a breakdancer who spent

long periods in lethargy, and a DJ playing outsize polystyrene-foam

records. You probably had to be there to understand its true significance.

The song itself withstood the poor vocals to show up as good old-fashioned

A-Ha style 80s dance.

Sweden

Well, what a surprise. It sounded like Abba. Again. Big chunky vocals,

huge bashing piano riffs. All very mediocre, really. The lead singer was

stunningly attractive, though, which just about made up for it.

Slovenia

Another poor vocalist, with a nice song of the kind done by Debbie

Harry after she left Blondie. Finished the night with a flourish and yet

another cheesy modulation, despite apparently wearing a surgical support

bedecked with dahlias.

So then there was the voting. I won't go through it step-by-step,

because it's all terribly political and the winner comes down to who has

been least offensive or garnered the most sympathy over the past year.

Turkey won it, presumably because of earthquake-induced sympathy. UK

failed to poll a single vote, presumably because we're all now a nation of

American-loving Iraqi-killers. Needless to say, Greece gave Cyprus 12

points, France gave Belgium 12 points, and all the Baltic states all gave

Russia 12. Austria made an early charge up the table and gave Terry (who

was disappointingly low-key, I felt) an apopletic fit.

In the view of someone who credits himself with knowing a little bit

about music, however, my votes for Eurovision Song 2003 go out as

follows:

• Romania - one point (la Roumanie - un point)
• Turkey - two points (le Turquie - deux points)
• Ukraine - three points (l'Ukraine - trois points)
• Russia - four points (la Russie - quatre points)
• Netherlands - five points (le Pays-Bas - cinq points)
• Austria - six points (l'Autriche - six points)
• Iceland - seven points (l'Islande - sept points)
• Norway - eight points (le Norvège - huit points)
• Bosnia-Herzegovina - ten points (la Bosnie-Herzégovine - dix
  
  points)
• Estonia - twelve points (l'Estonie - douze points)

With a resounding no points for the truly terrible song from Germany

(l'Allemagne - nul points).

Mu Beta Does (For) Eurovision Archive

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