Next To The Custard
Created | Updated Apr 23, 2003
The invasion of the city of No Man's Land was the first major engagement of the war.
Many hundreds died.
The following accounts are taken from historical records.
Episode Eighteen – Regular Passings
Business had been poor in No Man's Land since the riots. Property had been damaged,
visiting numbers went down, many surviving residents had fled, and Kingdom nobles had already
been in to collect their final incomes and terminate contracts. Even the blind could see the city
was doomed.
Silomeniteda had been owner of a tavern near the stadium. Bemoaning his misfortunes he had
chosen this day to go for a walk in the plains to the west of the city. He was the first to see
the army.
Twenty arrows sailed the air from the leading rank of cavalry. Four hit him in the back and
legs. He stumbled and fell. He heard the rumbling of hooves, and then a voice.
'Yer all pay the price in th' end. Ev'ry last one o' yer.'
After riding for three days, Arbus iw Canica was eager to fight. It was this trait, rather
more than his actual skill, which had lead him to be hand-picked for the lead cavalry unit.
When the first peasant was sighted and killed, Arbus had spat and urged his steed forward,
ahead of the others. Arrows cost money. He would kill cleanly and cheaply, with his family
sabre.
He was first to enter the high street. Expertly he guided his horse between carts and
passers-by. Several blocks in, several guards saw him and shouted orders to stop. Arbus
relished the look on their faces as they saw the dozens of riders who followed, swords drawn,
arrows flying. Then he arced his sword down and spilled their intestines.
Ahead he saw more guardsmen, looking up at the commotion, and were stunned. A little way
past them a fat man in leather leggings and a vest exited an inn and looked up at him. This one
did not hesitate. He raised his crossbow and fired.
Arbus pitched from his horse. He reached to his head and felt the feathers on the end of the
bolt which was stuck in his skull. Then he blacked out mercifully.
Guardsman Ricataca gu Hildar recovered first, and approached the crossbowman. 'Verily,
Rudomal, thou hast saved our lives from the first assailant, but it seemeth me thou dost lack
bolts to slay all of them.'
'Yer talkin' too much, Ricataca, get off th' road!' said the fat man, pulling him back into the
inn. Ricataca's companion guard followed, and they barred the door. Moments later horses
began to stream past the doorway. 'I think the fightin's finally started,' he observed.
'Mine observations of the cavalry forces concur with thy opinions. I wouldst presume to
estimate several Companies of Kingdom riders.'
''Ow many?' asked Rudomaliteri.
'At least four,' said the second guardsman, the plainer speaker of the two. 'If mine eyesight
and arithmetic are in working order I can count twenty flags from this position. Each company
carries five, one per Quarter and one for the whole.'
'I 'ope that's all, but I doubt it,' muttered Rudomaliteri. 'I'm guessin' you two are s'posed
to be defendin' the council buildin's?'
'Your statement is indeed true, our procedures are most clear upon this point,' said
Ricataca. 'I had however held hopes that No Man's Land wouldst not be a target for attack,
since it is populated by many of either country.'
'S'a bit pointless debatin' it all now. Yer'd best be off. Keep speakin' with yer Kingdom
speech, they'll hopefully keep yer alive longer. I'll be stayin' put here, defendin' me hoard.
Yer knows how low the levels of rice puddin' are about here, since Anilomes blew. Not got much
left. I'll cook some fer yer, if we live, and yer can come by again.'
'Thine offer is most gratefully appreciated, Rudomal,' said Ricataca. 'It is mine sincere
hope that I might share a meal with you soon. But duty dost call, and its call is most urgent.
Until later, mine friend,' he said, as he and his companion left the inn in a lull in the stream of
cavalry.
They heard the door barred behind them and were then killed by the Kingdom infantry, who
were naturally in pursuit of their lords.
Councillor Rech ar Nemidir watched the incoming army in fear. They were being totally
undiscriminating as they invaded and killed.
The other councillor, elected by the Aisorbmii of this experimental city, entered the high
office. Helofumibola was dressed in his armour, and wearing his sword, just as Rech was, and
looked just as rushed in his dressing as Rech suspected he did.
'It seemeth me our employments wilt soon be concluding,' said Rech.
'Mine, certainly. There's no escapin' here. I don' know about yer employment though. They
might let yer live.'
'Thine friendship hast been most valuable to me, Helofum.'
'Much appreciated, old friend. I've enjoyed me time here too. But all good things must come
to an end.' He drew his sword and advanced.
'What dost thou believe thou art doing?' asked Rech.
'I can't escape, but I can't betray me country either. Yer know too much about the
geography of me country, Rech. Me servants are already burnin' any records yer have. Just'
leaves you.'
'I didst not foresee this,' said Rech, and he drew his sword and charged.
Helofumibola side-stepped and parried, then turned and lunged. Rech, despite his age, was
quick enough to anticipate this and dodge, and he brought his blade back to ready stance as
Helofumibola attacked. Several blows were launched, all of which Rech moved to parry, all of
which moved aside and then slapped against his blade, beating it aside.
Rech fought to contain his anger, for an angry swordsman would act rashly and lose more
quickly, but the Aisorbmian blade was faster than his and he knew he was only reacting to his
opponent's blade. Desperately he lunged, but Helofumibola parried.
Rech reached to his neck and touched his own blood. He realised the Aisorbmian had killed
him before parrying. It was a desperate manoeuvre, but Rech had accepted Helofumibola had
no choice but to try. He watched as his old friend picked up Rech's blade and impaled himself
with it, thereby providing Rech with honour while avoiding the otherwise inevitable
torture.
They both saluted, and collapsed, and died before the invaders entered the office.
Cirolaminana stood in the building opposite the council offices as the Kingdom general,
Reglan ar Crestis, entered with his elite. He pointed at the man. 'That's him,' he said. The other
Rangers nodded. They all left the room, leaving no trace of their visit.
The young man Telis de Telis straightened his red cloak, patted down his blue tunic and
knocked upon the door of the Councillor's Office. When he was admitted, he found that
Commander Reglan ar Crestis was sitting in the Kingdom Councillor's chair, and that the other
had already been thrown out the window. There was blood on the floor. He was smiling; Telis
guessed this was because the invasion had been as swift as he'd told all the riders it would be.
He was a student of history, and had been surprised at the tactic; most historical Kingdom
battles involved a lot of time spent manoeuvring and planning, and often came down to battles
of attrition. There were usually many casualties. Not here. Telis wondered whether Reglan
would be praised for such flouting of tradition.
'Thou hast a message for me, young sir?' asked Reglan, not unkindly. Telis nodded. 'Then I
pray thou tellst it to me, for mine time is limited.'
'Our communicating psychics report this message, Commander. Lord General Manus iw Elbirt
sends most hearty congratulations of thine speedy success, Commander Reglan,' said the boy.
'It ist his wish that he be informed of thine estimate for entering the lands of the
Aisorbmii.'
'Very good. Thou shalt relay the following message to the psychic. Mine estimate shalt be
decided upon the next meeting with mine company leaders, who art at this time scouring the city
for traitors. It dost not seemeth premature for thine army to invade in the south. We shalt
meet and have dinner in the Aisorbmii City of Elders as agreed.'
'Shalt that be all, Commander?' asked Telis.
'It shall, messenger. Relay it speedily,' said Reglan.
Telis bowed deeply, and left the room. There were three sets of stairs to descend before he
could leave the building, and he managed to descend one of them. At that point he was grabbed,
arms, legs and mouth, and dragged silently to a small room where he was stripped of his clothing
and killed.
Cirolaminana was the closest fit to the dead messenger's clothing, so he put it on, all except
for the cloak. The others moved carefully through the passageways not even their chosen
Councillor had known about.
The next knock on Commander Reglan's door came ten minutes later, disturbing his ingestion
of warm rice pudding, prepared by his own cook. He gestured for one of his men to open the
door. The messenger wore a black cloak and a blue tunic, and was therefore of the Company
belonging to his Senior Lieutenant, Samot fre Palin.
'I bring a report from the southern quarter,' said the messenger. 'Mine leader states he is
making swift progress, but he wished to inform your commandership that he hast made a curious
discovery.'
'What details dost thou have for me?' asked Reglan, intrigued.
'We wert aware that the supplies of rice pudding in this place might be low, due to the
destruction of the factory at Anilomes,' said the messenger. 'We did not anticipate some form
of substitute being distributed in the streets. It is a yellow pudding, always served hot, which
is being distributed in similarly coloured tins, Commander. Mine leader wouldst request thine
consideration of this mystery.'
'Interesting,' said Reglan. 'I must confess mine ignorance of such a pudding. I shalt come
with thou, and investigate.' He stood, and two of the soldiers moved to the door. He and the
messenger would walk between, with the remaining two guards behind. They left the office.
Men in green cloaks suddenly appeared before them, and stabbed the lead soldiers. Quickly
Reglan drew the messenger with him back into the office. There were grunts and shouts then,
too, and he turned to see another two green-cloaked men with crossbows moving out of a space
in the wall.
His messenger struck him, and internally he applauded the Aisorbmii's swift counter-tactics
before returning the blow. He drew his sword, keeping the messenger between him and the
green-cloaks, moving back towards the other exit. There was a whistle, and he shouted, as a
bolt appeared in his left arm, which was in the customary fencing position in the air behind his
head, and easily visible.
He was not going to give in, however. He lunged, impaling the messenger, who fell. One of the
crossbowmen growled and fired.
The Commander died there and then.
Cirolaminana grunted. 'I told yer he was meant to stay alive, Dunofet. We needed to
question 'im!'
'Sorry, Cirolam,' said the guilty crossbowman.
'Stay still, Cirolam,' said one of the other Rangers. 'We'll sort it. There's still a way ter
get information from him.' He turned to Dunofetilipe. 'Be useful. Get ter a psychic, get
Kadocasitari summoned ter the City of Elders.' The Ranger disappeared at once into the
tunnels.
'We'll still 'ave to carry his body back, tho,' said the Ranger. 'Difficult, but it'll 'ave ter
be done now.'
'He... he won't struggle as much,' said Cirolaminana, rapidly aware he had moments left.
'Get out of here,' he told them. 'Go, now. I want to die alone.'
Rudomalitari lasted only a few minutes, when twenty soldiers finally broke past the bar in
the inn. His hoard lasted perhaps an hour or so, since rice pudding supplies were very low. But
the Rangers did escape to Aisorbmii lands.
No Man's Land was the first city to fall in the war, and would not be the last. Reglan's
death gave the Aisorbmii more time to prepare their desperately untrained troops for
battle.
What remains to be seen is how much use he was to the Aisorbmii as a corpse. Our account
of Reglan contains no details of his battle plans, nor when he planned to dine with the Lord
General.
Such is the way with research. No one source has all the answers to our queries. All I can do
is assure you that that will change in due time.
But until then, the war continues...
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