The Hootoo Home of Today

3 Conversations

The Hootoo Home of Today by Asteroid Lil

'Thanks awfully, old fruit!'

The above is actually a true transcript of the closing remarks of a conversation I had earlier today with someone via an instant messaging service. I do realise that we may be in a minority in speaking this way. (Actually, I can only think of one other person I know who does; strangely enough, that person also happens to contribute to smiley - thepost...)

Therefore, in a somewhat desperate attempt to find inspiration for this week's dispatches I decided to throw in rather more than the accustomed amount of spiffing old words; 'By George!' I thought to myself; 'That will sort out the duffers from the chumps eh what!'

Hurrah! Jolly good clean fun, however first I have to ascertain the departure time of the next charabanc into town and possibly even make a trunk call. Half a minute, I shall be back in a jiffy!

Splendid, a rendezvous with my physician has been arranged, since I appear to be suffering from galloping consumption, or possibly a severe case of hypochondria; at any rate my sputum resembles recipe number 4 in Hon WT(Cocktail) Boothby's delightful Absinthe Mixtures.

And the name of the star is called WORMWOOD; and the third part of the waters became WORMWOOD; and many men died of the waters, because they were made bitter.

Revelation viii:2 (Nouveau Testament Francais)

Absinthe Drip (French Style)

Into a highball or punch-glass place a lump of ice, a pony of absinthe and a flavor of either gum, orgeat or anisette (whichever the patron prefers); then fill an absinthe strainer with cracked ice and water, and hold it high above the glass containing the absinthe, allowing it to drip until the glass is full; then stir well and serve.

ahem, *discreet cough*

Don't try this one at home, boys and girls, since absinthe has been a totally illegal beverage for quite some time in every civilised country, with perfectly good reason. However, now you come to mention it, there is this little bar I happen to know...

There are, in fact, 13 absinthe recipes in this delightful section, including 'Californian style', 'A Parisian Fad' and 'A Nice Way'; the latter reminds me of a well known supermarket chain, Safeway. I wandered lonely as a cloud on many occasions down their sceptred aisles pondering whether an Unsafeway might perchance be a more entertaining method of procuring one's victuals.

Dash it all, I seem to have misplaced my trusty tome Enid Blyton's Book of the Year; I do find Enid to be such a source of moral guidance; her motto for this week being a shining example to us all:

Be strong and play the man!

Er, yes, my thoughts entirely (are you listening Serephina?)

But I digress,I think, let us return to 'old fruits'; aha...
Mulberry, Persimmon and Quince; these conjure up a delightful image of the next big girlie group.

Mulberries are not often procurable in these days , but are an old-fashioned fruit and very palatable.

Scrumptious! However, quinces seem to be only fit for wine and may suffer cruel and unusual punishment in the process:

When the quinces are strained they should be wrung hard in a coarse cloth.

Well, if they weren't feeling strained before, they will be after that treatment!

Persimmons appear to be a lot of hard work, requiring gallons of liquid manure for their cultivation, which rather put me off.
However, in a nearby section of The Home of Today I did find the following, which I feel is excellent general advice if one is faced with the prospect of inspecting not 'Old fruits' but 'Old ****'
(Yes, dear reader, it's a little game! Tee-hee and all that!)

To choose ****
  1. The flesh should be firm and plump, close-grained and rigid, and the **** of moderate size.
  2. If sunken and dull, you may be sure the **** is stale, even though the flesh is rigid owing to ice-storage.
  3. The smell should be sweet and pleasant. As stale **** is very dangerous to health, it is very important to watch for these points when buying.

Did you guess? Well, here's a clue then; it may sound rather like a firm of geriatric solicitors!

Halibut, Turbot, Brill, Smelt, and Dab.

I'm sure you have deduced my little ruse now; but just in case; this is the last clue I'm giving you:

With a lobster, a limp tail is a sign of staleness

The Hootoo Home of Today Archive

Terri & Yoda

08.11.10 Front Page

24.04.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page

Bookmark on your Personal Space



Infinite Improbability Drive

Infinite Improbability Drive

Read a random Edited Entry

Written by



h2g2 is created by h2g2's users, who are members of the public. The views expressed are theirs and unless specifically stated are not those of the Not Panicking Ltd. Unlike Edited Entries, Entries have not been checked by an Editor. If you consider any Entry to be in breach of the site's House Rules, please register a complaint. For any other comments, please visit the Feedback page.

Write an Entry

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."

Write an entry
Read more