The Edge
Created | Updated Apr 16, 2003
Part Six
As Lorgnette left the small dark office, dark due to the fact they couldn’t pay the electricity bill, she checked her handbag for the pepper spray she usually kept about her person. Not there.
That’s strange, she thought, I must have left it on my desk. Oh well, I’ll get it tomorrow. If Lorgnette had looked up at this particular time she would have seen a camera retracting back into the ceiling and, if she had turned up her hearing aid a fraction she would have heard a deep voice saying, ‘Bring in the girl.’ It’s strange the things you miss in life.
As Lorgnette walked along the dark, damp alley way leading to her small, yet cosy, flat, a cold voice inquired, ‘Excuse me, do you know the way to the hospital?’ Just as Lorgnette turned round to answer she fell to the floor as an inconveniently placed hand hit her across the neck.
As Lorgnette regained consciousness, she noticed she was not in the same place were she had lost consciousness. She was, in fact, in a completely different place. Lorgnette also noticed that she was suspended five feet above ground level in a small, largely unlit room, with a piece of rope wrapped around her mouth.
Okay, she thought, first things first. Where the hell am I? She looked around. Well, it’s definitely not a hospital. Hospitals don’t have corpses hanging from the walls. Well, apart from the ones in Newcastle.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a smallish man, who – being no taller then five foot four inches and blessed with a lot of muscle - looked like a person out of a fairground hall of mirrors.
‘Why, Mrs Hang, you’re awake,’ stated an foreign, unfamiliar voice.
'Wghph?' replied Lorgnette’s voice.
'Oh, sorry.' Lorgnette heard the sound of fingers clicking and the rope was removed from around her mouth.
'Thanks.' Lorgnette said, relieved that they hadn’t tried to kill her. 'Where am I? And what do you want?'
'You are in a starship. The ZZZ Boredom. A unique ship, in that it was the first to successfully achieve the speed of Boredom. Hence its name.'
'What’s the speed of Boredom?' asked Lorgnette, wriggling uncontrollably as she tried to stop her underwear going any further up into places even her boyfriend hadn’t been.
'Let me tell you a little story. Back in the days when war was considered natural on your planet - I believe you called it the 20th Century? - our scientists, on the planet Stibrol, discovered a phenomenon known as Boredom Physics. The idea was simple, boredom is the fastest thing in the universe. It travels faster then both sound and light. Our ideas were formulated when we noticed how quickly people were bored whilst watching sessions of parliament. Boredom is, on average, thirty-eight times faster than light.
'This ship is stocked with 12,615 government sessions from different time periods and planets and we also have UN meetings from your planet. They are all individually categorized, from ‘light travel’ to ‘emergency1.’ Each one lets us travel at different speeds from minimum, thirty eight times faster then light through to one hundred and seventy five faster then light. Impressive, huh?'
'No. Who picked the colour scheme?' There was a small window at the top of the cell which lit a small section of the room. Something told her that Changing Rooms had been round and this room would very soon feature on Auntie’s Bloomers.
'I did. Why, is there something wrong with it?'
Lorgnette studied the muscular form of the man, then realised that stating her disgust at the purple and dark green monstrosity of a room he had created would not be to her advantage. 'No, no, it’s lovely. I love what you’ve done with the crocodile skin. Very chic. Very stylish. It really works as wallpaper, you know.' Psycho.
'Good. Sorry we had to beat you senseless, but we enjoyed it.'
'Thanks, I’ve always fancied bruises. Always looks so feminine.'
'Quite. Follow me,' the stranger said as he walked through a previously invisible door.
Lorgnette rubbed her neck, got up, re-arranged her underwear and followed him.
