h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A Limerick's witty,
A Clerihew's pretty,
A Sonnet by Shakespeare is fine.
Don't bother with these lines of mine -
This Rimickle's sh****!

What madness
old badness
is herewith created
within these lines stated
I fill up with sadness

Apologies if this appears twice, but I clicked on the unsubscribe button by mistake. Just in case the following rimiculous gem should be lost in cybersapce, here it is, possibly again:

Pick up a racquet
Toss ball and whack it
In tennis that's hardly beginning.
Against any hope of my winning
The odds are well stacket!

This post has been removed.

Dear, oh dear
deep hurt, I fear
please don't make it a feature
with this misguided creature
with vision not clear

Another Clerickle.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

Saddam Hussein
Is incredibly vain,
His picture's all over Iraq.
But faced with a focussed attack
He's vanished again.

A few days in Kerry
Have made me feel merry
With pastimes both outdoor and pub-ish;
While there I wrote all of this rubbish:
You're welcome, and very.

Leonardo da Vinci
Found hard puzzles cinchy
Excelling in science and art;
Though Mona could not win his heart
At least she tried, di'nt she?

Said Lego to Gimli
"If I climb up nimbly
And look out, will you watch my back?"
"I'll keep a sharp eye up the crack"
The dwarf replied grimly.

In Rhodes the Colossus
Grew lichens and mosses
All over his shoulders and hair;
'Twas droppings from birds of the air
That started the process.

When Medusa the Gorgon
Performed on the organ
She bored every audience stiff
Consisistently; it was as if
The conclusion was foregone.

Osama bin Laden
Said "If I can madden
George W, he might attack
That ba'athard that's running Iraq"
Oh he was a bad 'un.

The Gilgamesh legend
Was partly imagined
And partly recorded as history;
Of tall tales to justify mystery
It's the thin wedge-end.

The Pharaoh at Cairo
Was writing in biro
And cried "To explain this I lack words!
My symbols are coming out backwards--
Glyphics before hiero!"

The Prophet Mahomet
While watching a comet
Proceeding across the night sky
Regretted that he couldn't fly
Like Wallace and Gromit.

The Mayor of Granada
Was climbing a ladder
Attempting to take the Alhambra;
Despairing, he muttered "Caramba!
This needs an armada."

It shouldn't be taken
For gospel, I'm making
No claim I would swear to in court
But Chu Hon Fat here says he's bought
Some best flying bacon.

The name is James Bond
I'm blasé but fond
Of cars, weapons, vodka and schemin'
To shoot foreign men, shag some women
And smartly abscond.

The sun rose in fire,
Grew hotter and higher
To dominate all at its noon,
Then rode to its setting-place; soon
The day will expire.

As I lay in bed
It entered my head
That I should keep open my eyes, as
The world can be full of surprises;
I closed them instead.

Hotel Canterbury:
Our waiters are very
Well-spoken; the fare that they dish up,
Though simple, is fit for a bishop--
Dry bread and sweet sherry.

In Caroline Britain
Soft ditties were written
To praise Charles the First to the skies
But with rolling of puritan eyes
The monarch was smitten.

The young William Lawes
Earned respect and applause
By playing his violl with passion;
When monarchy went out of fashion
He died in the cause.

The young Colin Powell
Was wearing a towel
While gardening, to cover his nudity;
It slipped--the bystanders who viewed it he
Hit with his trowel.

King Arthur, whose knights
Were always in fights
Over precedence, made a round table
Despite which he still wasn't able
To put them to rights.

When you're in a boat
Take care not to gloat
Over jellyfish, molluscs or fishes.
The gods hear; you need their good wishes
To keep you afloat.

I told my friend Bradley
"I notice how badly
Your wife treats you when we're together;
She even blames you for the weather--
She must love you madly."

NEUROTHEOLOGY

Neurotheology,
A type of biology,
Says brain waves cause philosophy.
That's not a mere epistrophe,
But a tautology.

RAIN STOPPED WORK

I should be out mowing
The lawn, not here growing
My addiction to writing on hootoo.
But it's raining now, really much too too
Wet to be out. I'm not going.

OUT CAME THE SUN AND DRIED UP ALL THE RAIN

The lawn is now mown
( How long it had grown!)
And my conscience is clean as a whistle.
I punctured my thumb on a thistle,
No reason to moan.

reminds me of a T.V. programme of yesteryear-
'Never mind the quality - feel the width' (puts
fingers in ears and waits for the bang)

Sorry, me last rimickle was written in haste, having had to drag meself away to cook the supper. I hadn't spotted the weak final rhyme repeating "mown/moan."

Re-write:

The lawn is now mown
(How long it had grown,)
My conscience is clean as a whistle.
I punctured my thumb on a thistle -
I'm accident-prone.

And it's a true story. One must try to keep the doggerel up to scratch. I feel I owe it to Recumbentman, the creator of this verse-form.

The impulse to chat
Is stronger than that
To tidy the room of your bedstead
So let us just chat right ahead, said
The cat in the hat

Hootoo addiction
's a major affliction
and leads one to procrastination.
Succumbing to hootoo's temptation
is sure to cause friction.

Ken Doherty's name
Sets Dublin aflame
As he knocks them in frame after frame
John Higgins is left looking lame
More power to your game!

Ken Doherty's luck
Was almost unstuck
And he after leading ten-zero
John Higgins was nearly the hero,
With plenty of pluck.

"With luck
I pluck
And try to remove the offensive feather fellow
And hope not to deflate the pillow,"
Said Chuck.

The punters have punted
The balls have been shunted
From end to end; sorry to say
It looks, with superior play,
As though Ken has been Hunted

It's sad but it's true
That Ken looks all through
And Hunter is winning the match.
Is there no chance our Ken just might catch
A win out of the blue?