h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

--The answer to the above question being "Why,certainly, so long as the person you wish to beat is smaller than you,go ahead my friend, that's what they're here for isn't it?

TRIGGER: Domestic violence.

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I have spent most of today trying to help someone who is being abused by my ex.(for those who know my history, i am NOT referring to M, who is as horrified by this sort of thing as me, but to K) Went with her to have the Xrays, thankfully this time she doesn't have a fractured skull, & the damage to her legs where he kicked her is unlikely to leave permanent scars (unlike mine,since he managed to shatter my shinbone.)

Spent hours talking with her (the ONLY opportunity she has had in 5 months to talk to anyone, he never lets her out of his sight) She was adamant that she would not go back to him,but was scared to even stay at her own apartment in case he came round. I offered her my key, he is unlikely to dare trying anything there,but she said no.Then she phoned P, where i am staying tonight, asking could she come & stay there? Yes, of course she can.

Then phoned back a few minutes later to say she was...back at his place "just to collect my things,but i will stay the night."



I spoke to the .Apparently, it's HER fault (of course) and even more amazingly,it is apparently partly MY fault too. Wow, i await details of my crime! Perhaps it was that i got away. Quite possibly he doesn't realise that i actually reported it to the police, complete with medical report. He has a criminal record here,the next time it happens, hopefully they will lock the ba****d up & chuck the key away permanently.

I despair.As abbi says "The power of love;or the love of power?"

Link to BBC page dealing with domestic violence:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/

Terri

Very sorry to hear it turned out that way.
*sigh*
Not surprised.

Be careful Terri! You are a good friend to try.
I am glad you reported it.

The laws here have changed to where the hitter gets a night in jail no matter what. That gives the woman a chance to collect her things and get away.

Just make sure she keeps the emergency phone numbers so she can leave if it comes to that. It is usually a small window of time women think of leaving or can manage it.

Yes. Some good advice on that link about making a crisis plan, practical help is what's required at the moment.

I AM scared for myself, i must confess, BUT he is aware that P knows what's going on, but for reasons we both know it is best if he remains in the background.

The main problem is that once she is back with him, he will NOT let her out of his sight, it's almost impossible for her to contact anyone,he hovers over her on the phone,if she speaks to anyone in the street,she gets punished for it.

They have only been together for 5 months, as she said today "he declares undying love ...then bashes me.what sort of love is this?"

God alone knows what price she will be paying for having talked to me;he has tried his utmost to prevent us talking to each other, he knows damn well i will "spill the beans" on him.

Christ, i HATE him, i truly do wish him a great deal of harm. What a horrible feeling.

It is awful,awful.Brings the whole nightmare back to life, sitting in the same clinic for the same reasons. I managed to get away, but i am a lot stronger physically & emotionally than she is.

I am petrified she is being murdered even as we squeak;this is NO exaggeration,it only takes one blow that is a little harder than intended....human bodies are pretty fragile, especially tiny ones like Martine's.

zdt
(wish my bloody emails to you had got through!)

Terri,

You can't change the world. For your own sake realise your limitations (That sounds harsh but it isn't meant to sound that way).

What i mean by this is you have shown her a way out. Given her the shoulder to cry on that she so desperately needs. offered her a way out. She needs to make the next step - as you will know only too well. By getting out of the same situation you have shown her she can too. If she doesn't have the strength then you can have strength for her, but she has to make that call.

Please don't let this bring you down. i know you are worried. But you have helped her so much today.

Mort, you are so right. It seems to be (yet another) failing in "Survivors" that they often DO seem to have a mission to change the bloody world, screaming with prior knowledge of just how bad it can be & the injustice of this.

P does this too, he is an unpaid Socialworker basically.Won't turn his mobile off "Maybe someone needs to call & i can help?"

But yes, if we do this sort of thing, need to stay strong ourselves.

zdt

I was just about to post that I think I was having all sorts of my own agendas too when I posted that!

Best thing we can do to help others is survive and stay strong for when others need us, but we are so damn insistant on making everything better that it is often at cost to our own health.

Won't stop us though, will it!

Probably trying to over compensate for not saving ourselves in the past.

YES. I can't decide whether this is good or bad, but feel compelled to try.

SOMEWHERE along the line, the cycle of abuse has to stop. One way is by simply choosing not to reproduce, it is amazing how mant "Survivors" are voluntarily childless. If there is a genetic component to all this, maybe natural selection will eventually squash it.

zdt

The biggest thing you can do is be available for that call or rescue and you have that covered. That IS huge.

She had a chance and hopefully will have another before it is too late. You cannot help unless she accepts it. The door was open and now it's ajar. Most people turn away so you are doing the most you can. You can always call the police for her (backed up with being a witness past and present) if she calls you and is desperate.

UPDATE:

Thank god (or whatever): it seems to have worked. She has left him, gone back to her parents for now & seems pretty positive, talking about getting a job, looking after herself physically more (she is anorexic)etc; She called her brother to come & collect her stuff this afternoon.

The morning was difficult, but she seems to have kept her cool overnight, nothing happened, she made it clear to him it was over & that was that. It probably helps that he knew others were involved; i don't think he dared do anything; the combination of the previous police report & the possibility of P teaching him a lesson in the old-fashioned way was probably enough to make him back off.

We met up with them at lunchtime, obviously it was a very awkward situation, P & I were basically referees, but it was as calm as could reasonably be expected.

K phoned me later, feeling very sorry for himself. i was trying to stay cool & make it clear that whilst i understand the relationship wasn't easy & Martine is pretty volatile herself, i could NOT condone the violence; He just kept saying "But why did you report me to the police?" He didn't seem to understand the answer "Because you assualted me!"; for some reason. So, he just slammed the phone down. Fine by me.

Hope we can just get on with life now, i really have had enough of living inside a soap opera!

zdt

I am glad she is safe.

Well done Terri, I hope you allow yourself to feel proud for the way you have supported her and given her another option.

The last thing she needed was a negative relationship on top of anorexia. I hope she can have the support she needs with her family.

i hope so too. She has promised she will keep in contact by phoen, plus is planning on getting internet connection ASAP, Cognac is only 40km away by train, we will keep up the contacts.

Yes, i DO feel proud that at least one person is a "Survivor" not a victim...or worse still, a statistic!

zdt

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i must be more tired than i thoight

*decides to leave latest typo; it sounds vaguely Celtic*

The next 2 months will probably tell whether she has made it out safely for the long run.

How are you today Mort?

Thanks for asking Abbi,

I had a good rest today so that helped. And Spiggy looks a bit better. I had a bit of a 'moment' earlier though. Having a glass of wine and enjoying it, rather than just to get drunk.

my little girl cat has just come for a cuddle! Aww she is so cute!

Aw kitties are wonderfull warm fuzzies
I wish I was not allergic.
I have known some wonderful cats and miss having them around.

Glad you and spiggy had some better hours tonight.

How is Spiggy now?

How does her friend react when she is sick? When Yoda was sick & living with Harley, Harley developed apparently the same symptoms, took them both to the vets & assumed it was something infectious, but no, Harley had normal temperature etc, it was psychosomatic "coming out in sympathy"!

to Spiggy!

Martine is coming back to Angouleme tomorrow, supposedly just to pick up stuff, hope she can resist the temptation to get in contact with K & have it all start up again....but bet she doesn't.

zdt

Spiggy is doing well at the moment We have had 2 clear days. hurrah. When Spiggy is sick, Wee One gets stress baldness because Spig picks on her more when he feels ill.

So I have one sick cat and one very bald on the tummy and back legs cat!

Aw
When my grumpy is in a bad mood the other looks so pitifully sad and is extra well behaved.

Spiggy

Sends strength to Martine