h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I described myself like this once, when trying desperately hard (yet again) to explain to a "non survivor" how it feels at (most) times.

HOW can you explain that whereas many people are pretty sensitive to pain, which is often a good thing, creating empathy towards others; some of us are so rubbed raw by the experiences of loss & abuse, we just cannot cope with situations in which we percieve, wrongly or rightly, that the people who are supposed, by normal standards to love us, appear to reject us, deliberately hurt us, ignore our feelings?

I am screaming inside, but can't show it. Why? Mainly because there is nobody here; not an uncommon situation.

Are we predestined to endure a lifetime of silent screaming?

What the hell did WE do to deserve this? How come THEY got away scot-free? When does it f*****g end?

OK, I am over-reacting to the sort of situation that most people would just decide was a bit of a p**s off, but the pain i feel is real & presumably caused by being so damaged previously that i don't react in the "proper" way. I feel utterly rejected, unloved, worthless, angry, furious, murderous, suicidal...you name a negative emotion, i will have experienced it in the last hour or so.

Not good, not right, not nice.

Not right to whinge & moan either, not right to burden others either, but god help me (WHO????) I cannot carry all this alone for much longer. Believe me, i have tried.

I truly hope none of the rest of you feel this way. i hope it's just me. i hope i will feel better later. But i know too well that at times all of us on here also feel like this; which is both the worst aspect of this & a cause for hope in a strange way --we are not alone.

But we are. That's at the root of it all.

it's a good analogy.

Sounds as though you've just had something to provoke these feelings?

Hi Zarquon.

Just feeling sorry for myself I suppose, on the basis that someones got to!

Basically, it's going to be a s**t christmas, more than likely spent alone & penniless, & I could do without feeling that the person I have been trying to help in every way to survive his own "Survivor" background seems to feel I can be used when there is no one else around to help other than me, but when there is, I am placed rather firmly on the back shelf.

It doesn't seem very fair; but his response is "I am so depressed & tired of life, I can't give you any more. If you don't like it, sod off."

Which I suppose I should do, any "normal" person would, but unfortunately I happen to love him & would rather he didn't resort to suicide, either instant or slow variety when he feels that no one cares.

One of the saddest things about the whole "Survivor" syndrome is that we seem to act as magnets for each other, we are automatically (it seems) drawn towards those who have also experienced massive pain & loss, but don't often seem able to help each other, despite good intentions & empathy, but make each other worse.

We have learned how to wound. We had good teachers.

Hope you're doing OK,do keep in touch.

zdt

You don't deserve to be treated badly by this person.

Right now, atb this very minute, if ANYBODY would just bloody well be a littlre bit nice it would help. i cant carry o,n like this I just cant

Oh, zdt!

Yes, we are often drawn to people like ourselves and generally, they are unable to give love because they feel they need it all for themselves, yet they are unable to love themselves either.

The Chinese have a phrase for it - hungry ghosts. The image is of a person faced with an abundance of good things, but who has a throat which is so constricted that nothing can come in. What we need, is to learn to love ourselves. When we can do that, we can allow love in.

I can remember doing a little excercise which helped me. It might help you. I just wrote a list of my blessings. I can remember having to really think about it; the more I thought, the more there were.

Hi zarquon, hi stealth.

Thanks for being here.

Yes, hungry ghosts sums it up. This other person (M) is NOT NOT NOT a bad person, he too is a survivor of childhood abuse & bereavement. He almost certainly loves me as much as he is capable of, but he feels I demand too much from him, which is probably true.

It affects us all in different ways doesn't it? In my case, despite everything, I seem to never totally give up hope, I somehow carry on believing that if you are as honest as possible, whilst recognising that no one is EVER truly honest, least of all to themselves, that somehow "in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take" in the words of the Beatles song. Karma theory I suppose.

I tend to end up somewhat disappointed, which is probably what he means, I AM demanding, I expect the other one to give as much as I put in. Unrealistic. Unfair on them.

Especially when their way of dealing with the pain is (or seems to be) to distance themself emotionally, presumably to avoid having to face the possibility of rejection & abandonment; self-protection.

It's probably a more sensible way, but I don't seem (yet) to have developed the tough skin necessary. In one way I wish I could (it's GOT to be easier than this!) but in another it seems like giving up on basic humanity. It would mean the ba****ds have won & I am too bloody stubborn to let them do that.

Hence the name of this group. Yes, we ARE Survivors. Having got through all that s**t so many years back, we now face the battle of fighting; years of trying , & possibly failing, to emerge into a better life & becoming exhausted at times.

It's not bloody easy is it?



zdt

Yes, it's a sort of push-pull dynamic. If you don't put yourself out there, you can't be rejected, but then you can't be loved either. Do nothing, risk nothing, be nothing. That's a really sad attitude, however as you say, it's understandable. Good that you're not at that point and have a more optimistic outlook.

Stay with it zdt.

Been looking for the thread you mentioned.
I passed up skinless sausage never imagining....
Sounds like naked pain

Terri did you get that email done?
Seems you got through to me so let me know if it is not.
Also if there is anything else.
Got your other posts and set you another email.
Sorry had to run earlier- just back now to follow up on any new info.

Hungry ghosts is rather haunting term
Hang in there Terri - write more if your in that sort of space.
I hope you can sleep tonight.

Teri,

I haven't been out here much...computer problems. If you want to talk, send me your email address richendamorgan at yahoo dot com. I'll get back to you soonest.

*Terri has about given up.
She says she has.*

Terri please choose life FOR yourself.
Nothing anyone else has done or not done says anything about who you are or what you have to give. You have given much and you in no way deserve this pain or this early ending.

Please choose life today.

For emailing at the moment-
Her aol addy will run out soon
XOXZenX0devilX2 (at)
Terris addy is correct without the Xs and Os , keep the [email protected]

Sorry Terri for posting it.
I figure you can get a new one if you decide to choose life.
I am still hoping you do.

Terri,

Sending you .