h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiya Everyone!

I hope i've picked the right place to write this. I've been wanting for some time to write something of my life cus sometimes if i see it before my eyes i can gain confidnce from it.

Anyway i'm 26 n my life seems to be of one without love til recently. I felt like i never recived love off my family at all. I never had hugs or was told i was loved etc.

I was sexually abused when i was 12 by a man. He touched me n tried to rape me but i managed to get away.

I never really gave it much thought. Ever since that tho i only seem to have female friends n can't get close to men at all. I find i've got alot of women's characteristics like caring, senstive, emotional etc etc.

Anyway i got involved with alcohol after i left college which made me suicidal which i did try n kill myself with 50 paracetomol. Wasn't long after that drugs found their way into my life in a big big way.

I've been addicted to many drugs mainly heroin cus i felt that a life without being drugged up was too painful. Without the drugs i felt i had got nothing to live for.

I've managed to stay away from drugs for over 2 years mainly cus i've got a beautiful partner who i love more than life itself.

What i find now is that i'm very needy. I constantly want her attention n for her to show me love n it puts constant pressure on the relationship. Unfortunately we're not in a position where we can meet more than once a week.

I lead a very lonely life without her but i find the main prob in my life is constantly needing attention. I crave it more than i ever craved or needed heroin. It's like a drug to me. I think it's cus the first time in my life i've found someone who loves me but it never seems enough.

I just wish i could find a way to deal with this prob before i put too much pressure on my partner. It isn't her fault i know it's mine n she tries so hard to show me love when she can but i just want more n more.

Has anyone else been through this before n managed to deal with it?

I've been to a psychologist who did help but i can't see him anymore cus he's left n there's a 12 mont waiting list at the clinic where i went so i need to find another way to deal with it.

Thanks for reading n i hope i haven't bored anyone

's

Diddy!

I know what you talking about... unfortunatly my only advice is to use the insight you have into this problem to keep control over it... I'm yet to find anything more constructive to deal with it...

Welcome...

Thanks for the welcome

I know what the prob is but i just can't seem to deal with it. Often in my life i've bought friendships so they will like me n it never works out. I tend to do extreme things just so people will show me attention in particular my partner but it does the opposite affect.

If thing's are happy between us n she's showing me loads of attention i feel the happiest man alive but obviously it's impossible to have a relationship where you can have attention n love showed to you 24/7.

Sometims i interpret things she says that she doesn't want to spend time with me or she doesn't love me n i know deep down it isn't true but i can't seem to help myself.

I wasn't like this in the first 6 months of our relationship but i can't seem to find a reason why i've got worse. Maybe it's cus when you get more seriously involved with someone it's only natural to want to be with them more but in our relationship (for the mo) that's impossible.

I could go on n on telling oyu more but i don't want to put people off

's

Diddy!

Indeed... I kow the transient paranoia of thinking that the one you love doesn't really love you and doesn't really want to spend time with you, taking the smallest phrase and blowing out of proportion... and the pain that come with these thoughts that no matter how much you try to rationalise them they keep coming back and getting stronger...

I wish I could help... but all I can do is show that I understand what it's like through my own similar experiance...

Hello Diddy! All I can say is ... just try your best not to put too much pressure on your partner. Craving attention I can understand ... but you can't always get it, you can't even buy it!

Anyways, I'm a man also, and so far in my life, I haven't even ever had a girlfriend yet. I'm 31. Had a number of bad things happen to me, including a few suicide attempts, and currently suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. I also badly abused alcohol prior to my first suicide attempt. Anyways, another thing ... please don't go back to alcohol or drugs!

Hi Diddy

welcome to the survivors group!

We have all been abused here, I was by my dad between the ages of 11 and 16. It lead to many bad decisions, but they were the only ones I was capable of making.

I too met a lovely person and at first, for some years I too was very clingy. I even slept around to keep some independence for me, rubbish reason I know. After 7 years and so much support from him, I know he won't leave me, I am relaxed about the relationship. It went through some hard times, when delaing with the hurt and the legacy that abuse leaves you, but now its good.

I am happy in my relationship, I have stopped sleeping around, I have also stopped self-harming. It takes time and patience and talks about painful subjects well into the night. If you can be open with her then you are on the way. Openness also needs patience, as I grew to know myself there were things I realised only this year about the way I am and way I react the way I do. Its an ongoing process, learning to trust and relax, but it can be done.

Good luck!

Welcome Diddy

You've not said anything that doesn't scream 'yep... survivor'. I promise you will find more understanding from this group the more you relate, and more often than not what you might have considered a personal flaw will be recognised as very familiar. I've spent thousands on friendships over the years, for instance, to test my worth to the friendships. It hasn't always worked.

Please make of, and contribute to this group as much as you feel you want to and nothing more. It's all about personal will at the end of the day, and you're very welcome here when you want to be here.

Thank you for giving us some insight into what you've been through. I hope this forum gives you some faith and strength, as it has for me and other members.

Take care, and don't ever let the b*st**ds grind you down.

Krispy

Hello, Diddy.

This is a good place to begin your search for a solution to these sorts of problems.

If nothing else, it should help you to understand that you are not the only person who has suffered.

The only other immediate insight I have found is that though we are anxious to get control of these problems from our past, there is no way to 'just get over it.' It appears that we have to find a way through our problems so that we control them rather they controlling us. Our past is as much a part of us as whatever is happening now or tomorrow. We cannot deny it, but we can deny it the control of our lives that it currently has.

We have survived. But some portion of the methods we used to survive, if not all of them, are no longer necessary for our survival and may actually be hindering us in our striving to live our current lives. So, we must take a full inventory of our tools of survival and take them off of their automatic settings so that we can live among people.

Part of what we do here is like petting a wounded animal, understanding that we may get bit for our efforts, but still seeking to provide what comfort we can.

Another part is like one injured animal showing another how to get fed and watered in the strange environment of life.

For me, the most signifcant part is where we learn that, despite any problems we might have, we still have value, beauty, and strength -- That we are worth the effort.

Nothing that has happened to us can change that. Nothing that anyone has said about us can change that.

The only thing that can make us worth less, is our willingness to accept that our worth *is* less.

Barton

Hi Diddy, we've had the pleasure of meeting before.
Talk as much or little as you like and I would rcommend reading some of the threads here.
You most certainly have not bored anyone

Sorry I am late getting here. I am feeling damaged presently and struggling a bit.

I came to check in and also say we may have another researcher drop buy soon. I know all will welcome her. I am not sure of the nickname that will be used.

How is it going Diddy?

How is it going Diddy?

Hi Diddy,

Welcome. Sorry I got here late but this just now popped up on my list.

Please feel free to contribute as you see fit.

We have a 'waves at others' thread that comes and goes. It a great place to 'check in' so to speak.

Hiya everyone!

First of all i'm really sorry i've not been keeping in touch. Sometimes i get into these moods where i don't want to talk to anyone but in the end it gets too much n i feel much worse.

I was extremely touched by all your kinds replies. I really am not used to people being nice with me. Majority of my life people are only nice to me if they want something. I always seem to get a raw deal with 'friends', relationships etc. Sometimes i feel really used.

I've always been the sort of person who tries so damn hard to make people happy but when it comes to me telling people my feelings it goes in one ear n out the other or they only seem to remember for 2 weeks if that. I get very upset when people go through phases with me. It just seems people in real life do it to me all the time. Even my partner does it with me n for the life of me i have no idea why. I know sometimes i've got no tact n say my feelings the wong way n it makes people feel guilty but even when i say it it a nice way it just seems ot be forgotten quickly.

Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me.

One of the reasons why it's took me a long time to write back is cus i didn't know what to say next.

I hope no-one judges me in what i'm about to say cus it's hard telling people this without them jumping to conclusions.

The relationship i've got with my partner is very stressful. You see she's still married n living with her husband n family. Yes you're probably thinking she's having an affiar with me aren't you? She isn't i know that for definate. Before we even got together she made it clear to her husband she wanted to move out n it's taking alot longer than what we both thought for her to move. You see she went to a solicitor to know the facts n it will be extremely difficult for her to move out. She owns half her house so she can't have council propery unless she gives him her half. There's no way can she afford private accomodation as she only works part time. It's such a difficult situation to be in. For a start all the decisions are made by her. I can't have a say when we meet, talk or anything cus of her responsibilities. All her life she's done the same as me - done everything for everyone to make them happy n never thought about her feelings but about 6 months before she knew me she started to be more selfish n think about herself. She's like thta with me sometimes but only if i say thing's in the wrong manner. Cus of the pressure she's under with her family she likes to have lots of time on her own or talking to her friends on the pc so that doesn't give us much time together. We've spoke about this loads of times n it's basically guilt for being with me which holds her back in the relationship. Cus i'm a very needy person who needs lots of love shown you can imagine how this affects me. Usually tho if i leave her to her own devices she does start wanting more contact with me. It's just so hard having to be patient n wait for her to move out before i'l be an equal in this relationship. I would never break up with her as i love her too much for that but sometimes i just can't cope. I just wish thing's were easier. If i could deal with being so needy n combat that, that would be half the battle won n sometimes i can but times i can't i feel so low. It's difficult telling my partner my feelings as she has plenty of her own so i'm just left on my own to sort them out that's why i thought i would write things in here. Believe me i was so emotional when i read all your replies. We have all had some psychological disorder n i want to help you al in some way if i can.

Love n hugs to you all

My names Phil btw

Hiya everyone!

First of all i'm really sorry i've not been keeping in touch. Sometimes i get into these moods where i don't want to talk to anyone but in the end it gets too much n i feel much worse.

I was extremely touched by all your kinds replies. I really am not used to people being nice with me. Majority of my life people are only nice to me if they want something. I always seem to get a raw deal with 'friends', relationships etc. Sometimes i feel really used.

I've always been the sort of person who tries so damn hard to make people happy but when it comes to me telling people my feelings it goes in one ear n out the other or they only seem to remember for 2 weeks if that. I get very upset when people go through phases with me. It just seems people in real life do it to me all the time. Even my partner does it with me n for the life of me i have no idea why. I know sometimes i've got no tact n say my feelings the wong way n it makes people feel guilty but even when i say it it a nice way it just seems ot be forgotten quickly.

Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me.

One of the reasons why it's took me a long time to write back is cus i didn't know what to say next.

I hope no-one judges me in what i'm about to say cus it's hard telling people this without them jumping to conclusions.

The relationship i've got with my partner is very stressful. You see she's still married n living with her husband n family. Yes you're probably thinking she's having an affiar with me aren't you? She isn't i know that for definate. Before we even got together she made it clear to her husband she wanted to move out n it's taking alot longer than what we both thought for her to move. You see she went to a solicitor to know the facts n it will be extremely difficult for her to move out. She owns half her house so she can't have council propery unless she gives him her half. There's no way can she afford private accomodation as she only works part time. It's such a difficult situation to be in. For a start all the decisions are made by her. I can't have a say when we meet, talk or anything cus of her responsibilities. All her life she's done the same as me - done everything for everyone to make them happy n never thought about her feelings but about 6 months before she knew me she started to be more selfish n think about herself. She's like thta with me sometimes but only if i say thing's in the wrong manner. Cus of the pressure she's under with her family she likes to have lots of time on her own or talking to her friends on the pc so that doesn't give us much time together. We've spoke about this loads of times n it's basically guilt for being with me which holds her back in the relationship. Cus i'm a very needy person who needs lots of love shown you can imagine how this affects me. Usually tho if i leave her to her own devices she does start wanting more contact with me. It's just so hard having to be patient n wait for her to move out before i'l be an equal in this relationship. I would never break up with her as i love her too much for that but sometimes i just can't cope. I just wish thing's were easier. If i could deal with being so needy n combat that, that would be half the battle won n sometimes i can but times i can't i feel so low. It's difficult telling my partner my feelings as she has plenty of her own so i'm just left on my own to sort them out that's why i thought i would write things in here. Believe me i was so emotional when i read all your replies. We have all had some psychological disorder n i want to help you al in some way if i can.

Love n hugs to you all

My names Phil btw

Hi Phil,

Just to say I've read this and I'm on my way to work. I'll look at the thread again when I get back as there's more I want to say.

Hiya!

That's very kind of you to reply. There are lots of kind people in here.

Just a short message. I read earlier about paranoid schizophrenia. I suffer from paranoid psychosis which i spose is similiar. I used to take amisulpride for it but they made me ill. Now i'm on Subutex (a heroin substitute but you can't use on top) and Mirtazapine (anti depressant which helps me put weight on)

If anyone wants to talk about prescribed drugs i'm your man! Think i've been on virtually all anti-depressants at one time or another.

Oh Kaz i used to have one-night stands as well. I think i did it cus many women my age don't really like me. I only get on with older people in real life. I was ashamed of myself for using women in my youth. I stopped doing it when one of them cried the next day when she caught me trying to leave the hotel. I only make love in secure relationships now in fact i can honestly say the first time i made love was with my present partner, before that it was just meaningless sex.


Phil

Hi Phil

I have read your update, but I don't know what to say as yet. You are in a very difficult situation and I don't want to be trite or judgemental, so I will have a think and get back to you.

I have recently started exercising a lot more, for the first 2 weeks, it gave me more energy and boosted my self-confidence and esteem so much. Now I have hit a wall and I am tired and aching. I will get past this though, but I hope it explains why my brain is not in gear at the moment and want to have a think about my reply.

Hiya Phil,

I'm not an expert in these matters, but it strikes me that if you are looking for somewhere to live together, it may take awhile. I imagine that you would not want her to lose out financially by giving over her share of her house. If she gets a divorce, then this will take a long time to come through. However, she *should* get her share of the house, even if she moved out, I think. As you say, it may not qualify her to ge a council house.

I've no idea whether you would qualify for council housing - I do know that councils are more sympathetic to single men with mental health problems than ones without, so you could find out if that was an option. Otherwise, you may look at either shared accommodation or a housing association.

Possibly your local housing section (or homeless person's unit, if that is appropriate), Citizen's Advice Bureau or Neighbourhood Law Centre could give you advice.

Hiya Zarquons Singing fish!

We're not planning to live together when she moves out. I don't think that would do us any good at all. She's gone from relationship to relationship since she was in her first marriage when she was 19 n we both said it wouldn't be nice to the kids of hers if she moves in with another man as soon as she moves out. I would prefer to do the right thing n wait 12 months or so n get to know the kids then before things like that happen. I'm the sort of person who thinks of everyone usually at my expense.

I'm waiting on the council list to move closer to her which would help but to be honest the ball would still be in her court all the time. I'm not a control freak or anything but it would be nice to make some decisions now n again instead of her making them all the time. I think the longer this goes on the wrose it will get cus already she's used to making the decisions so if we did move in together she might get funny if i had my say.

You're right she would still get her half of the house if she moved out but where would she go? She can't have council property cus of her owning half the house n she's paid for all the furniture in this one (not that she wants it).
The only solution really is for her to give up her half which she said she would do if things got bad but i can't see it myself.

It's hard having someone who loves you n who i love so much n not having much contact. I cope sometimes.

Hiya Kaz!

So you're doing excerises eh? I do alot of walking myself. I only weigh 9 stone n i'm nearly 6 ft so my self esteem is rock bottom! I've alwasy thought i am ugly. If you met my partner you would wonder what she's doing with me! It's like beauty n the beast Well at least i can laugh about it!

Keep up the exercises Kaz it does you good.

Have you tried aerobics? I believe alot of women like that n it's sposed to be fun too!

Phil

Diddy I know we are no substitute while missing your love interest but we are here to talk.
Maybe hootoo and another flexible-time sort of interest or hobby would be helpful filling in the time.

Kaz that very well could be the case- a few missed days and you notice a difference in the endorphins circulating.
Good Luck getting back into the swing.