h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Wow, Abbi! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with therapy; it’s really given me a lot to think about, and in a good way.

I just wanted to say one thing about psychiatrists. At least in the States, only an MD can legally dispense medication, and therapists are not required to be medical doctors, while a psychiatrist has earned a medical degree. With all of my therapists, I’ve also been referred to a psychiatrist simply to prescribe meds, and monitor my reactions to them. Believe it or not, the psychiatrist I saw in conjunction with my last therapist (the flighty one) wasn’t all that bad. He actually did seem interested in helping me to function more normally. At least I've got a GP who tries to look after that for me for the time being.

I have the same problem with being hypnotised myself, perhaps it's really a matter of not trusting anyone to have that kind of control over me, or something like that. I'd never heard of that REMD, I'll have to read more about it. I'm always apprehensive about things which alter neural impulses- I'm even fairly resistant to taking meds. It might jut be my (wapred) perspective, but to me it sounds like it changes you so much physiologically, and I'm frightened by the idea of changing what or who I am. I've fought so long and hard just to be allowed to be who I am, anything that might alter that scares me, even if it *would* help! How weirrd am I for feeling that way?

“No one can remain in a sick situation and survive without becoming a bit sick themselves. It would be healthier for some to not adapt because the situation is too sick to survive. Most children adapt in order
to survive. I adapted in order to survive as a child then blamed myself as an adult for being a wimp. I felt resigned to staying that way”

Bingo! It had never occurred to me that my failure to adapt to my “foster home” was in fact done out of the need for survival. Obviously I’d come out of a sick situation, one to which I’d learned to adapt by toeing the line and doing whatever I had to do to stay out of harm’s way. But the new situation I found myself in was just as sick, even if in an entirely different way! Sometimes the best way I've found to adapt to a threatening situation is to withdraw from it completely- whether or not that's a good response, i'm not entirely certain. I think what the therapist and social workers saw as a failure to adapt to the new situation, what caused them to say “she’s having the same problems with her foster family as with the real one, so the problem is that she’s willful and incapable of experiencing emotions”, was in fact adapting in the only way I knew how.

I know I’ve absorbed so many of those unhealthy attitudes that were drummed into my head over the years, and I’ve wanted to change them but never knew how. The things you’ve mentioned, Abbi, I’ve never heard any therapist mention, and you know, I think they’d help! “Realizing that I had needs, I deserve to have needs, then learning how to ask or seek them for myself. BOUNDARIES!”

Realising that I deserve to have needs is something I’m going to have to do for myself, and I know that. I do have needs, and they do deserve to be met, even the physical ones! (I even have trouble accepting that one, thanks, mom) Finding positive ways to meet those needs is the next step, I think I’m actually starting to get somewhere in that area at last! But setting boundaries in something I’ve not heard, or thought about before. Setting boundaries, new ones which will work instead of the old ones which have been imposed upon me, is exactly the way to get the old reactions and feelings and behaviors in check, and work on healthier ones. Now I know what I need to ask for help with if I do decide I’m ready to get back into therapy at some point. Or what I need to do for myself, at the very least. Thank you for sharing that bit you learned Abbi, that’s going to be a huge help, I think.

“Friends and family are wonderful but the weight can be more than they can bear depending.... Depending ...on a lot!”

That’s what I’m always afraid of! The people closest to me do always try to help, but they’ve got a lot of their own weight to bear. Having friends who understand and you understand them is wonderful, you can help bear each other’s weight. But I don’t want to be a burden on them! I have told certain people that I don’t enjoy them analysing me... that’s not exactly what I mean, but I am afraid that if someone I love tries too hard to help “fix” me, they’ll see me as some kind of project (I had one person in my life years ago who referred to me as their “crusade”). The problem with that is that is eventually a project will be completed and then they won’t need me any more! So part of why I resist their efforts to help is, I want them to love me, period, not because they feel sorry for me. The other problem with relying on friends for help is I sometimes worry, if people love me while I’m all messed up will they stop loving me if I change?


You talk about us getting in our own way, Abbi, and I do that all the time. More than one person has mentioned to me that I am in fact my own worst enemy. Once again, I guess this is where finding better ways to get needs met and setting reasonable boundaries might be of some help.

I’m not expecting any miracles, but what you’ve shared *has* been of help to me, Abbi, and I really appreciate your doing it! Maybe I'm ready to reconsider my position on therapy after all, if I know that my loved ones will look out for me and let me know if they think it's helping or harming me.

“Even if it's; OMG now I know what her problem is and I will be sure NOT to do what she did!”... That’s half the reason I share so many of the things I do here!

"she’s having the same problems with her foster family as with the real one, so the problem is that she’s willful and incapable of experiencing emotions”, was in fact adapting in the only way I knew how."

Neither home may have been safe for you, not that you failed. You are here and struggling for more and that IS willful (good). That is never failure in my book.

I certainly believe that is how you survived. I did it in much the same way and with fairy tales. I still read them. NOT for the happily ever after but for the struggle of the main characters. There is great wisdom and commonality with the struggle. I held all inside in a protective jewel box. There were no diamonds ,only my feelings. The ones I wanted to keep but were afraid if shown they would be stolen. Once I grasp the concept of spirit ,I never ever was going to let someone kill it. I chose a kind of hybernation until it was safe for me "to come out"

I have great sympathy and understanding for aspects of autism and split personalities. I can see and still feel the tenuous grasp on reality at times during early childhood. I swear I had a guardian angel that urged me to come out occasissionally. Two of the rL folks were an Aunt and my Godmother (I just visited them). They always treated me as a person looking into my eyes as they talked to me.

Any "friend" that does not seem to have a struggle of there own I would beware of. My friends that have helped me most and stood by me were the ones that once said I do not want to bother you with this. I said please do! I want to be normal and (relate- the root word for relationships) There needs to be balance, not tit for tat balance but an overall balance of meeting some needs. I needed friends that worked actively on changes themselves. All people have problems, only some are actively working at them. We would energtize each other.

When it is more tiring to share emotional stuff it is a warning.
It is OK ,if they are activity friends and not confidants. That is boundary work too. Knowing there are levels to trusting is good. Not all relationships require the same level of priveledges,trust or commitment or the previous level you had accepted. The most basic of boundaries is to say no. The biggest challenge is to survive the guilt of saying no! Some do not have this problem. Some need to say yes.

You said it well---re-setting your own boundaries is the work to be done! I had thought of it as setting them for the first time,that is incorrect. It IS resetting them!

More later

PC says;
"More than one person has mentioned to me that I am in fact my own worst enemy"

We all are our own worst enemy.
Most that have had people come down hard on them, are harder on themselves than anyone else could ever be on them.

There is an adjustment period with people when you change your boundaries. It throws others off initially, they soon adjust fine. You will not be asking anything unreasonable.

If people are used to you saying yes all the time ,it can be one of the hardest to break. It is hardest on you not them!
If so, remember;
No is a complete sentance.
You do not have to explain why in most cases.
No I am not unavailable.
No I will be unable to do that.
No I am not comfortable with that.
All of these give plenty of information in most circumstances.
If it is really foriegn to you,practice it out loud and/or in the mirror.

If you beome healthier and people do not like it, there is something off with them, not you. You are clearer and more logical when you are healthy,others will not disorient & confuse you as easily. It is having your words match your deeds while getting your needs met. It builds trust and accountablility not resentment.