h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi everyone I said hello and read through many of the threads. I did not know where to put this. I am open to talking and feel that basically I consider myself nearly healed as much as can be, but somewhat damaged by my history. I have learned to live with the demons of the past. I have what I call hauntings in the spring and fall and a few days in between. The intensity of the haunting has diminished greatly I no longer hide oe get as quiet for as long or have as many nightmares.

We (twinny) were seperated at 5 1/2 and reunited at 43
I did not know if she was even alive between 10-40 but I felt her.

I saw where people wanted a waring before reading descriptions of abuse so a WARNING applies begining here

We went into the same childrens home but I had polio & then TB. I was not able to be a resident. We saw each other just before we were adopted. She would not speak and hid her face, we were told we'd never see each other again. She was very confused the last time I'd seen her. We were soon both told the other did not exist. WE both thought differently and eventually guilt at seeing us beg strangers seperately ,& continuously opened a door just wide enough.

There were 11 of us kids in my biological family, I am in the middle,#7.
We were mostly neglected. That which you become thankful for, because when adults were there,severe abuse happened. Our mother was mentally ill. She had men friends and children of every age for their desires.

At 6 just after joining a new family I was kidnapped by a sexual predator. The bio family was suspected but not the guilty party.

After six there was no family sex abuse, but other forms. My new mother was also mentally ill. She returned me twice, to an empty house, alone and cold for days. I was returned but not allowed to call her mom for years to come. Mom had lost her mother at 10 ,when I was 10 she allowed me to call her Mom. The physical abuse increased at that time. Begining with my periods, the emotional abuse increased. My mother had been abused terribly when she was a child by a mean alcoholic father who encouraged his oldest daughters to feed & entertain the men he brought home.

At 9 1/2 my younger brother(one of another twin set) was murdered by *his* adoptive parents. We were neighbors, I found out at school. After my brother died; having an abusive mother and a Dad that was traveling for work, I believed that my mother could ceratinly kill me if she wished. I had dreams about it, she threatned but never tried after age 10.

I am no stranger to difficult issues. The traumas did not stop at 10 years of age, but the worst of it was over, no sexual abuse occured after this point. Any remaining childhood was filled with emotional and physical abuse. Not until my 20's did any childhood begin.Thankfully I was escorted through that with the help of eternal children and then went into therapy which was a wonderful experience for me.

Oh, Abbi, thanks for sharing that with us. I can't imagine surviving abuse and neglect such as that you've been put through and still you've been able to heal and keep on living. I'm very glad that therapy has been a good experience for you.

God, I can't even say anything right now. I'm sorry, I'll have to try again later when I'm not reacting so strongly to the s**t you've been subjected to. Thank god you're still here, Abbi.

Take care of yourself and I'm looking forward to talking with you again soon.

Hi Abbi, that sounds dreadful, so many people here are so hurt by their parents. I sometimes think people shouldn't be allowed to become parents just because they want too.

Luckily we know that you are now reunited with your twin, its good to know there is some happiness.

Kidnapped by a sexual predator at 10? That sounds very worrying. but you say you feel you have healed of a lot of it, well done for that, for keeping going a becoming such a person of wisdom (thats how I think of you anyway!).

Sorry to hear about your brother, you said you were neighbours, did you know it was your brother living next door to you?

What a confused mess you grew up in, it shows you are a survivor!

Abbi

I read your posting first thing this morning and then thought about it on the way to work. I didn't know what to say then and I still don't. I can not even pretend to comprehend what you went through. No one should have to be faced with what you grew up with.

I shared your posting with B. He was wondering if you could illuminate on "hauntings" and "… I was escorted through that with the help of eternal children"

I agree with Kaz in sometimes feeling that people ought not be allowed to have children just because they want to. Although if it weren't for some damaged people having had children, I wouldn't have met all of you, so some good *can* come of anything.

I'm also sorry to hear about your brother, but am glad to know that you've at least found your twin. I can't imagine having existed in such confusion... I might have had to deal with abuse but at least it was consistent and I knew what to expect. Confusion and chaos terrify me, I don't think I could have survived what you have, Abbi, and admire and respect you for perservering and for healing to the point you have.

Having seen you around for quite some time, I've always been impressed and touched by the depth of your compassion and wisdom, and even more so now. Thanks again for sharing, Abbi, and I'm happy to finally have the chance to formally meet you.

Thank you everyone, for your comments.
I promise to come back soon and answer all the questions.

The one is a short answer, I can now.

Yes I did know they were my brothers 4 houses away. 3# neighbors split 5 kids. They were all friends, neighbors, worked together,all became aware of our family situation. Twinny and another sis were adopted straight out of the orpanange the same month and year,but no one else. There was another baby after we were all adopted. So 7 adopted out, 1 again the second time, 4 Not ever.

*I was the predominant caregiver for 3 of them, before they were adopted.
From 4 1/2 to 6years old(me) It was myself, and a sister(not twin) almost two years younger and the twin babies usually alone.
It was a tremdous job for a child I took it very seriously.
Realistic as an adult, NO doubt...how good of a parent could I have been?I was a very serious child. "An old soul" ~ I heard that as far back as I can remember.

Enough for now,I'll return soon.

In response to this request;
I shared your posting with B. He was wondering if you could illuminate on "hauntings" and "… I was escorted through that with the help of eternal children"

eternal children:
From 17 to 20 something I worked hard at school and getting a profession but I played with the people whom never grow up. They are the adults that stay children. It was a way to do all the things I had missed. These folks were creative sorts and did not work alot, mostly played and were carefree. (They still are trying too)

The other part to that was studying cultures and religions and seeing the pure joy and child like demeanor of some that were at peace. Although they suffered greatly previously. The Dali Lama and Mandela being two of them. Many not so big in name or stature but equally as wise aand retaining some positive child like qualities. As a child I read about war & inprisonment,race unequality and such. I knew how to survive partially because of those books.

The THRIVING is what I wanted in on!

I tend to think children are born with wisdom, talents & gifts. It gradually gets masked, and then at some point parts are ignored. We end up coming back to it, if all is moving as it should, coming full circle in life

I will anser the other ;"hauntings" a bit later as I have experienced another family death , as many of u know. The haunting is happening in rather subdued way to me ,at the moment

With respect for all of you and the of this forum ,I will return soon.

Take care of yourself

Hello Abbi and it's good to have you here! Your childhood sounds like a time of terrible confusion ... I would like to know a bit more about some of it if you won't mind? I'd also like to know a bit more, if possible, about the 'hauntings' ... I myself experience periods of extreme terror and confusion that I sometimes called 'demon-hauntings' and I'm hoping yours are not like that.

I also want to comment on the 'eternal children' ... I sometimes see myself as an eternal child, and wonder if maybe a large part of my problems don't come from not being able to grow up. To me there are some positive and some negative aspects to not growing up. The positive is a sense of fun and wonder at all that is in the world ... seeing everything every day, as if for the first time. The negative is not being strong and responsible enough to be able to manage to do what needs to be done. Not yet 'hardened' by experience. I think many of my problems are with that aspect ... I don't want to be hardened. I'm wishing it was not necessary to become hard in order to survive in the world.

Willem I will try to answer.

The eternal child positives that you mention are real and YES you can keep them!
You pay attention, value and *notice* in the way a child does and it will stay with you. You will not be hardened if you strive to do this

The other side - the neg, well that can be due to many things.

I believe in balance and shades of grey. I think black and white thinking makes people ill. I also believe you can balance and design your life to be the best for YOU.

The hauntings pretty much correlate to the seasons (spring and fall) and the tragedies of childhood. These were times of concentrated periods of death,physical seperation from family and horrors. I believe all experiences and memories live within your cells. Not till I became of aware of this, did I see it as an opportunity to safely look and heal what I could. That is is all a part of me today. To deny it, brought great confusion and panic and fear of losing my mind. I used to have terrible nightmares for weeks, afraid to sleep and recieve more. Thankfully today ,even one is rare. They would stay with me for days unable to shake the darkness and despair. The sleep deprivation would begin and do it's own harm.

I know that is just a start at answering your questions, more later if you like. It's a big topic. Not one I have put into words for others often.

Thanks abbi for that. You know, your responses to your experiences are very similar to those of others of us. I mean the cyclic re-experiencing of traumas ... in the forum here called 'Anniversary of Trauma' some of us speak about some of that. And the part of having nightmares and consequent sleeping problems too. And I think your observation that our experiences and memories live within our cells is also on the money. We talk about the physical problems associated with mental/emotional/psychological traumas as well.

There are striking similarities. I hope the things that help people will be similar too.
That would be wonderful to pass some of that along to each other. Maybe it's happening already.

I can speak for myself and say that things you and others here have shared are helping me! I wish I'd met you all sooner, *before* I became hardened. It would be great to have held on to that inner child and to look at things with a sense of wonder and possibility rather than being cynical and bitter all the time. I'm sure it's too late for that now.

PC..the inner child is still there. You just haven't found her yet. Be patient. The healing path is twisted. She might just be beyond the next bend.

But would "awakening" the inner child also bring back all of the negative feelings and fears of childhood? Maybe the inner child doesn't want to be out and about... it's easier to survive in the world when you're tough and jaded. I mean, hope can only lead to disappointment, you know?

It's NOT too late psychocandyJust like your name says; fun is part of dysfunctional

"healing path is twisted" I believe that Richenda!

You are an adult now PCandy, you can hold the hand of that small child and talk to them (self hypnosis really)you can assure them and be there when that child is fearful or needs pulling back in.I wrote about this somewhere. I will try to find it. This is another part of the eternal child. I wanted to try and explain this as a healing path. Healing is not always a cure, but makes life more liveable and the capacity for forgiveness(often of self) and joy greater.

You are always spiraling up or down and you can begin to change in an instant. Desire and attention is a part as with everything. You are talking & sharing now, I doubt that you can turn back from this point without more effort than it takes to continue on this spiral up.

Psychocandy, I reackon that letting out the inner child is a part of healing. Yes it can be scary, not everything will be an 'up', I won't lie and say it makes everything better straight away. But its still worth doing, be nervous but also be hopeful, when it gets scary we are here. Never forget that we are here for you!

I am not saying this *eternal child* works for everyone, but here's a bit more. Babbling a bit, the topic does that to me

When your (U) affected "child" or adult pops up due to fear,memory,dread,loss, sress, talk to them in the way you should have been talked to. Parent yourself the way you should have been. That is impossible as a child, and improbable as an adult, but it can be done. Give yourself what you needed then and now all at the same time.

Not all can come from within yourself any more than all your needs can be net from another person.

If you enjoy children, be around them.
Normal kids,troubled kids, special needs, any kind.
It becomes very real quickly, you survived and deserved to. To see the joy, resilience and the sadness in their lives can make your history very real, if that is needed.

Many stop short of the the full emotions because angry ( or jaded) feels better than depressed. They are two sides of the same coin though IMO you need to feel both. Shutting down parts of yourself always means unintended parts are also shut down. That's the whole bad news about censorship of self. You can never be whole with a hole!

It's cliche but there is no way over or around it,you have to go straight through it. If you stop it will surround you like a long dark tunnel, only someone else has control of the lights.

If you feel surprised by things crashing in on you or feel that you are walking through sludge all the time ,in a fog you are stuck in the tunnel. It does not mean you cannot get going. There is a light at the end Just as is said about other fears ,the worst is the fear itself. Take the "inner childs" hand and lead them through as you should have been. You can do this by RL experience sometimes or meditaion & contemplation, therapy. People goof on the inner child but to me you cannot isolate an adult from the child that was harmed and expect to heal either.

I also believe there are countless paths to the same pointIf this make no sense there are other ways!

50/50 fear and excitement with something positive to gain and nothing to loose is worth going for! Fear exists either way,might as well give something new a try.