h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(Triggers: suicide attempt, wreck)

I had a severe manic episode in May of 1993, a total breakdown. I became very delusional. I had never been diagnosed as bipolar, and had no idea what was happening to me. I thought the world was ending, and therefore tried to commit suicide. I blacked out at the last minute, and was therefore not hurt. A couple days later, still totally manic, I got into a terrible wreck. The cars were totaled, but no one was seriously injured. Then I spent about a month in the hospital, enduring some very traumatic experiences there too. I have had PTSD from this for the last 10 years, but I can honestly say that every year has gotten easier and easier. This year, I am happy to report, I have almost no trauma symptoms at all. I've been reading some of the postings here, and it is dawning on me that my troubles aren't so bad. I can't believe some of the awful things people have had to live though! I've been unlucky in being bipolar, but very lucky in terms of having a loving, supportive family. I shall have to remember to keep my problems in perspective.

JEllen

Because of the way the calendar falls, today is the anniversary of both the suicide attempt and the wreck.

Hi JEllen
sounds awful, you did well to decide to stay. Having a manic phase myself at the mo, no idea if its bipolar or not. Means I have to go and be manic elsewhere now.

Would be interested in hearing what your symptoms are and how you experience them but only if you want to share.

Welcome Ellen - take care of yourself today.

Hi JEllen, it's good to finally "meet" you! I'm very glad that you're still here to talk with, and we're all here to give each other help and support. I wish I had more time to give a proper reply, but I've got to be to work in an hour... I'll be back later when I can take more time.

Meanwhile, have a lovely day, and keep on keeping on!


psychocandy

Don't you just hate those posts where someone has nothing to say except ''?

Sometimes says it all.

Welcome JEllen.

"I've been reading some of the postings here, and it is dawning on me that my troubles aren't so bad. I can't believe some of the awful things people have had to live though! I've been unlucky in being bipolar, but very lucky in terms of having a loving, supportive family. I shall have to remember to keep my problems in perspective."

PTS is not about how bad something was but how much it hurt.

More later...today is not a good day for me to be posting.

Hello Ellen and it's super to have you here as well! I have some comments. You know me already of course, but anyways. Just so other people know as well. People have all sorts of different events that befall them that for them is traumatic, and though the nature of the traumas differ, they produces the same kind of problems for the people they happen to.

You can't directly compare the severity of traumas between people. Some people may suffer serious problems from something that another person might not consider traumatic at all. For instance here in South Africa in the schools in the old days all boys were physically punished. Some took it in stride while others did not like it at all. I was one who did not like it at all, and it does still feel to me like a violation and I'll never do it to my kids if I ever had them. But what was more traumatic, for me, than having received such beatings, was that I once *gave* a boy such a beating. I had started giving class at a church school and I was in over my head. I was supposed to just be a facilitator, the lessons were supposed to be all on computers and I just had to help the kids use the computers. But when I started the work the computers did not work. So suddenly I had to prepare and give actual classes. I had difficulty doing that, mainly because the kids were very undisciplined. After a few days of this the preacher gave me a cane and told me to beat the kids who misbehaved. So I beat one kid. And just after I beat him I realised what it was that I just did. I beat him without thinking and when I finished I realised that I had violated him the way I had been violated in the past. Something in me snapped. I quit the job immediately. And I still have very serious PTS about this particular event. I cannot forgive myself and I frequently believe I have to kill myself to atone for it. This is just one thing that I did; there are many other such things that I've done in my life that were so bad that I feel I deserve to die for having done them. The knowledge of the consequences of these things that I did is unbearable.

But for some people of course it's not traumatic to do wrong things. They don't know that the things they do are wrong. There have been many teachers who have viciously beat hundreds or even thousands of boys without any qualm or any perturbation of conscience.

But anyways. That's just about the different natures of traumas. I don't think my own life was or is all that bad. There were some horrible things but there were also some great things. I really hope that I can continue to live and in some way make up for what I did wrong.

Anyways, Ellen, I can identify with becoming delusional because that's precisely what happened to me. And in my own case it was a very traumatic thing to have lived through, especially after it was over and I could clearly think about what happened and how it affected me and other people. I think you are doing really great by having recovered so well. From what I've come to know of you you seem to me like you're very OK now, and that's great.

Hi JEllen, no work today so now I've got more time to give you the proper greeting you deserve!

I agree wholeheartedly with what Richenda and Willem have said... it's not about what happened or how bad it was, but how it affected you and how much it hurts. Surviving a bad auto wreck is a very harrowing experience, and can be quite devastating. Yesterday must have been a really rough day for you, being the anniversary of your wreck and suicide attempt. I am so very glad that you're still here with us, JEllen!

I think it might be hard for people like us to "keep things in perspective" without succumbing to the temptation to trivialise our experiences and the effect they have on us.



---------------
Willem,

> " I cannot forgive myself and I frequently believe I have to kill myself to atone for it. This is just one thing that I did; there are many other such things that I've done in my life that were so bad that I feel I deserve to die for having done them. The knowledge of the consequences of these things that I did is unbearable."

There's a feeling that I can relate to, guilt for things I've done and the need for atonement. There's nothing you could have done that you deserve to die for, no matter what it was, but yes, it is unbearable living with certain things we've done, I understand your feeling that way.

You've frightened me by saying that you feel you deserve to die, though. I don't want anything to happen to you.

Don't worry Psychocandy like I said above there are other ways of atoning, such as trying to make the world better with the life I have left. I'm going to have to do a hell of a lot of better-making though. As for deserving to die, maybe I do deserve to die, but maybe I also deserve to live and make up for it in a different way ... I didn't want to frighten anybody, that's just the way I feel and I've been feeling that way for long now, and still managing to cope. My point was just that that sort of thing was very traumatic for me but not for other people, and I tend to be stricter on myself than on other people, and maybe it's also this same sort of thing that cause people to think they are lucky while other people are really bad off. But I think there shouldn't be all of this badness in the world. Properly, everywhere, us humans should get our act together and stop treating each other like garbage, and start to learn about the importance of mental health and when that happens there will be many less people traumatised in these various ways, and those that still are would also get much better help much easier.

I agree, people need to start treating each other decently. There would be a lot less pain in the world then.

I'm struggling with my own guilt... it's going to be a rough couple of weeks. Two weeks from today (Memorial Day weekend) will be the 7-year "anniversary" of my wreck. It's also the day of my best friend's wedding, in which I am standing up. God, could she have picked a worse day... and how selfish am I for thinking that way? I always feel this nagging guilt, but over the next couple of weeks it's going to get worse. I hope to god I don't snap on anyone.

>>It's also the day of my best friend's wedding, in which I am standing up. God, could she have picked a worse day... and how selfish am I for thinking that way? <<

Psychocandy, I know almost exactly how you feel. Because most of my delusions where religious in nature, my suicide attempt occured in a church. I told some of my family about this attempt and where it took place, but some I did not. So a few years later, when my brother (who did not know) got married, what church did he pick? You guessed it, the very church. To make matters worse, I had one of my manic episodes just a few weeks before the wedding. So I was in a very fragile state, and just couldn't attend. I never told my brother precisely why. I did attend the reception, at a different location, and had a wonderful time.

Willem, and others, I think you are right about not trivializing my trauma, and how different things affect different people. I did indeed have severe flashbacks for a number of years. All kinds of things would trigger it, even things as apparently innocuous as white roses. While I was so delusional, I had violent altercations with policemen and hospital staff. It was a long time before I could see a policeman without out breaking out in a sweat. And churchs, oh my, I couldn't go near them for years. Cried uncontrollably when I did. I wrote an account of all my experiences as part of my therapy, and because I just wanted a record of what had happened. I also made a whole series of very large collages representing what had happened to me. That helped too. Not all of my delusions were bad - some were quite nice. For example, I was convinced that I was Douglas Adams' fiancee. Good thing I didn't know about h2g2 during my manic episode, I would have posted some very strange stuff.

JEllen

Hi JEllen and everybody.

It seems like church and religion can be a trigger in itself. The coincidences of events all happening in the same church is mind-boggling. How weird and how awful, to have to act so normal in such circumstances.

Well my manic episode has passed. The reason JEllen that I would love to hear about your experiences of manicness etc is that I am trying to learn what my problems are. Obviously I would also like to understand what you go through and learn about your problems, then maybe I can empathise and help a little more.

I go between normal, happy getting happier, to complete manic, then let down, depression and back round again. I am lucky that my manic state only lasts hours or a day at most, but I cannot control it, or know how to deal with it. Its like being in the control of an alien presence. I realise that my symptoms are nothing compared to being bipolar, but I wonder if there are many stages between 'normal' and bipolar and is it possible I have a very small degree of it? I have to ask like this as my doctor is not interested in helping. Initially back in 1999 my abdominal and vaginal pain was diagnosed as food poisoning because the british are dirty, i was told!! We now know it was vv, but it took me till 2002 to get a diagnosis.

Hope everyone is okay today, take care all

Hi JEllen, Kaz, and everyone! Hope you're all doing as well as you can.

I would also be interested in hearing of your experiences with manic-ness. I'd like to be able to understand better and empathise more as well. I can't imagine being manic for days at a time. You guys are amazing for being able to carry on in spite of it.

Oddly enough I've been thinking a bit this morning about how religion and church might be triggers in themselves. JEllen, I can imagine how horrible the idea of being in the same church would have been for you, and I'm glad you didn't go, but were able to enjoy the reception. Were you later able to communicate to your brother why you couldn't be there (as he didn't know previously), and hopefully there were no hard feelings?

I wish I'd had the courage to speak up earlier this year and tell my friend I'm not sure how good a job I can do standing up for her wedding on that day. It's not a church wedding, but then, neither was mine. It's hard enough for me to get through Memorial Day weekend as it is, but I've managed in the past couple of years to even enjoy myself a bit (then feel guilty about it later!). What's tearing me apart from the inside is the idea of actually participating in a wedding on the anniversary of my own husband's death. It's too late now, I've got to do it, but I'm not at all confident I'll get through without a breakdown.

Psychocandy, it is very rough the wedding landing on that day for you. I don't suppose it would help turn that day into one with better memories, to transform its energy? I'm not sure I could cope with it though, if you do decide you can't help on the day, then better tell your friend sooner rather than later. If you decide that you can do it though, then anything that we can do on that day to make it easier for you, then let us know.

What a dilemna for you

You're right, Kaz, it would help to turn my memories of the day into good ones. I'm so happy for my friend finding such a wonderful guy to share her life with, it's so good to see her happy now instead of lonely. It's a huge honor to me to have been asked to participate, and I so want to contribute happiness to her special day.

And you know, I realise it is possible now for me to grieve for what was lost in the past without denying myself the opportunity to be loved in the present and in the future. I think I survived that accident for a reason, and it wasn't to spend the rest of my life on emotional autopilot and punishing myself for living.

I do believe that what I'd like from everyone here is help keeping myself focused on the here and now, the fact that I don't have to feel guilty for being alive and for wanting to be loved. I think I'm ready and willing to feel alive on the inside again, even if it hurts at times. Better to feel a range of emotion than to feel nothing at all, right?

Thank you for helping me to not internalise this and to focus on the positive. I'm starting to think that with help from you guys, I might just be able to cope after all.

Well done Psychocandy, go get em girl!!

You have every right to enjoy life, we all do. Never forget that, enjoy without guilt. We are here cheering you on.

Thanks, Kaz. I'm not at all confident I'll be feeling so brave tomorrow or the next day... but it helps to know I've got you all to lean on if (what do I mean if, of course I really mean when!) I need you.

So here I am going on and on about myself again, how rude! ... How is everyone else doing this week?

Hello Everybody! Me, I've just gone through a major 'down' period. I phased out for a few hours a couple of nights ago. But then I got back up. I noticed then that the moon was almost full ... probably past the full moon. I'm not sure about which phase of the moon it's supposed to be, I only know that whenever I find myself looking at the moon it seems to be full. Can't remember when I last saw a sickle-moon. Like I said in Richenda's thread, where she tells about it being the anniversary of her friend Bonnie's death, that for me my bad times seem to coincide with the full moon, rather than calendar anniversaries.

This whole subject of anniversaries of traumas is a rather interesting one. Several friends of mine experience it. Me, I don't so much exept for a few cases. But, mainly, the difference is maybe that I see every year as a new thing. I don't see a year as being a repetition of a previous year. Every date to me is a new date, a unique thing that in itself doesn't remind me of other things. In my view there is no such thing as a day of a year being 'the same date' as another day of a different year. And anyways I see the calendar as an artificial thing. If ever I found that I have a problem with 'anniversaries' I would simply switch, in my mind, to a different calendar. For instance how about the ancient Roman calendar! It's the one I prefer. It starts with the foundation of Rome in 754 BC so now it's the year 2757. And there are ten months ... Martius, Aprilis, Maius, Junius, Quintilis, Sextilis, September, October, November, December, followed by a long period of undated days in Winter (northern Hemisphere) or Summer (Southern Hemisphere) before the next year starts on a new 1 Martius which doesn't fall on 1 March but on the (northern) Vernal Equinox, our March 21! Or the Islamic calendar or the Jewish calendar or the Chinese calendar or the Mayan calendar or something like that. It might be quite a lot of fun to find out about different calendars.

Well if not helpful I hope the above is at least interesting!

Psychocandy, by all means we'll try and help you stay in the present! Keep us posted on how you're holding up.

Hi again, Willem, good to see you again! I'm sorry to hear you've been down, but am glad that you're back up again now. I think of you often (along with everyone else here) and wonder how you're doing.

As far as the full moon goes... seems to me that a lot of bad things coincide with it. People are a lot nastier and weirder, or at least it seems that way to me.

I'm holding up quite well, for the most part. Kaz really helped to motivate me to develop a new perpsective on things. I really am trying, and I appreciate all of the help.