h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am not writing much here now, but I will, this will take some doing.

For now the bare bones, sexually abused by dad from 11 to 16. Then in hospital ill and never felt right since. Went to Uni and screwed around, thought I was empowering myself, but ended up getting raped by someone who said they would kill my boyfriend to have me. Also started being agorophobic, which stuffed up lectures.

Ended up with Malcolm in Plymouth, he was hurt too, thought we could help each other, quite the opposite. Started cutting myself a lot, drinking bottles of whisky to pass out. Tried work, civil service/office work, always at the bottom, even though I often helped out the levels 3/4 above me. breakdown.

Met Moonglum, visited him in Croydon, went home, couldn't bare it and moved him with him. He has given me space and after 7 years I feel I can start to live my life, thats Kazs life, not the abused life.

Last year started yoga and exploring buddhism, it changed the way I live my life. Then I had a breakdown, lost some friends over it and had the almightyist row with parents. Dad canot remember doing it, but they have agreed to believe that it happened for me, so that they can try to be sensitive to my needs.

I am finally able to get outdoors more, at the time of the breakdown my agorophobia was impossible. not so long ago, my back went, had to lie down for weeks. Nothing wrong except muscle tension which stopped me from moving, even valium didn't relax the muscles enough for me to be able to move.

Know more active, losing some weight (13 stone, I used to be skinny, agorophbia makes you put on weight!), ready to face the world a little. Thinking of trying to work as a moderator, I cannot think of working outside, it has to be from home.

Recently married, changed my birth name to assert own identity. Feeling stronger, more protected but fragile. Did my back go for psychological reasons, so scared, so tense I couldn't walk?

Oh and I have vulval vestibulitis, article on my page, will put link in later. This did mean I had not had sex since 1999, however earlier this year, we did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was gutted I hadn't had sex on our honeymoon, I know its a cliche, but it upset me. Moonglum is so sweet, I know hes gagging for it!!

Oh, that was meant to be the bones of it! I guess I really needed to talk!

After writing the above I felt a bit tearful, but went out anyway. There was no feelings of agorophobia at all. So I am making progress, well I'm pleased anyway!

Well its 19 hours since I poured my heart out, and nothing

I guess I'm being self-centered, egocentric and paranoid again, but why did no-one reply? Could it be they saw the trigger and are feeling too delicate? Or maybe nobody cares and is bored of me - oh I see thats paranoia isn't it?!

Maybe I wrote it so well theres nothing left to say.

Kaz, you poured your heart out which took real courage and people do care very much. It might be that they're going through stuff too, as I've been hence my quietness - besides many other members are all tucked up in bed.

You've probably triggered yourself really badly by this release, so lots of there/then feelings are going to have come back. Worthless, neglected, unloved, THEN. You are loved NOW, but if there's a time when it's going to be hardest to tell, it's when you're re-feeling the past.
It's hard to express, I know. I rarely make the effort, but I know one trick which is to '3rd-personalise' - feel your adult feelings for the child you were when those things happened. ing angry, I don't doubt. Find some way to get it out.

I understand you'd feel all those things again, I've been there and with the internet being the fragile means of communication it is, there's plenty of room for absence of communication and ressurections that feeling of undeservedness of love, and neglect.

Make sure Moonglum is taking care of you through this, but take it easy on yourself, and treat yourself today. You're worth it, and now you have to find ways to prove it to yourself.

Take care,

C

Funnily enough I am fine, I have poured out enough anger, not to want to do it any more. I was always angry and I have had enough of that.

I know people are going through their own stuff, but I thought that by pouring out my paranoia, I could understand it better and maybe even laugh at it. I really did feel all that, its quite bizarre.

I don't want people to feel guilty for not replying yet, I am happy to wait. I would like a little input later when people are ready.

My main reason for wanting input, is that Moonglum has shown me I can have a strange view of myself and the world, which I need to change. I wonder if that view comes across here. You know the old feeling guilty for standing up and for myself and feeling a failure because I don't work etc.

If anyone needs to talk to me about their stuff, please come to me, I don't need to talk about me at the mo. I told my story for solidarity! I am ready and able if anyone needs me.

Hi,Kaz

I read your posting last night around midnight... I didn't respond at the time because I'd just gotten in from working over 12 hours and was quite exhausted. Didn't want to leave a half-assed response out of tiredness and come across as uncaring or insensitive. Probably should've at least let you know I planned on coming back this morning. Especially since I understand all too well how bad it feels when trying to communicate things via internet and not getting any response from people. I'm going to stop checking my e-mail altogether for precisely that reason... no one ever bothers to reply anyway. I'm really sorry I didn't reply now, because it made you feel bad, and I really do care about you a lot, Kaz.

I don't think you have a strange view of yourself and the world... but that may be because I have the same view and mine is equally off? Although I don't know what agoraphobia is like, I can certainly understand why you'd have it. I do know the old feeling guilty for standing up for yourself and feeling a failure for not working (and half the time even when I have been working, failure anyway). I do think you're a wonderful, beautiful person, and hope I can help you to feel it more in some way.

Vulval vestibulitis is something I was unfamiliar with.. I've just read some information on it this morning and it sounds absoutely horrible. Have you had much luck with doctors being sympathetic and understanding at all? I know they can be so pigheaded about things, epsecially when there's no known cause, or of they think it's "all in your head". Not many of the methods commonly used for treatment sound very good to me, I do hope that something can be done to help at least alleviate your pain (if you want, that is). I'm glad you've got a good guy like Moonglum who understands...

I don't doubt for a minute that your back going out from so much tension could have been "psychological", at least in part if not altogether. When we're really scared, when the s**t is really hitting the fan, why wouldn't the body take measures to ensure we'll be safe, even if that means rendering us immobile? Nothing bad can happen to you if you don't move, right? Then again, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box, so that's mere speculation.

And I do understand what you mean about getting things out and feeling better for it. Thanks for pouring your heart out, I'm honored to have the chance to care for and empathise with you. I'm not sure how good I am at giving input, to be honest, there's a part inside me that starts to shut down when I think of yourself and the others here being hurt. I don't know why it happens but it does. But solidarity sounds good to me, too.

Kaz,



I can empathize with you and I should have posted when I first read your post.

In the way of an excuse...After hanging one on, driving 25 miles home (in a condition I shouldn't have been behind the wheel), and popping a few pain killers, I had just a bit of a hangover and it was just a tad hard to respond.

Although I was never sexual abused by a parent, I certainly was by a former spouse. Rape does not have to be done by a stranger (but I have experience with that also).

I, too, have found a solemate who has put up with me for 15 years.

It is wonderful that you can start getting out again. After being raped, it took me 20 years to feel less uncomfortable in crowds..and I'm still working on it. I still have a hard time being touched. My solice was walking by myself in the woods. If I couldn't do that, I think I would have lost it completely.

Sweetie, please don't be offended if you don't get an immediate response. We ARE all here for each other. Give us time to get our brains in gear before our fingers start typing.

Thank you Psychocandy and Richenda

I do understand that you have lives outside h2g2, and different time zones as well!

I wanted to verbalize my paranoia, so that I could see it concrete in front of me. I was also thinking that maybe you were all punishing me because I hadn't replied to one of your messages.

Do you see what I mean, its quite ridiculous, but its the way I can get. Its also quite unreasonable. Is it something anyone else suffers from, can it be halted? You know its quite embarrassing seeing it here, but good for me because I can see how unreasonable it is.

Thank you everyone for caring, I am fine, I will let you know if I really need help by writing urgent a lot. At the moment though I am happy to read any feedback if and when you have the time. Oh and any advice about the paranoia, before I go silly again!!

Just a thought....

One thing good about these postings is we can go back and see our progress...it may not be linear, but it is there. It wasn't too long ago that none of us were posting. As our comfort levels increase, so will our trust and so will our healing.

"You've come a long way babe"

Paranoia? Who me?
(oops - gotten - here comes the boss )

I think I'm a bit paranoid too. I'm probably horribly oversensitive, but I do feel the same way- like I'm being punished, I'm boring and unlovable, I'm not worth talking to- when I don't hear from people when I'd like to. Even worse... I don't usually realise that what I'm feeling *is* paranoia- it seems perfectly reasonable to feel this way. You didn't sound paranoid or unreasonable to me... maybe we can help each other to recognise when it's happening, and figure out how to halt it?

Every time I begin to feel like I've made some progress, I realise how much further I have to go. Will I *ever* be normal?

If you ever need help or to talk urgently, you can ring me any time. I've got your number, but I'll pass mine along via your e-mail as well. I'm not always good at verbalising things but I can be a good listener... sometimes I'm a regular chatterbox, though, and need to be told to stifle.

Hi Richenda, it will be fun when we are finally all paragons of mental healthiness to look back at this lot!

Psychocandy, remember I am in Britain and you are in the U.S., that could make phone calls expensive. Its cool to hear from someone else paranoid as well, it means we will understand each other! As for being normal, don't ever get too normal, you'll be boring!!

Hiya Kaz! Sorry for not responding until now. My internet is expensive during the week so I try to limit myself to the weekends. I just read your posting and thanks for writing it. I just want to say, I'm not capable of giving a meaningful response right now ... it's past nine at night and the creeping horrors are starting up again. I'll try and write something on Sunday! All the best to you all.

Kaz, I too was diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis. Here's what I posted on your entry:

I was diagnosed with vulvar vestibulitis a few years ago. The pain came on suddenly, and was quite severe. I was afraid I might have a ruptured appendix or something, because my whole abdomen hurt. I went to the emergency room, but the doctor there was not very helpful. I screamed out loud when the doctor examined me, but he said he couldn't find anything wrong. I then went to see my gynecologist. He touched me with a q-tip in the vulvar area, and it hurt. That's when he realized it was vulvar vestibulitis. He gave me some cream to apply, but that didn't help at all. He also put me on calcium citrate, which has worked for me. The pain decreased gradually over the next few months. I still have an occasional flareup, usually during a period, but for the most part I have been pain free for the last couple years. Kaz, ask your doctor about calcium supplements; it has to be the citrate form. And good luck to anyone who is struggling with this illness. It can get better - I'm proof.

Hi Willem, don't worry about it, I may come across as needy and demanding some times, but I am okay at the mo. Having a manic phase now and its not nice.

JEllen, its encouraging to find someone else with that condition. My doctor didn't think the abdominal pain was associated but obviously yours did. Calcium citrate what strength is it and do you take pill form? Thank you for your post will be back when less manic.

Welcome JEllen It's been a long time. Good to hear from you again.

Chris

Hi Kaz, Psychocandy, Richenda, Ellen and Krispy! Hope you're all as well as can be expected. OK it's Sunday morning now and I can give you some serious attention Kaz! Opening your heart like you did above, and like I hope you will do some more whenever you feel the need, is indeed great for creating solidarity between us. Like the others I can also relate to your story. I had various traumas in my childhood and youth and also when I got to University it became a mess and too much for me. I also ended up self-injuring and drinking till I passed out. I also tried lots of different things, lots of jobs that didn't work out. I also had two breakdowns while on a job. I've still not any clear direction in my life. I'm only now starting to find out what I'm really passionate about and what I'm really good at. The process of rebuilding my life has gone on for very long now ... ever since 1992 when at last I realised that something was indeed seriously wrong ... and I've made great progress ... but even so, I'm not really leading my own life yet. I'm still very much enchained by the past and I know that I'll have to do a great deal of work still to release myself from all these chains and free me to be the best 'I' that I can really be. In that sense you may have come a lot farther if by now you feel you can now really start living your life. I've also had a change of religious beliefs. I was raised in a very conservative Calvinistic church. What I was taught in that church was very bad and it took me a long time to even realise that I should break with it and it took me longer still to effect this break. I only finally severed the link about three years ago. In the process I also investigated other religions like Buddhism but right now I'm not adhering to any official mainstream religion ... rather I have taken the elements that I consider 'most true' in various religions, and some of my own conclusions about God and the nature of people and the Universe and combined it into my own idiosyncratic religion. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but that's were I am right now. I'm not really agoraphobic ... but I don't like noisy crowds and I also stay in the house most times. I mostly like being alone and in quiet surroundings. I do want friendships but I seem to not be doing enough to make and keep friends. I recognise it as something I should work on. Just yesterday I made a point of going to visit some friends and I'll try to visit some other friends soon. It's not necessary that I spend all my time socialising ... I could never do that ... but to at least make some time for it. It's OK for me if I can just spend a couple of hours with each friend a few times each year. I do have friendships still going where we see each other only once in a few years. I also could only see myself as working from 'home'. I need a place to consider 'home', a place where I feel safe. I feel very unsafe in unfamiliar places. In this country, at least, this fear is justified. I would like personally to work to help build a society where people could feel safer in a greater number of places, including at home. Then I also have had problems and pains in my body. I had fibromyalgia which affected almost my whole body. I had frequent headaches and muscle pains and spasms in my neck, shoulders and back, and also in my elbows, wrists, knees and ankles. Also lots of different problems and pains of my private parts. At the moment I didn't believe so, but now I believe that a lot of it was 'psychological' ... not in the sense that it was just in my imagination, but in the sense that it was problems in my mind that became problems in my body, because the body is ruled by the mind. I've really noticed that people who have suffered serious traumas usually have similar sorts of physical health problem as well and this could in my view be tied to the traumas. Even if there are concrete factors such as viruses or injuries. In my case as I've become psychologically better, I've also become physically better. Apart from the above pains I used

Hi Willem, I will think about your comments and come back later, but I did pick up on your question on whether I need to be needed. Its usually quite the opposite, I will happily be there for a friend if they are in trouble. However I have found that by putting out one kind word suddenly you can have people latching onto you.

It happened recently, we had both been sexually abused during childhood and we bonded a little, then she started ringing constantly saying she was about to turn up at the door with a bottle of wine, she wrote poems and had them framed for me, and she insisted on giving me hugs all the time. I used to hug a lot, but as I have learnt more about the world and myself I have had to pull back, I realised a hug can give the wrong impression and I don't want these days to be intimate with other people. She usually gets very drunk and her hugs result in thngs going flying, my glasses being pushed into my eye sockets painfully etc. I don't want her coming round, she always stinks of smoke and makes me cough, I am asthmatic, and home is my sanctuary, if she starts turning up with bottles of wine at random times, I will have lost that. She knew I was agorophobic and said she would turn up and drag me out somewhere so that I could get out, well with my agorophobia I know how to treat it and how to get out the door without being traumatised and being dragged out by a drunk isn't it.

So that is what can happen when you bond over suffering and give a kind word, they become a part of your life and you have to stop going to all social gatherings where they are because you don't want to be grabbed and have yet another panic attack.

h2g2 is good, I can help when my mind lets me and we all have some distance, because sharing things like this can make you feel vulnerable and needy and make you go off the deep end.

There is a good group here and I would like to devote some time to being there when it is needed, but I cannot do it for everyone who joins, I don't want to spread myself too thin. I cannot care deeply for every abused person who may turn up, I may sound callous but I know my limits. If I feel too threatened I will just leave, I don't want to respond in old ways so I hope it all goes well.

Bonding here is safe at the moment, I like to help a little as it takes my mind of me, and reminds me I am not the only one hurting. But I need my distance, I need my safe space.

You know Willem I think we touched a nerve here!! I hope I don't come across as mean, do others understand what I mean?

Boy Kaz I think we did! I did pick up something and though my suspicion was not spot-on I'm glad I asked the question and your response was very interesting ... it's certainly something to think about. You're not mean, Kaz, you just recognise the need to protect yourself in certain ways. It's a good thing to recognise. But it's probably going to be a constant task to not drift too far towards the one extreme or the other, because there are dangers at both extremes and you might find yourself in circumstances that you seemingly can't control and that seem to be 'pushing' you in the one direction or the other. 'We' or your supposed 'friends' might even be the ones unwittingly doing it. So anyways thanks for having said that, because now we all know it and we'll try not to do it!

Hi Willem, I have to learn though don't I? I need to learn to trust suitable people, and to learn that all people are the same. I really think there are some great people here and that this is the ideal situation to learn how to be with people.

Hi Kaz,

"So that is what can happen when you bond over suffering and give a kind word, they become a part of your life and you have to stop going to all social gatherings where they are because you don't want to be grabbed and have yet another panic attack."

Have you ever tried approaching this person and telling her your needs and how this type of behavior makes you feel? Sometimes you need to risk expressing yourself, even if it is at the 'expense' of hurting someone else.

It's ok to think of yourself first...but sometimes its d*mn hard. This is a problem that I am working on first hand this week...and quite honestly, it is the hardest one I have tackled so far.