h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I just want to request something here, and simultaneously I want to commit myself to the same thing that I'm requesting. It is merely this: that we be kind to each other. We have here the beginnings of a Survivor's Group ... a few people who have serious problems ... we can be supportive of each other, but there is also the possibility of conflicts between us. I just wish to ask that we try and avoid such conflicts becoming nasty. This place should be a safe environment for us all. If we disagree, let us please try to not let things degenerate into bickering, mutual insults, bitterness or suchlike... worst of all let it not degenerate to the point where we are triggering and retraumatising each other. This can happen if we don't make an effort to prevent it from happening. Let us try to remain respectful towards each other, always ... we are different people, in different situations, we have different problems, different ways in which to cope, different ideas ... we are all inherently capable people, we all have much experience, but we all also have much to learn. So I'm just asking we all keep that in mind always, and treat each other kindly, considerately, and respectfully. Also I ask that we try and be patient with each other. In my own case for instance I know that I get triggered or retraumatised or otherwise severely disturbed/upset by certain things that for other people seem to be no big deal. Somebody could therefore unintentionally and unknowingly say something that sets me off . I'm therefore resolving that I will try my best to guard myself against being set off unintentionally like this ... I'll do my best to keep myself from becoming severely upset with anybody here. I therefore also commit myself to what I'm asking others to commit themselves to ... I commit myself to being considerate and kind and respectful towards everybody here. Can I ask if others are willing to do this, if they think it's a good idea?

I'm also willing to commit to doing the best I can to demonstrate compassion and understanding towards everyone. Being kind, showing respect, and being considerate are things I work hard at in daily life, and I certainly try to do it here.

Hopefully, I've not said anything as of yet that has hurt, triggered, or re-traumatised anyone else... if I have, it wasn't done deliberately or out of lack of consideration, and I apologise. I'm here to give and receive help, compassion and understanding... for the first time, I've found some people who actually understand to some degree how I'm feeling, and why I feel this way, and vice versa. I'm grateful to you all for that, and hope I can help in return in some way.

I'm also going to (try) check my own tendency to oversensitivity, and do my best not to allow myself to be set off and upset by anybody else as well. While I'm not often nasty or disagreeable towards others, I realise there's potential to inadvertently hurt someone, and I definitely don't want that to happen.

I quite agree. Perhaps we could start a separate thread where we list our triggers. That way we would be less likely to accidentally stumble over someone else’s trigger. All postings then could have trigger warning at the top. If you saw something listed that you found triggering, you would know not to read the post unless you felt extremely well grounded. In theory this can work while we remain small. Since I am still finding my triggers, seeing what triggers others may help me before I stumble into something I can’t handle.

Bickering, mutual insults and the like do not belong here. This is a support group. We are all going to have good days and bad days. I suggest strongly that when we are having a bad day we be extra careful in what we post.

It is quite possible that each one of us feels what they experienced to be the most devastating. Keep in mind, there are degrees to everything. Each one of us responds to ‘pain’ differently. We have all been abused in someway. Let’s leave further abuse on the other side of the keyboard.

Richenda, I really like your idea of having a thread where we all can list our triggers. Now if I only knew exactly what my triggers are...

Also, I will endeavor from this point on to always include trigger warnings in my posts. Sorry for not having done so thus far.

LOL (since I don't know my triggers either)

LOL (since I don't know my triggers either)



I, too, had to be reminded of trigger warnings out here...and I belong to several other support boards.

I don't really now what this trigger stuff is all about. Obviously any mention of child abuse/incest is difficult, but it doesn't trigger me to do anything.

Kaz,

Trigger warnings let the reader know the type of content of the posting. They are used to avoid causing someone distress. For example, I have a hard time handling anything relating to rape. Knowing a posting refers to that subject helps me decide on whether it is an 'appropriate' time to read the post. One of my other support boards refers to it as being grounded. If you are not having a particularly good day, it is better to avoid the post and come back to it at a better time. Reading about rape without being grounded generally causes me to withdraw, and if I'm really not grounded, it triggers all types of nasty thoughts about self-worth, self-harm, etc.

My friend David Conway wrote an article here about what triggers are ... I'll give a link in the next posting.

By now I manage my triggers fairly well. We're speaking about triggers in written communication, that is, which would be relevant to our conversations here on h2g2.

I sometimes get 'set off' by references to alcohol-and-other-drug abuse. I'm not much of a fan of it. When I stumble upon somebody casually talking about using recreational drugs I get an automatic and involuntary 'fight or flight' reaction, for real. I actually can feel the adrenaline being squirted into my veins and it feels as if I've swallowed a great glop of cold mercury that drops straight down through my innards and I have the urge either to lash out aggressively at the person who said it or to avoid that person for the rest of my life. I'm still trying to figure out just why I have this incredibly strong reaction. I'm managing to tone it down a bit but it's still there. It may have something to do with the fact that the first time I ever read about drugs was when I was a small and impressionable child and it was a story of a young unwed mother who got drunk and stoned totally out of her head and had horrific hallucinations of a native kind of small African Incubus-devil and imagined that her baby was this devil and she then killed the baby. I went a bit mad after reading that story. But anyways, that's one sort of verbal 'trigger' for myself, and it's the worst, I'll think a bit about what to say about the others ... let me just get that link first.

Here's the link - Post-Traumatic Stress Related Triggers

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/plain/A615061

I haven't noticed that written words especially trigger me... I'm usually triggered by physiological things, such as people shouting at me (it's not the words, it's the raised voice which sets me off), being in too close of proximity to strangers, or if someone comes up on me from behind. It was a friend running up behind me and grabbing my shoulder which resulted in my punching through that window last month. I'd actually swung at her defensively, and missed. I also can't drive a car any more, although I do fairly well as a passenger- you'd think it'd be the opposite.




I've never experienced a dissociative state (at least none that I'm aware of) or anything like that, I get brutal panic attacks. Sometimes it's that 'fight-or-flight' reaction. Other times it's considerably worse. I had one so bad this past winter, I had to be admitted to the hospital.

Nothing I've read here so far has triggered any panic attacks or anything. I've read most of everyone's journal entries, though, and some of them touch on things which are very difficult for me to read. Then again, for me, I think that's a good thing. I've been so adamant for so long about not needing anyone's help or pity, maybe experiencing someone else's pain will help me to acknowledge my own? Heck, I've got an entry in my own journal that I have a hard time reading... and didn't think to include trigger warnings when I posted it, of course.

If I was feeling vulnerable then I wouldn't read anything on this conversation, as it is full of pain. Its not my way to pour my heart out, then go back re-reading it to find the triggers that can set other people off. The responsibility is far too much, what if I forget to put rape or incest or whatever, and someone reads it who is vulnerable and then cuts themselves. I cannot be me and be honest if this is the way to work it, so I would like to withdraw from the group.

I'm only just stopping from cutting impulses myself without having to put trigger words on every paragraph. It scares the thingys out of me, this trigger thing, so definately not for me. I live in a very self-absorbed world being agorophobic and getting over my stuff, how can I guess what could trigger and hold the responsibility for whether it sets someone off or not?

I hope I won't offend or upset anyone if I say that I can understand both perpsectives. While I'm not likely to be set off by anything anyone else says here, I wouldn't want my words to cause someone else distress, so I'm more than happy to add trigger warnings to my postings here. I can understand where Kaz is coming from, too, though.

Kaz, I've only just begun talking with you, but a lot of things you've said resonate with and encourage me. I'd hate to lose out on the opportunity to hear what you have to say, and to possibly help each other out if we can.

Everyone else, I hope the fact that I see both sides doesn't make me a devil's advocate or anything... I don't want to alienate anyone or jeopardise potential friendships, I just want to be supportive towards everyone...

Kaz,

I assume this board is helping you. Don't leave. I would rather take my chances reading something you posted and didn't mark as trigger warning. My solution, only read board when well-grounded.

Kaz, please don't go! We're still just talking with each other and deciding which way our policy would go! You're not responsible for triggering people or not ... people who are here, who *come* here, must expect that they are going to read disturbing stuff here, because after all this *is* a survivors group and we *are* supposed to talk about our stuff! Maybe the best thing we can do is just to have a 'general' warning here which warns people not to read when they're feeling vulnerable and this warning could include the facts that there will be talk here of incest, rape, physical abuse, etc. It is not mainly the responsibility of people who write to not trigger other people, it is also the responsibility of the people who *read* to try and make sure they're not triggered too badly. Trigger management is first and foremost the responsibility of the person who has the triggers. At any rate I just also want to add that so far nothing that has been said here has really been seriously upsetting to me either. I'm managing my own triggers fairly well. I think this is so for everybody who's here at the moment. I think we should discuss whether a 'general trigger warning' would not be the best way to go, then people who talk here, can talk freely, their hearts out, and not worry. Read again what I said in the first posting ... that I commit myself to guard myself so that I do not become seriously upset by what anyone says here. It is a form of 'trigger management' where the primary responsibility is with me as the 'reader' which is what I want to recommend for other readers also. Comments?

Another thing I just thought of ... instead of 'specific' trigger warnings, maybe we could just do this ... when one of us is feeling especially bad and wants to talk it out s/he might just post a general warning like this ... and not mind the details. How about that?

I think sometimes people might need to come and just talk about their own stuff, without too much from other people about their stuff, until they are over the crisis point.

Does that make sense?

Yes, Kaz, it makes perfect sense! Anyways, have you decided to stay around for now?

The idea I have is that each 'member' should have his/her own thread ... like I started my own thread, introducing myself, and speaking a bit about my own problems. So you could also start your own thread, and Krispy Kreme, Psychocandy and Richenda theirs (by the way Krispy Kreme where are you?). The idea being that in your own thread you can talk your heart out about your own stuff and if other people post there they should be sensitive to you and not overwhelm you with *their* stuff ... that they leave for their own threads. We should be sensitive to how 'critical' things are going with each other ... when things are 'critical' be a bit more sensitive, in that person's thread, but when things are OK people can talk more freely.

Also I want that we should have here a 'Good Stuff' area where we can talk about really positive things ... I have personally a great lot of totally positive things I'd like to share.

I like both of those ideas, Willem, for the reasons that Kaz and yourself have said. It'd be helpful to everyone, I think, to just be able to vent their "stuff" when need be, and offer help and support for each other's "stuff" seperately, when they are able. If that makes sense... I can't seem to articulate my thoughts very well today.

Having a "good stuff" thread would be wonderful! I'd love to hear your positive things, and lately have had lots of positive feelings just bursting to get out, too. I absolutely love that idea!

Sounds good!