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Craig is a Master, Bathroom Tiler..

Or so he likes to think..

As he superglues on crooked tiles..

Round the bath and round the Sink !!


He tells customers that his company..

'Features widely on TV..'

But forgets, to somehow mention..

'Rogue Traders' Episode.. 23 !!


And 24.. And 36..

For he also Tarmacs Drives..

He's a Qualified Electrician..

His fake certificate.. Implies !


He's a paid up member of the Guild..

Of Craftsmen.. UK Wide..

But greets inquisitive TV crews..

With Rottweiler.. at his Side..


The 'Certificate's Proof of Craftsmanship'
..
Or so he's always Said..

He obtained it for a fiver..

Down his local.. the Bulls Head !


Outstanding 'Reputation for Quality'..

Really must be Heard..

But.. Membership number of said Guild..

Is conveniently.. Blurred !


With 'AAA111BetterJob Ltd'..

Full page ad for all to see..

He plays 'Yellow Page Advert' Brinkmanship..

With a worthless.. 250 year Guarantee !


On all his work, including fences..

Erected in just Hours..

That flop about in the slightest breeze..

And Worry... border Flowers !


He told the Motorcycle TV Crew..

No explanation that they Like..

For how his van jumped into gear..

And reversed right over their Bike !


His Solicitor.. 'Grease my Palm' Harry..

Just quotes God.. and actions of the Lord..

Then fobs them off with advice to sue..

The Transit manufacture.. Ford !


To minimise initial outlay..

The bathroom waste, is with a Smile..

All funnelled into just one pipe..

Which seems to work well... for a While..


Craig once took on an apprentice..

But was not much of a Teacher..

As he proudly flushed out the loo..

And got an unusual.. Shower tray Water Feature !


So.. if you have a Rich relative..

Who's Sitting on some Cash..

Maybe a right old Coffin Dodger..

You'd like to cleanly.. Dispatch..


To simply Liquidate that Inheritance..

Craig really is your Man..

Just get him round to give a quote..

On a Stannah stairlift...


For your Gran !


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