I recently discovered the new movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, in which a Greek family believes that any ailment of the body, be it a scratch or a rash, can be cured by the cleaning product Windex. I had to investigate further, so for a few weeks I tested Windex on (almost) everything that can happen to a person short of death. The results and tests are (almost¹) completely true and they may surprise you.

Tests

Test A: Research

On the Windex website under Frequently Asked Questions, the website designers fail to address the issue of magical healing. On the back of the product they speak of ideal conditions, warnings, comments, addresses and the size. This claim of healing was absent from this. I looked thoroughly on the Internet in hopes of a Windex Healing Power website, but found no luck. They are obviously hiding something. Test A- Inconclusive.

Test B: Personal Trial

For a few days I have had a red spot right below where my middle finger meets my hand - coming from running into something clumsily, most likely - and this has scabbed over many times. But I, as a notorious scab-picker, have not allowed it to heal. Perfect.

I decided to spray the Windex on the wound and see the effect. At first I felt a cold, fiery sensation around the open wound, and around where the blue liquid had met the skin. It was not an altogether unpleasant sensation but it did not give my cut a streak-free shine, as promised on the product. Quite the opposite - in fact, my hand was streaky and smelled of Sparkling Orange². My wound did not immediately change, save for a dull blue ring around where the red scab had been. However, after a few hours it seemed to crust over, and the red portion of the skin decreased. Chance? I think not! Test B- Pass.

Test C- Baldness

As promised in the film, Windex should be able to cure baldness. I am not however, bald and did not want to risk trying the product on places other than my head if it ended up working. However, it stands to reason that if I sprayed someone else's knuckles, hair would sprout up like spaghetti in Italy. As I have observed through my own hair growth, however, it is a slow process and frankly I'm just not patient enough to wait for hair to grow from someone's knuckles. Test C- Pending.

Test D- Pimples

As my body is perfect in every way except for that one scratch, I decided to ask another volunteer to help out with an experiment, and having just seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as I had, she willingly accepted³. There is no way of knowing whether the medicine her dermatologist perscribed did it or the Windex, but the next day, the former oily balls of skin were superseded by barely-visible bumps. Test D- Miracle, Pass

Test E- Warts

This test was a difficult feat to accomplish as I am currently wartless (you'll notice the theme here, that my body is perfect - and it is). I decided that in order to finish this project I would have to demonstrate total commitment and suck on my thumb all week to make a wart. After this was accomplished, I sprayed it with Windex and saw no difference, I dipped it in a small vat of Windex and saw no difference, and now I'm stuck with a wart. Test E- Fail.

Test F- Black Eyes

Black eyes are hard to come across as you only occasionally get hit, even less often in the eye. I, for one, am not strong enough to give myself a black eye. So one might wonder how I ended up with a large shiner. I had someone hit me (I bet you think I'm not being entirely truthful... well you're right). I sprayed the Windex on, and found it to have little result, except for a painful stinging in the already-damaged eye. Test F- Fail.

Tests G-O, Summary

• Test G - Poor Hearing with the desired result being better hearing - Fail

• Test H - Taste - Done by holding my tongue out for four minutes, without letting it touch my mouth. Without saliva a tongue can't taste, so after applying a very small amount of Windex to the tongue I hoped I could taste - Pass

• Test I - Poor Teeth with the objective of cleaner teeth - Fail

• Test J - Sticky Hair to unstick sticky hair - Pass

• Test K - Bruises to unbruise bruises - Inconclusive

• Test L - Bleeding in hopes of urging blood to clot quicker - Fail

• Test M - Breath in hopes of less offensive breath if applied near mouth - Pass

• Test N - Smelliness and the ability to mask offensive odours - Pass

• Test O - Nasal Congestion to unstop the nose's clogged passages - Fail

Conclusion

Windex is an altogether remarkable product with the ability to clean chrome, windows, mirrors, porcelain, cabinets, stainless steel or cabinets of any of the aforementioned types of material (except cabinets). But perhaps the best use of this fine product is the cleansing of a person's physical imperfections, be they rashes, pimples, cuts, bruises, baldness, stubbed toe or thirst⁴. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling very woozy and need to sleep for a few days.