h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Redfox appears with a splinching, sizzling *CRACK!*. Squirrels scamper away*

Where... ?

*the narrow room and rapidly passing, slightly blurred rolling green hills, along with the gloomy weather, seem to suggest a train moving through the countryside of a British Isle. Or New Zealand just pretending.*

Or better yet, when? When the hell am I?

*Redfox whips around at the sound of a coach door opening. A conductor steps in*

[Conductor] (in heavy Scottish brogue) Have you a ticket, lad?

[Redfox] What year is it?

[Conductor] (with a raised eyebrow) it be 1994, dontcha ken ennathing? And it dunna matter what year it is, ya still need ta pay. Five quid.

[Redfox] (brandishing a .50 cal S&W revolver produced from somewhere in his jacket) Fraid I'm all out. But giving a villain in distress wouldn't be much of a problem, now would it?

Aw, geez... "giving a villain in distress a berth"

[The man in the blue suit who was at the Black Mesa display walks by behind the conductor, apparently oblivious to the supervillainous presence, still carrying his suitcase.]

*Redfox notes the superfluous G-Man, but does nothing else. There are evils in this world not even a super villain will touch.*

[Conductor] (stammering) Ah... uh... dunna shoot me!

[Redfox] (still aiming at the conductor) I wasn't planning on it, unless I had to. Thank you.

*Redfox sprints toward the end of the train*

[Yar drops in. For those of you just tuning in, he's currently equipped with a katana, a Chefinator, and a portal gun. He's wearing his typical red jacket (open to reveal a black H2G2 T-shirt) and blue jeans. He takes in his surroundings in a split second.]

Which way did he go!? [beat] And, uh, what year is this and where are we?

*redfox, reaching the end of the train, throws open the door, to find the ground rushing along at 60 something, much too fast to get off. Redfox pauses, turns back into the car, and pulls the emergency brake hanging nearby. the train screeches to a halt. Once the train stops, Redfox casually tosses a lit stick of explosive into the car, and walks off into the rolling green countryside.*

Now, how do I get back to my when?

*Redfox sits down on a hillside, and pulls out "Applications of Higher Temporal Dynamics for Beings Embedded in Fewer than Seven Dimensions". He settles in and begins with chapter 1: "So you want go somewhen: what next?"*

*the fizzing stick turns out to be an F-Bomb, which will cause massive property destruction but very little injury, as it says on signs posted in redfoxe's lair, [Unsuitable/Broken URL removed by Moderator]. The fuse gets ever shorter*

[The G-Man is now outside the train, watching Red Fox from a distance, grinning with an expression of extreme helpfulness (although it's hard to tell from that far away).]

[Yar, sensing danger, uses his Slowdown power to (from his perspective) slow down time about four times, and he runs towards the bomb as fast as he can. He draws his katana, not slowing down as he passes the bomb, and swinging down at the fuse, cutting it off before it gets to the bomb. Immediately afterward, he wonders if the trail of Blade Essence (read: magical swordey-slicing-ness) is enough to set the bomb off, and jumps up with the intentions of diving out the window just in case.]


Over to you on whether "magical cut" works just as well as "lit fuse going down" ...

*The fuse falls cleanly away, with about an inch/7-10 seconds left. 7-10 seconds later, the electronic timer and blast cap the fuse was simply a visual aid for [I mean, really, a stick of dynamite in this day? What is this, Looney Tunes?] goes off. In an ever expanding wave of profanity, the windows, walls, floor, and most of the rear car in general explodes outward. Yar is blown away by the sheer force of the vulgarity, in what feels like a strong tropical breeze pushing outward*

*redfox Hears the explosive profanities, smirks to himself, and continues reading in an attempt to discern a way out of when.*

[Yar lands facefirst on the ground, pauses a moment, and then adds to the profanity.]

[Yar] ...

[He gets up, sheathing his sword, and approaches Red Dog, smirking.]

[Yar] Heh ... I see what you did there. Okay, you win that round. Uh ... okay, who IS that guy?

[The G-Man is now approaching them, suitcase in hand.]

*redfox looks up at Yar, closes the book, tucks it away, unfolds his legs, and lays back onto the hill, hands behind head*

A man with a definite evil aura about him. But in a distinctly mob-boss way. He's either got an offer we have no choice but to accept, or you're about to be out-numbered.

(closing his eyes) In any case, it's more your problem then mine. I do have the rather instructional books on time travel, you know.

[Yar] I think that, given non-associated villains' track records with trusting each other, he'd more both of our problems.

[G-Man] A ... problem, am ... I? [smirking] Cleverly done ... but you're not suppossssed to be here! As ... a matter of fact ...

[The scenery around them suddenly takes on a rather unreal situation, as if it was just an image being projected somewhere, or they're looking at it through a crystal ball or something.]

[G-Man] [vaguely threatening-sounding] ... you're not!

[The scenery fades away to blackness, replaced by what appears to be stars streaking by. Sort of. You've played Half-Life, haven't you, you know what I'm talking about, like that ending sequence on the tram, and ... Er, anyway!]

[G-Man] Get back where you belong, and forget about all thisss. Until ... we meet ... againnnnnnn.

[He fades away, Yar and Red Fox materializing around F8508410?thread=4800934 someplace.]