Mister President, Nebraska Is Missing! Episode 21
Created | Updated Jun 1, 2024
Mister President, Nebraska Is Missing!
Episode 21
The ambassador from Rethgromiston had dark, kinky hair, huge sweaty hands, and a speaking voice of unnaturally limited range. President Woodhed had never really enjoyed shaking his hand or listening to his speeches, but today Woodhed listened to him drone on and on about rutabaga trade quotas as if this was the most fascinating subject in the history of the world.
"I'm worried abut you," Wilhelmina whispered in her husband's ear as the speech reached its one-hour mark with no apparent end in sight. "You're listening to him because it beats thinking about getting Nebraska back. I get it, but the rest of us are screaming inside our heads, and you are the only one with the power to make him stop. For heaven's sake, let him sell as many rutabagas here as he wishes. Invite him to a state dinner where rutabagas will be in each of the seven courses that are served."
Woodhed smiled. Wilhelmina was devilishly amusing when she wanted to be, and this was a great comfort in this time of turmoil.
"You know, that's a really good point" he whispered in turn, taking her hand in his and squeezing it affectionately. "And, yes, I do wish I could get my mind off the Nebraska situation, but I'm more worried about not having heard from Sprilznick yet. Six o'clock is less than two hours away, and I still don't have a counterproposal to offer to those bleeping Indians."
Just then, to everyone's surprise, the ambassador announced that his speech was finished. Woodhed pumped the man's clammy hands with great enthusiasm, and walked to the podium for his own speech. Someone had apparently left a pot of petunias on a lower shelf of the podium. Woodhed didn't give them any heed at first, but five minutes into his speech he imagined that the pot had moved, and was now pressing against his lower abdomen. He put his hand down to push the pot away, and felt something being pressed between his fingers. It felt like a note. A note! Oh joy, oh, joy!
Woodhed gave a broad smile, which perplexed most of his audience, because at the moment he happened to be talking about toxic waste sites that needed capping. He noticed that some of the opposition leaders in Congress were shaking their heads, which could only mean that they would soon be going on social media to announce that he was losing it, and should withdraw his candidacy for reelection. If the note was as important as he expected, they would get blown away within the next twenty-four hours. He'd show them that he was not losing it! What had been planned as a thirty minute speech ended up being delivered in eighteen minutes. He made no gaffes and never once looked at the teleprompter. There was a stunned silence in the room as he finished. Suddenly the congresional leaders of his own part stood up and started clapping. Who knew that capping toxic waste sites enjoyed such broad bipartisan support? Soon everyone was standing and clapping. Maybe this would be remembered as the turning point in this crisis, and he would be celebrating with champagne and caviar on election night!
