Spot the Wonder Dog was giving a TED talk about reversing global warming when the call came. Ordinarily he would have asked the caller to call back later, but this was no ordinary caller. It was newly elected U.S. President Irving Sprilznick Jr., whose father had bequeathed Spot a very large fortune¹. Well, the TED talk was being taped in segments, so it could resume after Spot found out what Sprilznick wanted.

"Spot, I'm in a bind," Sprilznick said. "I can't get any of my picks for Secretary of Defense through the Senate. I want you to be my candidate for the job. The entire country adores you for your work in finding and restoring Nebraska when it vanished from the face of the Earth."

"Irv, I'm just a few weeks away from finding a way to reverse global waming," Spot protested. "My work with engineering the human genome to completely resist coronaviruses will pay off this year, and I think I know how to outsmart squirrels. And, for what it's worth, Nebraska was there all along; somebody just slapped an SEP field on it. "

"Ah, I love your jokes, Spot," Irving said with a chuckle. "Trouble is, war is coming."

"Is Putin behind it?"

"Is New York a big city? Is the Pope Catholic?"

"I asked my question first!" Spot snapped.

Geniuses are apt to be temperamental, Sprilznick mused. "Could you at least sign on as a consultant? The Ukrainean war effort is stalling because the Russians have organized a network of animal allies led by someone called Belka."

"Belka, as in squirrel?" Spot exclaimed. "The squirrels have always wanted to take over the world. If Belka succeeds, we're all doomed. I'll be there in 30 minutes."

"How can you get from New York to Washington so fast?" Sprilnick asked.

"I'm just across the Potomac," Spot explained. "Get out your binoculars. I'm waving to you.". It was 2:00 p.m.

At 2:20, Irving Sprilznick looked up from his computer and saw Spot sitting in front of him. "Don't mind me," Spot said, typing on his laptop as fast as his paws could move.

At 2:30, Sprilznick's phone rang. He could hear barking on the other end of the line. "I think it's for you," Sprilnick said, handing the receiver to Spot. Spot barked a few times, then put the call on speaker phone. "Sorry," said a voice. "I assumed that you understood dogspeak. I am Sobaka, head of the Russian Dog Insurgency. Spot has explained the situation. We're hacking our way into the Internut. . ."

"Internut?" said Sprilznick.

"The squirrel Internet. As usual, the Russians have lied to the squirrels as they lie to everyone else. 'If you squirrels don't help us, we will cut down all your trees,' they were told. I don't know why you're worried, Irv. How much harm can squirrels do to Ukraine or anybody else? Spot has some kind of phobia, that's all."

Spot grew very red in the face. Sobaka continued calmly: "Our negotiators are explaining things to Belka's minions as we speak. The Dog Insurgency will protect the squirrels from Russian attacks in return for a promise to not interfere in the war." He hung up.

"You are free to go, Spot," President Sprilznick said. "Go forth and save the world from climate armageddon. Engineer our immune systems to resist Covid in all its forms. The squirrel menace is under control."

Indeed, within a month Spot had developed fast-growing trees that could pull vast amounts of carbon out of the air. The seeds were planted widely that Fall across five continents. Within six months, he had developed a shot that could give permanent immunity to all forms of Covid. The next Spring, the trees were growing by leaps and bounds. By August, they were producing seeds. Then he noticed that squirrels were planting the seeds. They planted them in people's lawns, in farmers' fields, in cemeteries and swamps. In Russia, trees were growing in the middle of railroad lines, so tanks and soldiers could not be transported to the front lines. Russian citizens were heating their homes with wood, reducing demand for oil (another setback for the Russian economy). Europeans and Asians were following suit. Atmospheric carbon levels were falling.

Spot had a chance to take a much-needed vacation. A national park had been named for him in Nebraska, so he decided to visit it. It featured wetlands along the Platte River, but as he flew over it he saw way more green than he expected. The darned squirrels had turned it into a forest! When he landed, he was greeted by a delegation of grateful squirrels, who considered him a demi-god. There was also a delegation of angry dogs who accused him of betraying them in the war against squirrels. There were also angry farmers whose fields were turning into forests, angry oil executives whose companies were failing, and a group of conspiracy theorists angry at him for promoting vaccines. Be careful what you ask for, Spot. You may get it. . .

Paulh

09.10.23 Front Page

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