'Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the borogrove. I'm sorry Mr Dodgson but I can't see our readers making any more sense of this than I do. What for instance are slithy toves and why are they gyring and gimbling in the borogrove, wherever that is? I can't see them waiting with bated breath for the next instalment. Oh, it's just a poem, a follow up to your white rabbit falling down a rabbit hole, with a girl called Alice. I see. Yes I remember it. Not as confusing as this lot but bizarre enough I'll grant you.

Tell me, now I've got you on the telephone, do you have any mental health issues I should know about? Are you a serious drug user? No, you're an Oxford don with a reputation in mathematics. You do have a health issue though – migraines. It does cause visual disturbances you say, including making things seem microscopic and macroscopic. You've lost me. Oh, bigger or smaller than they are in real life, like in Gulliver's Travels – Liliputian or Brobdigian. No? Spell it for me. Brob-dig-nag-i-an. I get it now. This Jonathan Swift, a friend of yours? Oh, he's dead. Did he get migraines like you? You don't know. Sopunds like a rum coincidence if not.

So what else do you have in store for us? Another poem you say? Only this one is about a walrus and a carpenter, talking to oysters just before eating them, then wallowing in mock guilt. Sounds a jolly jape, unless you're an oyster. Are you sure you're not smoking wacky-baccy or taking something stronger? No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to impugn your reputation. Oh you weren't offended. That's good then.

By the way what is this Mock Turtle character? You do know that there is no such thing in real life? Artistic licence. I see. I suppose it was like that knight out to kill a mythical creature, you mentioned earlier. And what is this Hunting the Snark you intend writing as a follow up, when you finish the next Alice adventure? Down the rabbit hole and now through the mirror - chess pieces replaced by cards; running on the spot to stay in the same place. You intellectuals and your imagination! Are you sure you're not on drugs? Sorry, sorry I really didn't mean to up[set you but I am sure you can see my point of view. This is all so strange for a nuts and bolts publisher like me.

Anyway thanks for having this conversation with me. My secretary will be in touch with you, with regards to your new contract. Carry on the good work!'

He puts down the phone.

'What are people coming to nowadays?'

Paigetheoracle

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