Sleeping cats are pretty boring, all things considered.
Offensive tagline attached to a h2g2 Researcher who shall remain nameless.

Basil the cat lay sleeping peacefully on the big pillow with the wide stripes on Bob's bed.

'Lay' may not be exactly the right word. Basil was curled into a ball that was rounder than round. A globular, fluffy, black, furry ball of feline perfection. He liked his position. He purred happily.

Smokey kept him company for a while, but became distracted when his sharp ears detected the sound of Mrs Bob opening a tin of tuna on the other side of the house. Smokey took off, but Basil slept on. Basil was a very good sleeper.

Suddenly the window, which had been open a crack, opened a crack-and-a-half wider. The squeak of the sliding window caused Basil's left ear to twitch, but since the ear was folded into the cat ball that was Basil, you couldn't see it. Basil purred on, oblivious to the burglar, a contortionist named Jimmy.

Jimmy was on the lam from the Hampshire police. He was short of the readies, and needed some quick swag to flog. Wriggling his way into the room, he looked about for portable loot. On his way to the dresser, Jimmy trod on a loose floorboard, which gave a minute creak. Basil's right ear twitched at this, but since that ear was folded into the cat ball, too, Jimmy didn't notice. Just as you would not have noticed, because 'sleeping cats are boring'.

Jimmy needed to work fast, so he went for the obvious: cameras. He shoved a couple into his swag bag, plus a telephoto lens. The computer was too bulky to take – why do people still use desktops, he thought, it's so much easier to steal iPads – and he really wasn't interested in that book that said 'h2g2' on it. Pah. Not even any jewellery. I really need a few more quid….

Then Jimmy heard the purring. He studied the round fur ball.

'Must be one of them shiatsu massage pillows,' he thought. 'I seen 'em on the shoppin' channel.' Intending to plop the high-end consumer object into the bag atop the cameras, Jimmy put out his hand for the round black cushiony thing.

Jimmy's yell of pain reached the ears of Mrs Bob in the kitchen. It woke up Bob, who was dozing on the porch. It led to a quick 999 call and subsequent arrest. The cameras were saved, Jimmy went back to jail, and Basil got an extra sardine with his tiffin.

Then he went back to being a boring, sleeping cat.

Dmitri Gheorgheni

27.05.19 Front Page

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