h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I used to work in the mailroom of a large local authority. (As I still work for the authority in another capacity, it shall remain nameless). A work mate and myself created many games to pass the time, including Electric Pallet Truck Slalom Challenge, Beach Volley-Jiffy-Bag-Ball and Zero Balloonerance. But the most rewarding and spectacular of all the Mailroom Olympiad events was unquestionably Beverage Armageddon.

* Aim of the game

The basic aim is to get a table tennis ball into the opponent’s mug. Various points are awarded for direct hits, indirect hits, rim shots and so forth. The first player to reach twenty-one points (or twenty-one plus two points clear of the opponent) wins.

* Equipment

To play, you will need a waist high table about ten feet long, two mugs and a standard table tennis ball. The mugs can be any of design, but both players must use the same design and the diameter of the beverage containment area must not be less that the width of a standard table tennis ball plus one inch.

* Start of play

The two players take their places at opposite ends of the table, each placing their mugs near the edge of the table closest to them. The ball is then handed to the player who won the toss.

* Service

Serving players must ensure that the ball bounces once on their side of the table before entering the opponent’s side. Two attempts at serve are available, with two faulty serves in a row engendering a two-point penalty against the server. Service changes ends after five successful serves.

As there is no referee in Beverage Armageddon, the interpretation of what constitutes a faulty service is left to players’ discretion. Additionally, there are no restrictions regarding the style of service delivery, and work colleagues can award an extra point for exceptionally hilarious serves.

* Scoring

Points are awarded for successful interaction between a correctly served ball and an opponent’s mug. The scoring table is as follows:

0 = No contact whatsoever between mug and ball, even sub-atomically.

1 = Glancing contact with any part of the mug.

2 = Rim shot causing significant change of trajectory.

3 = Rim shot resulting in ball entering but not remaining inside the mug.

4 = Rim shot resulting in ball entering AND remaining inside the mug.

5 = Ball enters and remains inside the mug without touching the rim – aka 'the shot dreams are made of', 'the Jammy', 'the Terminator', etc.

Note: Where any rim shot causes the ball to shoot up into the air and hit the rim again on descent, an extra point is awarded for each successive contact with the rim.

* Playing Megaball!

At any point during the game, a player can choose to bring their Megaball into play. The Megaball can only be used once per game so should be used strategically (or when the loser is getting desperate).

A player wishing to take their Megaball must say ‘Playing Megaball!’ loudly in an amusing voice to all present. The player must also hold up a piece of cardboard with the same phrase written on it so that hearing impaired opponents are not left unawares of their impending defeat and/or humiliation.

To deliver a winning Megaball, a player must get the ball to stay in the opponent’s mug without it first touching the table or any other part of the mug apart from the bottom of the beverage containment area. (Service rules do not apply when playing a Megaball.)

A player delivering a successful Megaball shot instantly wins the game.

A player delivering an unsuccessful Megaball shot has two points removed from their score and are required to buy the other player confectionery of their choice.

* Queensbury Rules

Professional Beverage Armageddon players follow the Queensbury rules, the primary difference between the regular game being that both players’ mugs are filled with hot tea at the start of the game.

Scoring is as the regular game, but successful dunk shots (whereby the ball enters and remains in tea) require the player with the ball in their mug to swallow a standard mouthful before playing their shot.

Queensbury rules games are normally a lot messier than regular games, but also more exciting as Megaball shots can only be played when receiving mugs have been drained of all tea.

Mate, I am quite literally pissing myself at this. The most we've managed at work is elastic band sniper-shooting, rolling round door frames in a James Bond stylee and crawling along the floor when nobody's watching. I've been stung on the shins too many times, but it was worth it.

Can you explain the rules of Zero Balloonerance for me? Ta.

Jeffrey Makepiece

HAHAHAHA!!!
I am also with at this. People in my office must think I have lost the plot and am laughing at the spreadsheets....
Yeah, tell us the rules of more games!!
This is just , I am loving it!

Zero Balloonerance is simply table tennis played with a ballon and hands instead of a ball and bats. It is best to remove the net as service balloons rarely make it over.

Electric Pallet Truck Slalom Challenge should be fairly obvious (though having the course on a 1:5 cobbled street does nothing for your blood pressure), as should Beach Volley-Jiffy-Bag-Ball (stick a balloon inside a jiffy bag and use an open shelving unit as the net - top loading the shelves adds that extra element of danger).

Other Mailroom Olympiad events included:

* 28-O-Ram - Spin in a chair and try to get the elastic band onto the number 28 label hook.

* Blowj** Weight Press Challenge - Blowing on the loading tray of electronic weighing scales to reach a specified weight.

* Rubber Band Funny-Name-O-Thon - The old fire an elastic band at an unspecting colleague, but the band must have an amusing name written on it, such as 'The Destroyer of Worlds', 'The Redeemer', 'Latex Deceiver', and so on...

* Marathon Juggle-O-Rama - try to juggle any three objects as long as possible. Spectacular danger points awarded for continuing to juggle even when the departmental management team inspect the office.

* Innuendo-Thon - Make as many unbroken smutty remarks about visitors to the office as possible. Extra points for physical gags.

* One Gramme Sip Challenge - Place mug of tea on electric weighing scales and sip one gramme of tea to score a point. Much harder than it sounds.