Warning Labels
Created | Updated Aug 28, 2002
Recently there have been people who have sued companies or manufacturers of goods for failing to provide warning labels on their products. In an attempt to remedy this growing trend, the following warning labels have been gleaned from the internet and elsewhere,1 and for the first time ever are collected in one place. We urge all manufacturers to begin adding these labels to their products.
The Warnings
1. Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
As described in Einstein's General Theory of Relativity.
2. Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
As described by Newtonian Mechanics.
3. Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
As described in Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity - E=mc2
4. Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
As described by the Bohr model of the atom.
5. Warning: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
As described by the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
6. Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
As described by the Uncertainty Principle.
7. Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbour's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
As described in Schrodinger's Wave Mechanics and De Broglie's Theorem.
8. Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. No Guarantee can be Made Regarding the Performance of this Product After This Date.
As described by certain Unified Theories.
9. DANGER: This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
As theorised by Dirac and subsequently observed by Anderson.
10. Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
As described by Particle Physics
11. Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
As described by the Bohr Model.
12. Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
As described by the Schrodinger Cat gedanken experiment.
13. Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
As described by the theory of indistinguishable particles in quantum mechanics and quantum statistical mechanics.
14. Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
As described by Einstein's Special and General Theories of Relativity.
15. Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed, and Nor Can Its Performance.
As described by Einstein's General Theory of Relativity and various cosmological models.
16. Further to Section 14, This Product's Length is also Dependent on its Velocity Relative to the User. Its Performance May Therefore Vary.
As described by Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity.
17. Warning - The Foodstuffs Contained Herein have a Genetic Origin in Other Organisms which may be Toxic or Otherwise Injurious to the Consumer. In Extreme Cases, Species Related to this Product may Attempt to Occupy the Consumer's Position in the Food-chain.
18. Caution : This Product is Almost Certainly Contaminated with Toxins, including Radioactive Material and other Poisonous Metallic Elements which may Accumulate Within the Human Body. When Exposed to the Air, Dangerous Bacteria are Likely to Proliferate on its Surfaces.
19. Health Warning : If You Consume an Excess of this Product it Will Kill You. It is Highly Probable that a Number of Past Consumers of this Product are Dead Already. Given Time, All Consumers of this Product are Certain to Die. This Product Almost Certainly Possesses other Lethal Effects which may Potentially Arise from a Very Large Number of Different Misuses.
20. According to Certain Theories, the Constituent Particles of this Product May at Any Time Change Places. However, Since These Constituents are Indistnguishable, There Should Be No Cause for Alarm.
21. WARNING: The Intended Uses and/or Effects of This Product are Entirely Dependent on Subjective Interpretation on the Part of the End User, thus Rendering Any Concept of Authorial Intent a Fallacy.
As outlined in post-structuralist literary theory.
22. WARNING: This product contains a self-referential warning label.
23. WARNING: any action performed upon this object will elicit a reaction which is both equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.
As described by Newton's Third Law of Motion.The Contributers
1. Euan
2. Pinniped
3. Joel
4. Your name might go here, if you can contribute your own warnings.
To contribute...
Please drop a note in the discussions at the bottom here.
