A Conversation for Fables in 200 Words or Less

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Post 1

Wand'rin star

1)"dish serves in a long-necked jar" should be 'best served'
2)"As Tortoise couldn't climb trees, so Baboon ate both lunches." You don't need both conjunctions - either 'as' or 'so' - not both.
3)" feet so he never got to eat his lunch, so Tortoise ate both lunches" needs some punctuation. Try ' feet. So he never got to eat his lunch. So Tortoise ate both lunches'
4)"Eventually, the hare collapsed, exhausted and way short of the finish line and is forced to watch in horror as the slow, constant plodding of the tortoise sees him across the finish line first." Why the change of tense in the middle? Either the whole thing should be in the present or it should all be in the past. Change to (eg)'was forced to watch in horror as.....saw him across the finish line first
6)The inevitable morals of the story is either do not underestimate your rivals and do not overestimate your own abilities. Or possibly 'when racing against an apparent loser, don't tell all your friends to wait at the finish line, just in case you don't win...'
Change to: The inevitable moral of the story is either,'do not underestimate your rivals and do not overestimate your own abilities' or 'when racing against an apparent loser, don't tell all your friends to wait at the finish line, just in case you don't win...'
7)reeds need to be plural throughout. Put an 's' on the end (five times)
That's all folks! smiley - star

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Post 2

Smij - Formerly Jimster

As the Fonz would say, 'Fixed-amundo!'


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Post 3


this entry is given as a link in a current entry in PR (NY Zoo Scare)

Since the link is specific to one particular fable I wanted to suggest that that one was slightly rephrased. In addition one needs its title put in a subheading: The Chicken and the Pig
(it comes after The Lion and the Mouse)

Anyway the fable about The Tiger and the Donkey, I would like to suggest replacing the current text with this slightly amended version:

Once there were no donkeys in a village, until one person decided to bring one back from the city. Finding no use for it, the villagers set it loose in the mountains. Then one day, a tiger happened upon the donkey grazing. Having never seen such a beast before, the tiger ran away in fright. But the tiger was curious, and decided to take a closer, if not less cautious, look at this strange creature. On getting closer to the donkey, he was impressed by its size and shape - the donkey, upon seeing the tiger, let forth a huge bray. The tiger, frightened by the hideous noise, disappeared into the bushes. After a few more days, the tiger grew accustomed to this strange beast, and decided to approach even closer. Plucking up his courage, he walked up to the donkey, sniffed it a bit, and on turning, knocked it slightly. The donkey, enraged, reacted the only way it could - by kicking out with its hind legs. The tiger, unharmed by this display, turned back, realising at last the donkey's impotence. 'Is that all you can do?' mocked the tiger, and ripped open the donkey's neck.

Do you concur that this phrasing might be a slight improvement? smiley - erm

Pimmsaloonie smiley - winkeye

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Post 4

Smij - Formerly Jimster

Er, not really. It's just rewording what's already there, isn't it?

Am I missing a typo or something? If so, you'll have to spell it out for me - long day smiley - smiley

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Post 5


smiley - sorry Jimster

It *is* just re-wording what is there (apart from the Chicken and Pig HEADING omission) rather than the concrete typos I usually proffer. I offered the whole paragraph with its GML hoping it would be simpler to cut and paste in, as I found the existing phrasing limped in several places. It could just be me. Ignore it unless someone else agrees.

Pimms smiley - ok

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