h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here are a nice couple of put-downs... I may think of some later

"I'm not arrogant. I'm just better than everybody else."

"We all have something to bring to this debate. The only thing you should bring is silence."

...and guess who was on the receiving end of the first one...

Surely the one about arrogance is a reflexive put-UP?

Calvin and Hobbes:

HOBBES
Stop repeating everything I say!

CALVIN
Stop repeating everything I say!

HOBBES
Quit it!

CALVIN
Quit it!

HOBBES
I'm an ugly, smelly maggot with lumpy gravy for brains!

CALVIN
At least you have the courage to admit it.

(sooner or later everyone falls for that)

Kind of a meta-putdown.

Slightly unrelated, but: Calvin and Hobbes rule !
The quote above is slightly unusual in the sense that Calvin gets one over on Hobbes.
I'm sure there is loads of good put-downs from Calvins parents - but I don't have a book handy !

DAD
Calvin The Bold!

CALVIN
Yes?

DAD
Kneel!

By the finite patience vested in me, I hereby dub thee "mud". You may rise.

CALVIN
My name is MUD!?

Mr Subtlety drives home another point.

Or:

CAVIN
Cigars are all the rage, dad! You should smoke cigars.

MOM
Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.

Or even:

CALVIN
Why do you always read my story?

DAD
Because reading stories is the Dad's job.

MOM (out of frame)
And it appears to be the only "Dad's Job" around here!

CALVIN
Left the dishes for Mom again, huh?

DAD (yelled to out of frame)
Tonight's story is called, "Why Prince Charming Stayed Single"!

MOM (out of frame)
Prince WHAT!?

Yeah, yeah ... my encyclopaedic knowledge is pathetically sad ....

Oooo, oooh - another one before I forget....

A friend and I were sitting in the outpatients clinic with our consultant, (before I forget to mention this, it was the 'Firm of Death'...) who was berating us for our lack of knowledge.

So the first patient comes in, and my friend is asked to examine him, and when he's done, present him to the consultant.

The patient has a lump, to which my friend makes the mistake of saying 'it is approximately 5cm in....'

He wasn't allowed to finish the description - the consultant, at the sound of the word 'approximate' then rockets up from his desk (he's really quite tall), and launches into another tirade along the lines of...

'We need an *accurate* measurement of the dimensions of the lump! You should know that!'

my friend: ' but I don't see a ruler...'

Consultant: 'That's no excuse! (holds up his index finger) I know for a fact that this is exactly 9 cm long - how on earth will you be able to accurately measure the size of a lump in the rectum, boy?!? You should all already know the length of your fingers before you came onto this firm! (dissmissive hand gesture)'

my friend: (sigh) 'Well, *I'm* not obsessed with the size of parts of my body...'

Cue much stifled from myself and the patient, who had been quietly lying on the couch during this banter... and after that little interchange, the critisisms from our Consultant were far less, well, spiky...

Calvin and Hobbes has some of the best put-downs.

Susie:
Calvin, are we near a slaughterhouse or did you forget your deoderant?

Calvin:
Drop dead! I hear your mother puts a bag on your head before she kisses you goodnight!

another good one:
Moe:
Gimme a quarter [or something like that]

Calvin:
Your simian countenence suggests a heritage unusually rich in species divirsity. [translation: You're so ugly, your parents must be monkeys.]

Moe:
What?!

Calvin:
Here you go.

That was worth 25 cents.

There's another one where Calvin is talking to Hobbes about evolution and asks if he really thinks humans are descending from apes, and Hobbes says "I don't really think there's a difference."
And another one, where Hobbes and Calvin fight after Hobbes sends a valentine and pretends it's from Susie, at the end Hobbes says: "Wheee! Love makes the world go round." Calvin says "You're gonna see stars go round, I promise!"

Your father was a hamster and your mother smells of elderberries!!

"You fight like a dairy farmer!"
"How appropriate, you fight like a cow!"

In an argument with someone who shall remain nameless (okay, I forget their name, but hey! ), I referred to them as a half-wit. The argument continued as follows:

Other: "I have a wit, stupid"

Myself: "I didn't say you had _no_ wit, I said you had _half_ a wit. Though now I see that to be a gross act of overestimation"

Family favorite: The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead...

Wits:

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with someone who is so clearly unarmed."

H.

Rermarkably, sourced from Friends:

You have to stop the Q-tip when you feel RESISTANCE!

Some others (mostly garnered from a lifetime of banter with my brother):

Are you on that new medication now?

Do they know you've escaped yet?

ooh ... someone slipped another entry in while I was typing something else.

Perhaps I'd better wander off and compile a list in a dark, cool place full of cartons of breakfast cereal and mushroom remnants.