Corner of Chaos
Created | Updated Dec 8, 2005
Christmas Number One
And so it is that once again the yule log is pulled out, a tree is erected in the living room and a fat red man with a bad case of asthma is going to break into your house — what better way to celebrate the birth of the Christian Messiah in a small inn somewhere in the vicinity of Bethlehem. Of course, Christmas is far removed from the mass of Christ these days, but it still means to most a time of giving, love and spending time as a family — which is, for the most part, Jesus' message anyway. For some, however, it is a time to manipulate the giving theme of the season by trying to make more money than they would for the rest of the year. The custom of spending so much money at Christmas has invariably led to many artists wanting to achieve the now-sacred title of 'Christmas Number One', as it is a great money
earner as well as a nice thing to put to your name.
The contenders this year will mostly be releasing their records on
Monday, 19 December, in order for them to achieve the title on the
subsequent Sunday, which this year falls on Christmas itself — the first
time since 1994, the year of East 17's 'Stay Another Day'. The first
contender, however, while being very likely to achieve the position, is not releasing their record on that Monday. This is because it may very well be being recorded then. That contender is yet to be announced, but will be the winner of this year's series of X Factor, to be discovered on the previous Saturday, making way for a highly rushed record released on the Wednesday. The song itself is yet to be confirmed. William Hill offer odds of 7/1. As if this bout of reality TV is not enough, ex-popstars, The Rivals winners Girls Aloud, are attempting to regain the spot they won following their TV fame. Their song, though is released on the 12th and thus is not a serious ontender. Still, their ballad 'See The Day' is rather charming to the ears — nothing too daring or notable, but nothing I'd turn off or want to avoid. A very good example of how to use swelling music at the climax of the song to emphasise the emotion behind it. William Hill give them odds of 10/1.
And just in case you haven't had enough of reality TV popstars, last year's X Factor runners up are also vying for the topspot. The operatic quartet G4, who have covered just about every type of song you'd think of, have done a rather pleasing version of 'When A Child Is Born'. Without even hearing it you can imagine the sound: long, drawn-out notes in deep tenor voices. But unlike their dubious covers of 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and 'Creep', the festive atmosphere perfectly suits this song. Although it may not quite score the top spot, it will do well. To double their chances, they've gained the help of Robin Gibb on the reverse A-side 'First of May', which I haven't heard but seems to be of less focus than the first. William Hill odds are at 5/1.
Four men in suits singing slowly? Oh we couldn't have just one group could we? No, no. Westlife still haven't realised that their career is dead just yet and have attempted, with the help of veteran singer (hmmm, this really is a G4 copy isn't it?) Diana Ross, to win their way back into the hearts and minds of Britain with this prestigious slot. However, their platitiduous song 'When You Tell Me That You Love Me' gives me more reason to hate them, and while it is okay to listen to, it's hardly overwhelming. Furthermore, watching Westlife sing a love song in the direction of very badly aged (read Skeletor look-a-like) Diana Ross is only equated by siblings Donny & Marie singing 'Puppy Love' to each other - nice teeth, though. William Hill seem to disagree with me by offering 9/4 odds.
At the other end of the odds spectrum are, surprsingly, Coldplay. The band that seems to be constantly crowned the best British thing at the moment have been given staggering odds of 33/1 with their new single 'Talk'. Now, while I often grit my teeth when people lather on the superlatives when talking about this band, I do like them and recognise their talent. Logically, though, the fact that their album has been selling so well and for so many months means that this track is probably owned by most people already and is unlikely to be bought. Another titan of the music world, to whom I show no respect or liking, is, sadly, Mariah Carey and her non-album track 'Don't You Forget About Us'. Frankly, the fact that during her performance at Live 8, raising awareness for the starving, poverty-stricken, droughted Africans, she had a minion bring on five different types of bottled water proves to me how cocooned his woman is. The track itself is nothing more than average and contains several examples of that annoying thing called riffing that soul singers are so keen on (fluctuating the tone of a note while holding it...for no apparant reason) and that's enough proof for me that it should be burnt at the stake, along with her. Thankfully William Hill see her as barely even an outside chance — more like no chance, with 40/1.
Other people that I cannot comment on because I haven't heard them — though surely this would indicate a lack of advertisement hindering their chances — are The Choirboys with their cover of Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven'. This is my favourite Clapton song and I cannot wait to hear a choral version of it as the gentle, reflective mood of the song seems as if it would suit the trio of 10-, 11- and 12-year-old boys who have been dubbed the mini Three Tenors. Their odds are hopeful, but not too much, with 12/1. A song I'm not to keen on here is Tony Christie's cover of the Slade hit 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. Oddly, he gets 8-1 odds, so perhaps it's not as awful as it sounds, but the fact that his Amarillo song is featured as a B-side seems like a desperate plight to get some attention. At 7/2 with an odd mix of 'Jingle Bells' and 'U Can't Touch This' is that annoying animal the Crazy Frog. I haven't heard it, don't want to hear it and feel that if I did hear it I would have a more pleasant time scraping my ear with a cheese grater — the high odds are depressing, however.
Finally though, and while I write this I just happen to be listening to this song as it is my all-time favourite, there must be attention paid to the drunken Irish Christmas song of hope, love, loss and abuse. Yes, that's right, the brilliance of 'Fairytale of New York' by The Pogues F/Kirsty MacColl is being re-released, for no apparent reason — not that I'm complaining, after Pet Shop Boys stole the top spot so many years ago. Let's face it, Christmas for some isn't happy, for others it is, so let's all get together and compromise with this song that starts out in drunken desperation (just so you know, I'm listening to it again, as it just finished) moves onto happy nostalgia over a relationship, skates over a bitter argument and finishes on a happy, but lonely, feel of the couple split up but still in love with each other. So to all of you: I implore you, on the week beginning the 19th, to go out in your hitchhiking masses and amend the travesty that makes this glorious song, the best modern Christmas song, number two instead of its rightful place at number one. Odds are at 10/1, and frankly that's just not good enough for my liking. Let's make it a dead cert and stop X Factor from stealing the top spot.
