Smudger Snippets
Created | Updated Dec 8, 2005
Thinking
You know that horrible feeling you get when you suddenly realise that you had to do something, but can't remember what it was? Or you're really busy doing something and suddenly a memory comes shooting into your brain for no apparent reason? Then, that feeling you get when you get up, go to a particular room and then forget why you wanted to go there in the first place. Any of these events can shock your system and leave you feeling rather stupid, or even make you burst out in laughter for no reason. They can have such an effect on you that your mood can change for the rest of that day. Suddenly, things that you thought were terribly important at the time can change into insignificant little matters, as that memory that flashed into your mind for no reason has put your priorities into order.
I sometimes wonder if these events are triggered by us, or if it's people that we have known in the past trying to speak to us. Maybe it is their way of contacting us, trying to warn us or just wanting to keep in touch. It does seem weird at times that a memory of someone you had almost forgotten about can bring a thought straight into your mind and you have total recall of every little detail of that memory — yet at the same time you can't remember where you left your glasses just two minutes ago. Something that they said or did can bring a smile to your face, even if you are not in the mood for humour.
Have you ever noticed that this type of thing happens when we are vulnerable? I mean, it could be a quiet moment you snatched from an otherwise really busy schedule, or it could be at the most inappropriate moment possible. Sometimes it happens in the middle of the night; in fact, it can wake you from a deep sleep and at times can even scare you. If a person suddenly comes into your mind, I don't suppose they mean to frighten you. Maybe they are in a different time scale than us living people. Yet I still ask questions of a person who is no longer alive and even ask their advice on any problem I may have at that time. I remember once when I was at a funeral. A funny event that had happened when the person we were burying was alive came straight into my thoughts, and I found myself chuckling! Of course, I was embarrassed. I hid my smile behind my hand and desperately tried to think of something else, but it was no use. This event, along with other humorous ones, would simply not leave my brain.
Another time when thoughts like this enter my head is when I am alone. It could be when I am out in the garden or just sitting quietly in the sun. I find myself actually talking to the person in my thoughts or going over conversations from when they were alive. I suppose it's just because I have too much time on my hands these days. Ever since I finished working on medical grounds, I find I have a lot of time to sit and think. I once said to someone I used to work with that I was glad that I crammed so much of living into the first 45 years of my life, as the second 45 are positively boring. Well, they were at the time and now even more so, since I have been at home all day, every day.
I sometimes wonder what my father would think if he saw some of these modern motor cars with their new styles and shapes, or what my old friend would think if he saw computers, as he was always going on about technology when he was alive.
I do not know if my thoughts on these matters are normal, yet when I have dared to ask other folk who are close to me if they have similar thoughts and feelings, they have agreed, but with reservations, so I do not make it a habit of asking too many folk. Yet despite all that, I find that talking to the departed people of my life brings me some kind of inner peace. And besides, it keeps their memory alive with me and that's what I tell folk when they ask. That seems to be a better answer than admitting that I talk to them. Maybe it is just because I think too much. Either way, I will carry on doing it — thinking, that is.
