A name joke is a form of that particular brand of humour so bad that one cannot help rolling hysterically on the floor laughing, wetting one's trousers and getting one's head stuck in the coal scuttle. Yes, punning. To create a name joke, think of a common name - if you're out to offend (which you shouldn't be; see 'The Dangers of Misplaced Joking', below), the name of someone you dislike intensely. Say, Cliff. Now, try to create a pun based on this name... well, Cliff is also the word for a type of coastline, so:

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

You're probably struggling with the coal scuttle already...

The aim of this entry is to compile as complete a list of these works of art as is humanly possible. Heartfelt apologies go out to those with any of the following names.

The List

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug! (Dug)

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas! (Dug-less)

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack!

What do you call a man in a bush?
Russell! (Rustle)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
Bob!

What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground?
Pete! (Peat)

What do you call a man who comes through your letterbox?
Bill!

What do you call a man who comes through a student letterbox?
Grant!

What do you call a man pouring water into a jug?
Phil! (Fill)

What do you call a man with a raincoat?
Mac!

What do you call a man with a large raincoat?
Big Mac!

What do you call a man with two raincoats?
Max! (Macs)

What do you call a man with two raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves! (Macs by graves)

What do you call a man with a ham sandwich?
Ahmed! (Ham-ed)

What do you call a man with three ham sandwiches?
Mohammed! (More ham-ed)

What do you call a man doing exercise?
Jim! (Gym)

What do you call a man correcting schoolwork?
Mark!

What do you call a man made out of rubber?
Johnny!

What do you call someone drilling holes in a piece of wood?
Boring!

What do you call a woman setting fire to bills?
Bernadette! (Burn a debt)

What do you call a woman wearing denim?
Jean!

What do you call a flying woman?
Rose!

What do you call a woman who comes in a bottle?
Cheri! (Sherry)

What do you call a woman juggling bottles of lager?
Beatrix! (Beer tricks)

What do you call a woman juggling bottles of lager and making something from clay?
Beatrix Potter!

What do you call a really small woman?
Dot!

What do you call a really happy woman?
Mary! (Merry)

What do you call a singing woman?
Carol!

What do you call a man at the side of a house?
Ali! (Alley)

Please feel free to add to this modest collection by posting to the conversation below.

The Dangers of Misplaced Joking

While it is certain that these pieces of humour are side-splittingly hilarious (or not, if one possesses a better sense of humour than the Researcher of this entry) it should be noted that repetition of them to an unwary public is unadvisable. Words cannot encapsulate the intense irritation one must feel having heard one's name slandered in this way 50 or so times a day, nor the irresistible urge to turn round and thump the perpetrator.

You have been warned...