h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Gas (especially farts) seems to be provide an endless humour - public and private. Richard sometimes farts when he wakes up. I assume he's awake at the time - I've never heard of anybody farting in their sleep. He doesn't do 'Duch ovens', but he does flap the bed clothes so that we both share any aromas. He also has the ability to belch on demand. Because of this I have a little dragon holding a brass wind instrument - it makes me think of Richard.

Richard once gave me a Christmas card where the picture on the front was a Victorian lady with a handkerchief over her face, while her husband sat in the background looking smug. The caption is 'Sorry, dear. It must have been the sprouts.' Another favourite card is a picture of the Mona Lisa, with the caption 'Lisa smiled as her silent fart reached Leonardo'.

Apropos what to do if you belch in public. If I belch after a meal, I often say 'Arabic compliments to the chef'. In Arabia, belching after a meal was (and may still be) a compliment to your host as it showed that you had enjoyed your meal. There is actually reference to this in the film 'Ben Hur'.

Finally, a joke. Two African men were standing outside a maternity ward, arguing. One said, 'It is wom, and you spell it W-O-M.' The other replied, 'No, no! It is woom, and you spell it W-O-O-M.' A nurse overheard them and said, 'The word you are looking for is womb, and it is spelt W-O-M-B.' As she walked away, the men looked at each other and one said, 'I bet she's never even seen a hippoptamus, never mind heard it fart underwater.'

i love the joke!

that was great, i'll try and remember it. thanks for errrrrr sharing

FABT

From the days when we literally had to "spend a penny" to get into a public loo:
Here I sit, broken hearted.
Paid my penny,
Then only farted!

Actually one can fart in their sleep. My boyfriend does it quite often. His body will tense up and he'll fart.....and then he'll even say 'Excuse Me!' in his sleep. Of course he has no clue that this is going on, so I make a point to tell him first thing in the morning!

So I gather he's a well educated guy

Paddy made his first visit to a "lady of the night."

"What can I do for you Paddy," she said.
"Well oid loik to try that there swussont nooff ting," he replied. "Oive never done it, so you'll have to show me what to do."
The lady positions Paddy but shortly lets one loose - ffrrrppp!
"Boi God," says Paddy, "Oim off, I couldn't stand another 68 of dose!"