h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

... in case someone has already addressed the important issue I am about raise, I apologize for not having yet read all the messages already posted on this fascinating subject (I will, I will!) But here's my question: when a person has made an audible contribution, and assuming it wasn't intentional, is it correct to say "Excuse me!"? That is: when the event is inadvertent, but has certainly been audible, is it best to acknowledge it by behaving as if it had been a sneeze or a belch? Or to just feign deafness?

Depending on your company, you could blame it on some creaky plank or just yell 'oooh! Barking spiders!'

-- has anyone worked out what celebrities and heads of state do? Is there a protocol which directs aides and subordinates to turn a deaf ear (and anosmic nose) to noxious sounds/smells emanating from A Great Leader?

*wadding my ermine robe strategically under my bum as I anxiously awaiting a reply*

I'd guess that somewhere in the smallprint of the protocol it says that the bodyguards are instructed to blush and plead guilty in such a case.

Or perhaps some Secretary of State pulls out a tape recorder and announces that he inadvertently played back a life recording of the maiden flight of the all new and shiny ThunderJet interceptor.

Well, I'm glad I am neither a head of state nor one of their keepers!

nor a priest who is standing quite alone during performance, no bodyguards and secretaries around...

yow! -- d'you s'pose he could blame it on the Dark One??!!

the only things I could think of are creaky planks and perhaps, barking spiders. Er,.. what's 'the Dark One' ?

A priest, I thought, might be a little more likely than most folks to believe in the Devil -- and may be inclined to blame him for any noxious emissions that happened to occur in mid-sermon.

Oh, wouldn't this be a suggestion to make a *real* multi-media show instead of a voice-only sermon?


'Hell is a dark place where souls are boiled and sinners rot'

... that reminds me of a moment last year! I and two friends had gone to a choir recital at a local chapel just outside London. During the performance, in the sudden silence between two passages, one of my friends let off an ill-timed BOOM!! It was forceful enough that there was a slight thump on the wooden seat ... But (you'll be happy to hear) everyone was SO well-behaved that no-one so much as turned around to look at him, not even me. He didn't show any reaction and we didn't mention it any time later. So you're the first person with whom I've shared information about this fascinating event ...

Er... could it be that you experienced a very slight earthquake? Have you collected olfactory proof on your assumption? I mean, this could have been a misconception of sorts!

This is a subject about which I have heard many opposing opinions. After an unintentional audible "wind", most folks I have conversed with feel that it is polite to merely ignore it (pretend it did not occur). However others believe politeness requires an immediate apology (regardless of if it was intentional or not). Oddly enough, Amy Vanderbilt and all other books on etiquette I have consulted are mute on this issue. I would be very interested and greatly appreciate hearing the opionions of all others who wish to add their thoughts and reasons.

Many thanks, whsthree

Do you realise that if you had one of those flatulence cushions by developed by those clever people at GasBGon, most of these etiquette discussions would be a thing of the past. If you aren't sure what I am talking about take a look at www.GasBGon.co.uk