h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Being in journalism and having the name Maggy Whitehouse meant that I had a particular link to Mary Whitehouse - mainly because every day of my life, some smartarse on the planet would quip 'Any relation to Mary?' and think they were being both original and funny.

When you're on early shift and the first time you get such a stunningly inventive quip is 5am on a Monday morning...it's a bit of a challenge being relaxed about it.

When I became a DJ with an interview show, I invited Mary Whitehouse to come on the first programme because one of the things I wanted her to do was say publically that there was no link between us. She agreed to do so very happily but on the day itself when I asked her to lay the rumour to rest and confirm that we weren't related, she gave me a thoroughly wicked grin and said 'Well, you know dear, I've been thinking about it and, you know, I think we must be related in some way.'

I could have crowned her - but she burst into such peals of laughter that I had to join in.

From then on, we were firm friends and, although I didn't necessarily support her, she became a very reliable contact if I needed anyone for a radio or TV show.

Once, when I was producing a dire BBC2 daytime chat show, we lost our star guest at the last minute - and I phoned Mary to ask if she would come up to Birmingham and appear, if we sent her a fast car.

Being an ace trooper, she said 'yes.' She arrived just in time and went on air but afterwards she told me that I owed her some good quality fish and chips. I agreed but was slightly perplexed until we were having fish and chips together and she told me the following:

There were roadworks on the M1 and the car bringing her was seriously delayed. Once the blockage was past, the driver accelerated to 140 mph.

'I leant forward and tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he would slow down because he was scaring me,' she said. 'And he said to me: "Lady, I've got a contract to get you to the studio on time and I'm going to do it even if I have to buy you a new pair of knickers!"' Then she giggled and put more ketchup on her chips.

I liked her. She was fun. She had a mission but behind that she was great company and had an outrageous sense of humour.

A delightful anecdote. Having the name Guy I am familiar with hugely inventive name jokes.....

Hya Guy,

I've got a friend who's surname is Holdom. I had quite a problem dissuading him from calling his son Lyle. 'Lyle Holdom'...what kind of a life would that kid have at school once they knew about the facts of life?

Mind you, I guess that's a bit too subtle for most people. I used to have a pair of beige jeans and brown boots with fake spurs and people would yell 'where's your horse?'. I'd reply 'same place as your originality' but they didn't seem to find that wildly witty either...

I think we need a national society for the promotion of sensible names for children. Perhaps they could have an exotic name lodged with the Registrars which they may adopt when they achieve majority?

I always found it amusing that Whitehouse rhymes with s***ehouse.

And my initials a PMS, so don't think about argueing.

I refer you back to my original comments re. originality and wit m'Lud!

Guilty as charged, I would say.

Viz comic beat you to it on this one - sometime about 1987? MW was featured as "Mary S****House" - 'look at this guttering! it's c**p!!!'

And although MW was mostly known for TV, IMHO there should be a reference somewhere in there to the famous Gay News blasphemy trial of 1977.

Hey you Whitehouse
Ha-ha, charade you are!
You f***ed up town mouse
Ha-ha, charade you are!

You're trying to keep our feelings off the street
You're nearly a real treat
All tight lips and cold feet
And do you feel abused?

You've got to stem the evil tide
And keep it all on the inside
Mary you're nearly a treat
Mary you're nearly a treat
But you're really a cry

(extra points for the break to falsetto on "cry")

Oops - "house proud town mouse" - it was of course the bus-stop ratbag who was f****d up. Ho, hum. Loud music ruins the memory and rots the brain or so I'm told. And it ruins the memory.

To say "the middle-class view of public morals always has been at odds with reality" is not to say very much.

Morals are necessarily at odds with reality. Otherwise, no need for 'em. ("Why can't you fall downwards, like everyone else? Flying off like that. . .")

Like your articles about Conspiracy theories and Hoffnung too, Guy. Permission to name you "friend"?

~Recumbentman (made front page yesterday)

Please feel free to name me friend, friend